Survival of the Cutest: Cuffing Season

Gird your loins. Cuffing Season is upon us. I hope you’ve done your stretches, paid your tithes, and updated your contact information with Jesus, because the season is in full swing.

What is cuffing season? Glad you asked. If you didn’t, settle in, because I’m telling you regardless. Cuffing Season is that time period between the fall and winter months were those Netflix & chill moments turn into possible long lasting relationships. The promiscuity of the summer fades and the desire to be “chose” takes shape.

As soon as October hits and temperatures have started to decline, draft season commences. During these preliminary periods, we find ourselves venturing to the nearest mountain top, making swipe left & right sacrifices in hopes of finding the perfect match. If you’re like me, and most of you are, you’ve texted Jesus in hopes of receiving the blessing of a new boo, but instead receive a “new phone, who’s this?” response.

A strategic plan is imperative to succeed at Cuffing Season. Again, if you’re like me, this plan usually involves the creation of an online dating profile. I’ve recently created a ChristianMingle page in hopes of finding God’s match for me.

The ultimate goal is to partner up for the winter months. As effective as your electric blanket is — let’s be real — there’s only but so much it can do for you. Pre-season has commenced and by this time, a roster with viable options should have been established If it has not, you’re behind, but I’m here to get you up to speed. Come the end of October, a tribunal needs to be orchestrated and the process of extinguishing flames of hope need to ensue. They are the weakest links, goodbye. This process needs to be completed by December 1st.

If you find yourself un-cuffed by then, I suggest forming a healthy relationship with your delivery person. Because if you can’t find happiness with a new relationship, extra packets of condiments are the next best thing…

Good luck and God speed.