Touch Me Not!
By: Shreya Parashar
Dear Mom,
I know that you are already rolling your eyes at the salutation. Dear, darling, sweetheart etc. have never been your vocabulary. But this piece of missive is from me to you. And I want you to hear me out…
Mom, you have inculcated some lifelong values in me and have also endowed me with good looks. You taught me to be independent, fierce to the extent of being defiant, loud enough to be heard, and you also told me to conquer the world.
And conquer I did.
You raised me almost on your own as dad was mostly on the move. It must have kept you busy with three children, back to back. As an eight year old when I was put in a boarding school and you did not shed even a tear, I wondered if I should cry. My heart was bursting with pain; I had experienced a heartbreak pretty soon in my life. But I too held back my tears thinking that I should not let you down. I looked around at the girls in my dormitory and wondered why did they sob in their beds late in the night. Until one day a girl who I had befriended confessed that she missed her mother as she was used to sleeping tugged into her mother’s tummy. I was shocked at the preposterous revelation.
The closest I had been to tugging or hugging you was when I was seven years old. I had stealthily come from behind and tried to wrap my arms around your neck. I had startled you and you had spilled milk that you were preparing for my little sister. I was scolded for being careless and told not to repeat it ever. And I did not. But when I smashed the brand new crockery set you did not scold me, not once. I was petrified and then confused by your words.
“It’s ok. Just don’t roam around bare feet, there are glass shards all around.”
“Of course my mom loves me.”
I grew up just fine, clinging on to that notion, scaling heights, conquering one class after another. Ever since I realised that every medal, certificate or a rank in class meant a pat on my back, I did everything in my control to covet the winning positions just to catch a glimpse of pride in your eyes. As if there was a Pavlovian conditioning that I was under, and the pat stimuli pushed me to work harder. I focussed hard, to study and excel. That I liked studying was a blessing in disguise.
You were good parents, you know. While dad showered me with gifts, you ensured that I am not spoilt and I respect and take care of my belongings. I guess you two were on a ‘Tough Cop, Easy Cop’ role play. And I tried real hard to be a good kid, I swear. That I never wet my bed or did not throw any teenager tantrums is a good testimony to that. But I digress…
Thanks to your perseverance, I have a decent job now that I am doing great at. My boss says so. And every time there is some contest in the office, I am charged up. But you know what mom? I am alone. I have somehow not been able to ace the game of relationships and dating. Because I seek rewards in a relationship. Because my mind says that every touch of appreciation or love should be for a reason. Because you did not teach me that one needs to express love with hugs and pecks, or through a caress or by mere holding of hands. Because you never did that to me mom.
You deprived me of a very basic human sense- Touch.
The last guy who walked out on me said that I was cold- hearted. I had mastered hand- holding and side-hugs but it did not bail me out when I received his front hug. I got skittish and I froze.
You know mom, every time I put the phone down, I say that I miss you. But never to you. I wish that the last time when you saw me off at your door, you would hug me. But even I did not. We get clumsy around emoting and expressing love and hence we avoid such gestures. But if someday I become a mom (which seems far-fetched with my current dating score), I will hold my child close. I will tell her that it is ok to cry if she feels pained or that a hug is the best way to comfort someone when words fail to do their job. A hug, sometimes without a reason is equally ok. And that the best way to express your love to someone is by simply telling- I love you.
I love you mom.
