Through a mother’s eyes
Mothers and their children are in a category all their own. There’s no bond so strong in the entire world. No love so instantaneous and forgiving. — Gail Tsukiyama
Finally, after having to wait for 4 weeks there it was. Your beating heart on the screen. This was my first introduction to you, and the moment I knew that no love I have ever experienced would compare to this. You were barely the size of a poppy seed and I already couldn’t imagine my life without you. As tears welled up in my eyes, reality hit home. I was a mom, this tiny little human growing inside my body was my baby.
That was five years ago, and nine months later I got to hold you in my arms for the first time. To kiss your forehead, count your little fingers and toes, and take in every inch of your perfection. The journey of motherhood had officially started, and as trying as some moments have been, they have been overshadowed by my love for you. I look at you in awe every day and feel gratitude for being able to call myself your mom. You are an incredibly gentle soul, and a kind-hearted little boy. I hope that no one ever takes advantage of that, but rather appreciates it and cherishes, understanding how rare that is in our harsh world. I want to protect you from the cruel realities of this world, and from any heartbreak you may ever experience, but as a parent it is my job to prepare for the disappointments that may lay ahead of you. Being your mom I always thought it was only me who would be teaching and guiding you, what I didn’t realise is how much I would learn from you. The biggest lesson of all that you have taught me and shown me is that of unconditional love.
In articles and books, unconditional love is defined as love with no conditions or love without any limitations. I never truly understood that meaning until I held you in my arms, and knew from that moment that I would do anything to protect you, to care for you and at all times shower you with endless amounts of love. And kisses, definitely lots of kisses, at least until the day you told that it was embarrassing and I needed to stop. You were my tiny little bundle of joy who relied on me for everything. From being fed, having your nappy changes and endless time of just snuggling. You didn’t talk back, or argue. Not unless we count the mushy carrots you threw in my hair, but in your defence, they were gross. Motherhood was simple, and the price of sleep deprivation was an insignificant one to have you in my life.
As you grew older, motherhood seemed less simple. I needed to learn to say no to you, I needed to ensure that you understood right from wrong, and that you started to understand that not everything is simply given to you. Even if it ended up in a temper tantrum and an ocean of salty tears. It would have been simpler to give in to you, but loving you means taking the harder route to do what’s right for you. You are not going to be a little boy forever. I am raising a future husband, a father, a friend, a work colleague; and I want you to exceed and be respected in all of those roles. That means setting the foundations now, teaching you boundaries and respect for others. That lesson also includes teaching you respect for yourself and how to create your own boundaries.
Going through this journey has taught me that regardless how far you push the boundaries, and regardless how mad I get sometimes, my love for you never lessens. Through the screaming tantrums at the mall, the punching and kicking of my car seats and even the “I don’t love you anymore”, my love for you is constant. The flip side of the coin is that regardless how many timeouts you get, or how many times I shout and even withhold dessert, you love me just the same. You have taught me the power of forgiveness.
As simple as this concept may be, what it’s made me realise is that this type of love is possible in adult relationships as well. Unconditional love doesn’t mean accepting undesirable behaviour at the expense of your own happiness. It does not mean giving all of yourself for others and accepting neglect in return. It means loving yourself enough to put your boundaries in place, it means respecting yourself enough to say no, without hate or disdain. You can love someone and care for them, without agreeing with their actions or accepting their behaviour. Unconditional love is something that works both ways. It is based on willingness to listen, to forgive, to heal, not judge or criticise and to communicate honestly by both parties. It is based on mutual respect.
It took me five years of motherhood to learn this. This is the power of a mother-son bond, what I couldn’t learn in thirty years, you taught me in five. My motherhood journey is just beginning with you, and the overwhelming warmth that fills my body when I think of how much I love you is in-explainable. Even through the rough times, that love will never fade and I will always be by your side to guide you and pick you up when you stumble. I love you to the moon and back, now and forever.
