To the Man Who Will Love Me

It won’t matter your pain or past, because I will work with you until the end.

PC: Brady Hutchings

Dear Future Person,

Hi.

I’m me.

I’m quite friendly, loyal, witty, authentic, deep… And I’ve met a lot of your kind; you Y-chromosome carrying, heterosexual homo sapiens. I’ve met your finest, and your… less than finest. I’ve listened, laughed, teased, shared, kissed, danced, and developed a relationship with many of your diverse specimens.

And yet, I’m still constantly surprised that some things are not a given. So, to save us a lot of heartbreak, to move past the surface pitfalls one can so easily fall into, let me establish some basic premises:

1. Never be anyone other than yourself. So, shocker. If we are dating, I like you. If you are still in my life, there’s a good chance it’s because I want you to be. I care about you a great deal. And it’s not because of the person you are trying to portray, or the person you are trying to be. It’s because you are authentic. Knowing me, I like you for the moments you can’t always control: the reactions and laughter, the responses and perspectives. When I date you, I’m watching. I see how you react when you see someone drop their shopping bags in the street. I see how if you don’t end up helping, the guilt for noticing too late. I notice the smile you can’t help come across your face when you talk about your family. I’m watching how you talk about and to your friends. And I’m noticing the small things you do for me. I’m falling for you, not the person you are trying to portray.
2. Always tell the truth, even when it hurts. If we are in a relationship, I only ever want you to be honest with me. I’m not so fragile that the truth will break me. What hurts more is if you lead me on or keep what you’re really thinking and feeling from me. If we are together, I want to be that person you can tell anything to. I want to listen. I am an extremely empathetic and open-minded person. You can try to shock me, or scare me away. But know that I will always challenge myself to be there for you, no matter what. And even if you are afraid, I’ll appreciate your honest, genuine thoughts more than the words you think I want to hear.
3. Recognize emotions change, but actions are remembered. Perhaps this is a faulty idea. Perhaps I am wrong. But I do know that emotions change more quickly than the mind, the body, or the spirit. Living in the emotional gray is scary because it’s reactionary, relative, and isolating. No one will ever know what exactly you are going through, no matter how hard you try to articulate. But it’s the salt, acid, and fat of life. Emotions can be wonderful, terrifying, and diverse. Therefore, when it comes to us dating, I recognize that there will be days when emotions change. One day, you could look at me and feel so inspired and loved. Other days, I may be annoying and overbearing. I want you to be free to feel all emotions. I recognize that emotions don’t define us. I recognize that not every emotion will be the best, and that’s okay. It’s what we do with those emotions that matter.
4. Realize that if you’re down, I am too. One of my favorite quotes from the Marvel Cinema Universe comes between best friends Steve Rodgers and Bucky Barnes, “I’m with you, until the end of the line.” Friendship to me means I will stick by with you, no matter what. If I’m in a relationship with you, why would I treat it any different? Relationships to me are not about what we can gain from each other, but how we share our lives. It’s about bringing what we have to the table, sharing, and building something new. No matter the ups and downs in your life, I will take my commitment to you seriously and I won’t abandon you.
5. Know that the reason I’m with you is that I chose you. People say you can’t choose who we love. And it’s a true statement. But we absolutely choose the people we get to be with. When I decide to be in a relationship with someone, I do it because what I see, what I feel, and what I care about is the person standing in front of me. If you ever doubt how I’m feeling, rest in the fact that even if you don’t know or understand, I’m with you for a reason.

Future person, you don’t have to have everything together. It’s okay if you sometimes feel weak and vulnerable. It’s okay if you don’t have everything figured out. Relationships are amazing teachers because they teach you things beyond what you can learn by yourself. I hope with these premises, we will be able to grow, separately and together.

All the best,

Me