Surviving a Long Distance Relationship
And making it less painful
First off, I want to say that if you are meant to be with someone, you will survive long distance anyways. If you are not, at least you know what the relationship is made of earlier rather than later.
That being said, there are some things that can help, or at least they did in my case, to help make a long distance relationship “easier”, or less painful. It’s an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection.
Let yourself feel everything. It’s ok to have doubts sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to be in the relationship. It simply means you’re human, you’re going through an emotionally testing time, and you’re allowed to feel every emotion. The important thing is what you do with those emotions. Do they come and go like clouds, not necessarily meaning anything, or are they a deep feeling inside of you that you don’t want to accept? If the latter is true, you might want to be honest with yourself about what is bringing up that emotion, and deal with it. If they come and go, let them go. Do not hold onto them. Do not feed something negative.
Keep yourself busy (have your own life). This is crucial, especially in a long distance relationship, for so many reasons. You want to be able to enjoy your life even though your partner isn’t there. Go out with friends, work on your personal projects, travel, work out, cook, meditate…whatever makes you happy and puts you in good place, so that at the end of the day you can talk to your partner without feeling inferior, depressed, or any other emotion that comes with living through your partner. And so then you can share the good moments with them and discuss your days instead of focusing on missing them and the lack of their presence.
There were days when I had nothing to do, and my partner was super busy on the other side of the world. I had to learn to give him space to live his life, and focus on myself. By doing that, I didn’t text him all the time, I wasn’t always thinking about what he was doing, I didn’t go into panic mode, or become even more sad. There’s always going to be a longing feeling in your heart and in the back of your mind. And you don’t have to ignore it. But don’t feed it either. Don’t spend your days only thinking about them. Because the relationship becomes unbalanced, you can begin to feel like you’re not getting enough attention and start to resent them, when in reality it’s not their fault, it’s just that they’re the only thing that is ever occupying your thoughts.
Communicate. This is absolutely necessary, and arguably the most important part in any relationship, let alone a long distance one. Communicate your feelings. Tell each other what you’re thinking, if something is off, if you’re worried about something, if something bothers you. Instead of keeping it all inside, let them know, so that they have the chance to explain or clarify a situation. It’s very possible that we make stories in our own heads, and 99%, if not 100% of the time, they are completely ridiculous and inaccurate. However, that story is enough to make the relationship crumble if you feed into it and don’t communicate your thoughts and feelings.
That being said, don’t bombard them with accusations. You have to know how to decipher between what is you, (when you’re feeling bad about something that has nothing to do with them), and don’t blame or punish them for it and when there is something really going on between the two of you and addressing it calmly. It is crucial to express yourself in these moments. I’ve made the mistake of letting something stir within me, thinking it will pass, when all it did was make it worse. All I had to do was tell him what was going on with me. Because your partner can’t read your mind either, and they can feel when something is off, most likely derailing them too, and it ends up spinning out of control just because something so small turned enormous by not letting it out.
Communicate the amazing things happening in your life too. Tell them how much you miss them and make plans for when you see each other next. Share stories, pictures and videos with each other. This is the basis of your relationship. You have nothing if you don’t communicate, because you don’t have the privilege of seeing their body language, their expressions or feeling them. Words are all you have. Master the art of communicating.
Understanding. Understand that there are days busier than others. Sometimes one of you has a horrible day and doesn’t necessarily wants to discard all of it onto the other person. As much as you may miss them and want to talk to them, respect their space and their needs. Understand that they will go out, meet other people, and live their life as well. This is where trusting them comes into play. They are allowed and entitled to fully live their life, as you are entitled to live your own. You have no way of knowing what they are doing, and you never will. That is not the goal. The goal is to trust them, understand, and communicate enough to give each other the freedom of being happy for them and letting them do whatever they want (as long as it respects the relationship). We trust each other and know that when we are jealous, it has to do with our own inner wounds, and not the other person. The other person isn’t doing anything wrong. It is a balance between working on yourself and communicating all your thoughts and feelings. We comfort each other, respect, and love each other. And that is what we focus on. We don’t give into the small, negative, absurd thoughts that come and go. Because of this, we deepen our love more than we could if we were physically together.
Make them a priority in your life. Set aside time for them. It’s harder with time zone differences but still very possible. Send them a message so that they can read it when they wake up. Do small things that make you feel connected.
All in all, there are 3 main points to keep in mind. Live and focus on your own life, communicate your thoughts, emotions and talk about what connects the two of you, and trust and understand each other. Working on all of these things also means you are working on yourself because in the end, you are half the relationship, and the only way you can help the relationship is by making sure your side is taken care of. There are never any guarantees with anything. Anything can happen whether you’re in the same city or not. Try your best, and if it doesn’t work out, know that it was for the best. Because if it can’t survive long distance, could it really survive a lifetime? Trust that there is something better out there waiting for you. And if it does survive, your relationship will be so much stronger because of this. You fortify your connection to each other. In the end, a long distance relationship is amazing because it helps you see the other person in a different light, and it definitely tests both people as well as the relationship, and if it passes the test, you can reap the rewards and see your relationship flourish when you reunite.
