“They say that breaking up is hard to do”
For those of you that have been following me on this blog, you know that I owe you the story about what happened when my ex’s Tiki mermaid affair partner sent me a letter on Facebook Messenger. And I promise, it’s too good not to share — so that is coming. But, I am interrupting my irregularly scheduled blog to bring you this musical interlude.
Did you know that iTunes has 33 OFFICIAL Break-up Playlists?
As any true drama queen knows, a really life shattering event, such as an unwanted divorce, cannot be fully processed without the right playlist. Music as a universal language is not just a cliché — you figure that out very quickly when your life is falling apart and you suddenly realize that Alicia Keys (Try Sleeping with A Broken Heart — was she IN my head last night?) is singing to you about your life!
Before my ex left, music, other than the Trolls soundtrack (as I was working on the film), had kind of faded from my life. I always liked music, but I didn’t find a lot of opportunity to listen to it. In the car, I am almost constantly on the phone; at home, my, um, eclectic taste in music wasn’t really my ex’s jam. I just didn’t have a musical soundtrack for my life — my brain was consumed with the cacophony of my job, my husband, my step-kids, my family, my friends.
Maybe if I had taken a beat, I would have heard the portending music of doom in the background — but stillness was not in my nature, and I was so busy trying to “fix” everything, how could I possibly slow down? And if I did slow down, wouldn’t the intense anxiety from which I was running catch up with me and consume me? I needed to find a new job — no, I needed to find 15 new jobs as I was responsible to my team, and our company had been acquired, leaving no one safe. And if I wasn’t busy trying to micro-manage that, I had to figure out how to get my oldest step-child a new therapist as the previous one was of no help at all, and I only had time to work on that when I wasn’t interviewing school advocates, psychologists and educational therapists for my middle one! And then there was my ex, who would express his deep gratitude for all I was doing for the kids, followed by an admonishment that helping his kids was not the same as meeting his needs — which were epic and seemed unending at the time. There was no room for music, there was no room for me– there was just a lot of “doing” — a lot of noise.
Funny how I could almost literally hear the DJ record scratch/screech– that, “Uh-oh, things are about to go VERY bad, VERY fast” sound effect, as soon as my ex drove off with the last of his stuff. He could not have been out of the house more than 10 minutes before I went FULL ON ADELE. And I don’t mean I just had her blaring — I mean I was in my dog’s face, practically screaming:
“Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing…”
Tears streaming down my face, I threw myself into the pain — pain which Adele clearly understood; Lola, however, was very confused, and, I think, a little frightened.
Keep in mind, the “Adele Incident,” was just Day 1. It was a “no brainer go to.” I knew my girl Adele understood how devastated I was — we were so in sync.
You see, the reason there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many songs about break-ups and heartache is because everyone but a sociopath can relate. We’ve all been broken-hearted about something. But for me, I was determined to push on the bruise that now covered my heart. It was not enough for me to just wake up every day feeling decimated and broken. I needed to fully embrace my pain; I needed PJ Harvey’s “That Was My Veil,” and A Great Big World’s “Say Something.” And, sometimes I felt an overwhelming need to send the lyrics to my ex (quick word of advice — I really don’t recommend this — it rarely has the intended effect of making the ex realize that they have made a horrible mistake — it apparently engenders more of a “restraining order” kind of feeling). I felt a little crazy — but honestly, only a little. I found a strange comfort sharing my pain with Christina Perri and Beyoncé. How had I not known before just how very connected we were?
I imagine that most people that know me would have expected me to make an anthem of “I Will Survive;” and, I really, really wanted to. But it didn’t fit the way I felt. I did not feel like a survivor; I felt unmoored. No — most times you could catch me singing full (awful) voice to “Can’t Drink You Away” into my hairbrush/microphone. I was the lead singer in my own melodrama.
Shockingly, diving in deeper to what already felt like a bottomless pit of pain was not actually making me feel better, though I did feel less alone. Slowly, carefully, I started to add in some Pink, then some Taylor Swift, and on a particularly optimistic day, I broke out the Trolls soundtrack and fake-danced with the dogs to “Can’t Stop the Feeling;” HOWEVER, I had to be careful — I was starting to feel more like myself — but radio could kill me. As our wedding song was AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell,” anything from “Back in Black” could induce tears — and trust me, you don’t want to be that woman explaining to people in a bar why you are crying over the song “Let Me Put My Love Into You.” It’s just a whole other level of weird and trying to explain actually makes you seem even more insane.
So, as the processing and healing come in mangled stops and starts, I have created my own break-up playlists. Some days, I am all, “Shake It Off,” and some days it’s totally “Somebody That I Used to Know.” And some days, I can actually be still, and quiet, and I know that I’m going to be OK. Usually followed by an empowering sing along to a Journey song — a band that my ex just loathes…it’s the little things.
“Music is the shorthand of emotion.” — Leo Tolstoy
#pink #taylor swift #christina perri #alicia keys #marriage #divorce#quotes #musicheals #music helps #infidelity #healing #singalong #dogs#acdc #iwillsurvive #justin timberlake #adele #heartbreak
