Tell me what you want….

…Because I have no idea….

I’m 34 years old and at this point I can definitely tell you what I don’t want in a relationship. I have enough experience to know that certain things just aren’t my cup of tea. I know what kind of personalities I click with and what type of people I tend to be compatible with but only in a vague sense . If you ask me what I’m looking for, I have no idea! If you ask me what I want in a partner, I still have no idea!

When I told my dad I was writing about relationships he jokingly said “what are you going to call it, trial and error?” He was joking, luckily we have that type of relationship, but you know that saying the truth is always said in jest? It’s funny but it’s closer to the truth than I’d like to admit. I am definitely a “wing it” kind of guy. I don’t have a particular fondness for certain attributes, I tend to enjoy personalities, if we click well I’ll definitely be interested in seeing where things might go. I learned long ago that looks only go so far and in the end, gravity wins! I always try to look for things deeper than external beauty in a potential partner but that is where my ideals for a partner end.

This could also explain my lack of success in relationships.

You see, the “wing it” thing worked when I was younger and didn’t really care much about relationships or think about my future. Now, being older and (somewhat) wiser, I am different, my ideals are different, my values are different, and my vision for the future is different.

Most of us aren’t thinking about settling down in our 20’s. In my case, I spent the majority of my 20’s with one partner and our 2 children. When we went our separate ways, I still had my teenage ideals. I reverted to what I knew before my children’s mother and I got together. (We got together when I was 17) Needless to say, I wasn’t adding deep meaningful relationships to my life. I will leave the rest to your imagination.

After a long string of unsuccessful relationships, with some toxic ones sprinkled in, I met my now ex-wife. She’s my ex-wife so let’s put that one in the unsuccessful relationship category. After my separation I was purposeful in not dating just trying to find myself and work through the aftermath of divorce. However, when I did entertain the idea of dating or met someone interesting, once again I fell back into old ideals. Reverting back to what I knew rather than trying something new.

Another great piece of wisdom from my father came years ago when he told me that I “keep dating the same girl with a different face and you’re surprised when it doesn’t work out” (My dad is a great source of honest and caring constructive criticism in my life. If you don’t have a person like this, you need one! I have a few!)

My dad was right then and had we had the conversation now, he’d be right again. I kept going back to what I knew. But what I knew didn’t work! And I knew it didn’t work!

Stop and think for a second… Now be honest, how many times have you been in that position? Have many times have we known that what we were about to do wasn’t going to work or even go well but we did it anyway? The answer, for me, is; more times than I can count. I am fantastic at pursuing bad ideas!

There has to be a better way! There has got to be a way for us to evolve in this area!

Before I propose a solution, allow me a moment to be clear about a couple of things: I am not an expert or a guru. I am not formally educated in this area. I am just a guy who has had a lot of experiences. Good, bad, or indifferent our experiences qualify us to share what we’ve learned with others so here I am. Now we may proceed.

Have you ever bought a car? If you haven’t, for the sake of the conversation pretend you’d like to! Usually you do some research. You like a certain brand or color. You look for certain features. Usually we have a set of ideals through which we gauge whether or not a vehicle meets our needs.

See where I’m going with this?

The car is a good analogy. There are a lot of others too but the point is when we are making important decisions we tend to have a list of ideals that we want met before we proceed. Whether it’s a car, a new house or apartment, a job, a school, (you get my point) we are selective in our decision making process and expect these things to meet a certain criteria before we move forward. Why should relationships be any different?

How much would our dating lives and relationships change if, instead of knowing what we don’t want and winging the rest, we had a set of ideals by which we measured our potential partner? Keep in mind I know that this is self focused and relationships are meant to be a mutual thing but let’s just assume the interest is mutual.

If I know what it is I’m looking for, I’ll quickly know whether or not you’re able to fit the bill. Let’s say we have a list of 10 things we want in a partner. (You can have more or less) If someone meets 7 out of 10, that’s probably a good person to pursue. If you hold out for 10 of 10, you’ll probably be holding out for a long long time but, as an optimist, I do believe in unicorns. Comparatively, if someone only meets 4 of 10, we know they’re probably not the ideal partner.

Knowing what it is we want, and expect, from a partner helps us eliminate anyone who won’t be able to give us that which we seek but it also helps us to avoid tons of bullshit associated with bad relationships and toxic people we might involve ourselves with if we just keep winging it. If we are serious about relationships, and our future, shouldn’t we put at least as much thought into what we want as we would if we were car shopping?

We all dread the days when we forget our grocery list only to come home remembering that we already had ice cream but we were definitely out of toilet paper? Having an ideal in mind basically gives us a filter through which we can determine our compatibility with a potential partner. Rather than a “trial and error” method we can be a bit more calculated, a bit more mature, and save ourselves, and others, a lot of time and heartache.

A little shift in perspective can go a long way. Not just in relationships but also in life in general. We have a natural tendency to focus on the negative. Maybe a focus on the positive in one area will open us up to paradigm shifts in other areas as well. I don’t know about you but I’m tired of wasting my time. I’m no longer content with the hamster wheel of bullshit that continues to move but ultimately goes nowhere. I crave something different, something deeper, something real.

Over time our ideals will change, because we will change. That’s okay, that’s part of growing up. If your ideals change often maybe you’ll want a partner whose ideals change often as well. There is no sure fire way to guarantee us happiness or good relationships. But, there certainly are things we can do intentionally to save us from the bad experiences. Focusing on what we don’t want might help us spot the red flags but perhaps we would be better served looking for green flags instead. Rather than looking for reasons to run away, let’s look for reasons to stay, if we know what we want, that’s a much easier prospect!