This is Why I Love Being Single
One year, two months, and twenty some odd days — that’s how long I’ve been single. As Valentine’s Day looms, I know many of us are taking a magnifying glass to our relationship statuses. We just barely made it past cuffing season, and now this holiday rears its gaudy pink and red Hallmark head.
While my default Valentine is my 5-year-old, I’m actually glad I’m not paying for an overpriced dinner on February 14th. Plus, I’ve started thinking about my single status in a way that’s unexpectedly, well, comforting. For most of my twenties, I’ve defined myself largely by my status as a “mother” and a “girlfriend,” often using both relationships as a sole way to define my identity. When my status of being with another person changed, so did my whole world. What I didn’t expect was the richness and fulfillment singledom added to my life rather than the empty void I initially anticipated.
We’re supposed to think being single sucks.
And it does suck for a bit, especially right after coming out of a long-term relationship. Being single can feel disorienting. After my relationship of six years ended, it took some time for me to regain my footing. I felt like I had the task of rebuilding an entire city in the aftermath of a record-breaking earthquake, all while nursing my own bruises. I settled into a new routine, furnished my own new space, sorted out custody of my daughter, reorganized my budget, and shed buckets of salty tears.
Then, there’s the deeper, more painful realities to face that only time and gentleness would resolve — like the feeling of an empty side of the bed, or showing up to events as the only person without a plus one. These heavier moments of loss have a sharp sting and might make you question your core identity, and whether you will ever find someone to fill in that void. But when you come out on the other side, you realize you don’t really have a void, and that you’re not actually half a heart with a jagged rip in the middle waiting for someone new in order to feel whole again.
Being single doesn’t actually suck — in fact, it can be wonderful.
In Rebecca Traister’s New York Times Bestseller, All The Single Ladies, Traister investigates the emotional lives of single women in America. Traister writes, “There is an assumption, put forth by everyone from greeting card companies to Bruce Springsteen, that nobody likes to be alone, least of all women. But many women, long valued in context of their relations to other people, find solitude — both the act of being alone and the attitude of being independent — surprisingly sweet relief.”
When the grief of loss from my previous relationship faded away, I tasted a new sweetness and sense of excitement surrounding this entirely new life I began to lead. I started channeling the time, energy, and respect I had reserved for a partner into another person: myself. I said goodbye to the dreams and goals I built with another person and started constructing my own goals based on re-examined values and beliefs. To put it simply, I got to know myself really well, and that process opened up a universe within me that I had previously left unexplored.
Get intimate — with yourself.
Think of it this way: the more you know yourself, the better you get at choosing a partner, or even friends, who are complementary without straying from your identity. Take it from the tear-jerking second verse of Ariana Grande’s 2018 banger, Thank U Next: “Plus, I met someone else/We havin’ better discussions/I know they say I move on too fast/But this one gon’ last/’Cause her name is Ari/And I’m so good with that.” (Fun exercise: replace “Ari” with your name, and see what happens.)
I’ve taken the last year to explore the pain and confusion I’ve felt in order to understand how that pain manifested. While being in relationship taught me about the ways I prefer to express and receive love, stepping out of a relationship helped me to identify destructive behaviors and patterns that were playing out in my relationships with others. I now have the wisdom to listen to my feelings in order to vocalize my needs and boundaries, and ultimately break toxic patterns. For me, this clarity came as I grew into this identity as a woman, unattached. Now, I’m simply unwilling to compromise on myself.
Your relationship with yourself is the one that will last regardless of who comes and who goes (to put things into perspective, you are the only person you take to the grave with, well, you). If you feel hurt, sit with that pain, understand what caused it and how it happened. If you’re lonely, ask yourself what it is that makes you feel lonely. If you’re having a moment of happiness, feel the depth of that happiness, thank the universe, and explore its source. Chances are, you’ll surprise yourself with the answers you come up with and become better at vocalizing your emotional needs once you start to share your world with another person.
You don’t have to date just because you think all the other single people are doing it.
Speaking of sharing your world with another person, what about getting to know other people, aka dating?
Hanging with yourself is cool and all, but the truth is, human beings long for connection with other humans. Thanks to a multitude of apps, fostering connections should be quite efficient nowadays. Since the beginning of my last relationship, the dating landscape has changed dramatically — meaning, it should technically be easier to arrange dates. There are apps for every type partner or kinky fetish you are seeking out, not to mention the growing art of posting “thirst traps” and “sliding into DM’s.”
I tried it. I downloaded a couple of apps and curated the best portrait-mode photos of myself that balanced a “put-togetherness” with a side of “quirky edge.” I swiped, liked, chatted, ghosted — all the things you do on dating apps, until I successfully arranged a date with a bagel who seemed “just-my-type” enough to meet in person.
Once I sat down with my coffee date, I realized an important fact about myself — I wasn’t ready to get into a relationship yet. I wasn’t even ready to date yet. As soon as I took my seat, I felt zero desire to keep things moving in a romantic direction. All the swiping and messaging it took just to get coffee with a stranger (who was very kind!) seemed like effort I needed to channel into other areas of my life. After having spent most of my twenties in a serious relationship, I realized I wanted to float in the lightness of caring primarily for myself and my kid. My one app date taught me this key lesson: I’m simply not ready to jump into the dating scene, and it is perfectly fine to feel that way.
“Single” doesn’t mean “Lonely.”
What is it that drives our desire to be in a relationship? Are there ways to obtain the type of joy a relationship can bring without tying it to one specific individual?
Social Psychologist and self-proclaimed “Single at heart” Bella DePaulo debunks the myth that married people and people in relationships are overall happier than single people in her TEDxTalk “What No One Told You About Being Single.” In her talk, DePaulo finds that single people actually have high levels of happiness and low levels of loneliness, depression, and stress. Single people have more friends, stay in touch with their siblings, tend to their parents, and contribute to their communities. She also addresses the fact that couples tend to be more insular when they are married. In fact, as long as the people living alone have about the same income as people living with others they are actually, on average, less lonely.
I love going to concerts, spending mornings on leisurely hikes, dancing, and eating my way through new countries. None of these interests of mine changed when I became single; rather, new opportunities opened up to share these experiences with other people. Now I have buddies I hike with, travel with, dance with, and I’ve even made new friends while investing more time in my personal interests.
Life as a single person has expanded my social circle and deepened my connections with other people, from family members and childhood companions, to brand new friends. I have the privilege of developing life experiences with a wide range of folks, and I don’t feel the void I feared when my last relationship ended. In fact, the connection I feel with others is so palpable, that void doesn’t exist.
So what’s the key to being happy AND single?
That’s the kicker — you get the wonderful opportunity to define this for yourself!
I know not all single folk reading this will agree with me. Perhaps you’ve been single for years and after dabbling in all the things I mentioned above, you still want a consistent source of human connection. I get it — I just witnessed my parents celebrate their 39th wedding anniversary. My dreams of finding someone to share every intimate moment of my life with are not yet dashed. My takeaway for single people is this: this time in your life as a single person doesn’t have to be spent longing for a partner.
In a society where social media, TV, movies, music — everything we passively consume — points toward being coupled up as a milestone we must achieve in order to obtain happiness, know this: you are not “less than.” You, by yourself, are a whole person. Go to that party alone — you’ll find that other people want to talk to you because chances are, they are tired of their spouse and need to have a conversation outside of their own married world. Whatever you do as a single person, make sure you know it’s because you WANT to, and not because you feel like you HAVE to. Besides, if and when that next partner pops into your life, it might be the real deal until death do you part. Cherish this time to cater to yourself, and cater to yourself with the same shameless love you’d give to another person. You damn well deserve it. ❤
