The Fine Line Between Discernment and Criticism
Thoughts on the impending death of a relationship
Women care far more than men about the minutiae of domestic life. Specifically, we care a great deal about the choices men make in the domestic realm. We have opinions about where he gets his hair cut, what clothes he wears, and his ‘skincare’ regime. Guys, for the love of God, you can do better than soap. We gauge his propensity to pick up after himself, put a load of washing on, or put the toilet seat down. We yearn for him to proactively do the child-rearing jobs like bath time and dinner time at the time they need doing (according to us). We even want dibs on who he spends time with and for how long.
Like sunlight boring through a magnifying glass, the intense focus of our opinions and expectations turns the essence of a man’s humanness to ash. Why can’t we let them be?
I recently read an article in The New Yorker about the differences between the way male and female authors approach love. Walden states that “heroines in books by women have studied their beloveds’ minds with a methodical, dispassionate eye”. This notion of sifting love through our brain, rather than our hearts, struck a chord with me. Walden goes on to say that heroines value intelligence and character and this leads to respect, a fundamental ingredient for the sustainability of feminine love and desire. She’s talking about a fictional world but it feels true in our world too. It’s certainly been my experience.
And herein lies the dilemma: respect is fickle and if love is tethered to it, love can be whittled away with every chore left undone, embarrassing bro talk, or ugly shirt let loose upon the world.
So, can we dial down the discernment or is this part of the feminine psyche when it comes to love?
Who knows.
What is known is that criticism is a killjoy and everyone needs the space and safety to express who they are, free from the judgement of their significant other. Jared Weiss, a fellow Medium writer, says it best in this article:
Maybe the solution is that if we can’t meet them where they’re at, we could try not to say it out loud? At least not as often.
I’m not inferring women should give up on taste, intelligence, or mutual understanding when searching for a mate. What I am saying is that once we are in a relationship, presumably with a person we love and respect, we could give them space to make their own choices. Our partners deserve to flourish as much as we do.
Celebrate their $20 haircut and hold your tongue until they get around to doing whatever it is they said they would do. It won’t be easy and it isn’t realistic all of the time, let’s face it, the kids need feeding and the washing doesn’t do itself. You may feel like your needs won’t be met or that the work of life will be too great for one (I know I sometimes feel that way), but it will be a gift to your partner and in turn you.
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