Texting is Soulless, But We Don’t Have to Be: A Millennial’s Guide to Texting Like a Human
In 1987, Whitney Houston told us she just wanted to dance with somebody who loves her. In 2018, that is a very high bar. I just want to dance with someone who will text me back.
I used to think that a timely text response wasn’t too much to ask for. Now I am not so sure. A complex flow chart of rules and guidelines void of personal feelings has developed to dictate if, when, why and how we text back and seems to be available only to the person who has the perceived power in the conversation. The chart apparently takes into consideration length of time between texts, how much you like or want to see a person, your current mood, how many hours you slept last night, what you had for breakfast, the phase of the moon, the tilt of the earth and whether or not Mercury is in retrograde. I have not been schooled in the chart’s dynamics but have lowered my expectations considerably since its inception.
We have forgotten that a phone is attached to a human being who has both feelings and experiences that dictate how they respond to the signaling of said phone. The words we send via text have weight in their apparent objectivity. The words themselves are the only things we have to work with. Unless we deeply know and understand the person on the other end, they exist without tone or context. They leave much up to interpretation.
That is assuming that there are even any words to interpret at all. Now more than ever, people are ignoring text messages and evaporating into The Cloud. Some call it ghosting. I call it bullshit.
We all take much needed breaks from technology and our hectic lives often cause digital messages to get lost in the shuffle. But both of those excuses have expiration dates. Unless the person who reached out is an absolute monster (in that case BLOCK them) or you’ve made it very clear you will not be getting in touch again (or that you forgot to mention that you are going on a three-month silent meditation retreat in the Himalayas, true story) going more than 24 hours without responding is a resounding rejection. This is especially the case when a person has asked you a direct question whose answer will likely have an impact on the sender’s schedule and mood. Leaving these text questions unanswered is like standing up and walking away in the middle of a perfectly pleasant live conversation after throwing a drink in your conversational partner’s face. I know most of us were raised better than to do that- so keep in mind what your mother/ father/ sister/ brother/ [insert formative figure here] would have to say about you ignoring a text.
It is easy to succumb to the power of our handheld machines, but it doesn’t mean we have to. I’m no expert and have been guilty of inconsiderate texting habits in the past, yet I find myself increasingly frustrated with how our communication culture has evolved. It has become a game where one player knows all the rules and the other can be substituted out at any time by an endless parade of interchangeable benchwarmers.
In an effort to help us repent and reform, below are ten considerations to keep in mind when you are choosing to enter into a texting exchange with someone new, especially someone you may have romantic interest in. None of the following include algorithms for determining the exact number of minutes you should wait before responding or tips on how to sound both cool and chill (read: not desperate). All are things to keep in mind if your goal is to come across as a decent human being:
1. Texts should be crafted carefully and honestly. The recipient will likely be excited to hear from you and will take your words seriously, so be sure you are clear in your meaning. Nothing should be sent thoughtlessly or without considering potential impact. If you say, “I really want to see you” they will assume you really want to see them. If you don’t, in fact, want to see them… don’t say that you do.
2. Texts should be sent with an intention for action. Following up, if you say, “I really want to see you”, make it crystal clear how and when you intend to make that happen, or don’t say it at all.
3. Texts are permanent. You lose the ability to edit your message once you hit send. Your words now live forever on the recipient’s phone, so be completely confident in your delivery before shooting it into the cloud. Any vagueness will lead to anxious hole poking. Given the way the human brain works, the recipient will likely reread the text multiple times and discuss it with their friends looking for its nuance and any hidden meaning that might rewrite the situation in their favor.
4. Texting can produce a tremendous amount of anxiety for most. We are all made up of histories and experiences that we bring into every new relationship. Even if you are not fully clued in to your partner’s past, be sensitive to the fact that it exists. Your texts, or lack thereof, may be subliminally touching upon something deeply rooted. If you are receiving responses that are noticeably less warm (or if they double text), don’t assume the person is “crazy”, “desperate” or “dramatic”- ask what’s up.
5. Texts should never be used to placate, buy time or manipulate. If you aren’t sure about your feelings for the person or if you can fit them into your schedule and your life, say that. Never string them along or make plans you aren’t sure you can keep. That is what we call, the worst.
6. Texting is synonymous with our generation, think about how you want us to be seen. People have a lot to say about millennials, and most of it ain’t good. While texting interactions are meant to be private, they are impacted by and have impact on our lives in the real world. Please don’t contribute to the narrative that we are selfish, self-involved digital zombie babies who have no idea what we want because we want everything and operate as such.
7. Texts are not the only indicators of your character, but they certainly contribute to your story. If you are unreliable, aloof, and inconsistent over text, one can assume you are unreliable, aloof and inconsistent in life- even if you aren’t. You can be fantastic in person, but remember your digital personality is now part of your portfolio as a person.
8. Texts are not a shield. No, the other person cannot physically see you when they read your message, but it doesn’t mean they cannot be impacted. Never hide behind a text. If telling the truth makes you queasy, get over it. Woman or Man up and type out the truth or better yet, see consideration #9.
9. Texting is ONE vehicle for communication, but it isn’t the only one. Self-explanatory, but worth saying.
10. Texting involves human beings who have feelings and are not disposable. Again, self- explanatory, but worth saying.
Taken together, these ten things ask you to treat your texting partner as you would like to be treated. As corny as that sounds, we have all been in texting chains where we are the more invested party and the messages from the other side have the ability to sink us. Keep that perspective in mind when you are tempted to either not answer or send a note that may buy you some time. You’ll be surprised how rationally most people respond to honesty.
And maybe, just maybe, with a little time and a lot of effort we can rise back up to the bar Whitney set for us twenty years ago.
