Understanding Codependency: 11 Signs That You Are A Love Addict

As with any addiction, the first step on the road to recovery is acceptance.

Photo by Maira Gallardo on Unsplash

Recently, I was having a conversation with a dear friend who is also a recovered codependent. He had said he didn’t really like the label “codependent” and avoided it when describing the issues he has had with relationships. This I can totally understand, as in many of the articles I’ve been reading recently about love and relationships, the word codependent might as well be a four letter word. There is definitely a stigma attached to it and this will only make it harder for people to come to grips with what is not a simple character flaw, but an actual full blown mental health problem. So, let’s call it what it is, shall we?

Codependence is an addiction, an addiction to love and relationships.

So, I did a bit of googling with the term “love addict” and here is a synopsis of some of the key points:

1. Comes from a dysfunctional home where emotional needs for love and intimacy have not been met.
2. Attempts to satisfy these needs vicariously by showering someone else with all the love and attention they themselves have never received and still want to receive.
3. They will choose a partner who is needy in some way — emotionally unavailable, depressed, angry, grieving, physically disabled, etc. and who reflects own childhood experiences. For example, mother or father was emotionally unavailable or angry and abusive, so will choose a partner who is also like this.
4. They will try to “heal” or “save” this partner by taking care of all of their needs and wants. The love addict is the master chameleon, moulding themselves into whatever they believe their partner most desires.
5. A love addict’s worst fear is abandonment and will do anything to avoid this which means that self respect gets thrown out the window.
6. Due to this fear of abandonment, they will do everything for the partner — will take on all the responsibilities in the home, do their partner’s work for them, find them a job, take care of their health needs, etc.
7. As love addicts are so used to the lack of love and emotional support from their childhoods, they put up with abusive behaviour from their partner, as this is both what they think of as “normal” and what they believe they are “worth”.
8. Love addicts become focused more on the fantasy of the relationship than the actual reality. They can only see the partner’s potential and choose to ignore the partner’s abusive or dysfunctional behaviour.
9. They will make excuses for the partner to hide the reality of their relationship and ignore their own needs. For example, will take care of everything in the household, because their partner is tired or depressed. Will lie and make excuses for the partner to friends and family members, downplaying the amount of work they do for the partner.
10. The need to do everything also satisfies the love addict’s need to control the relationship and the partner. As their own upbringing was so out of control and chaotic, this gives them a sense of false security.
11. This I believe is the most important point: Putting all the focus onto the partner, takes the focus away from the love addict’s own inner pain and turmoil. By working on the relationship and the partner, they avoid working on themselves.

As you can see, Love Addict = Codependent. Love addict sounds so much nicer, though, doesn’t it? I mean, who wouldn’t want to be addicted to love? This is very misleading, though, as it’s actually not love that the codependent is addicted to, it is validation.

Validation of their existence.
Validation of their self worth.
Validation of their worth to even exist at all.

The partner becomes the mirror for the codependent reflecting back to them what they most want to see about themselves. That they are perfect, that they are wonderful and, therefore, that they are worthy of love.

Recognising that you are a codependent/love addict is the first step towards recovery. As outlined in my last article, Breaking Yourself Free From Codependency, you must get to the roots of your codependent behaviour which is based in your childhood. Then, through non-judgemental self observation and awareness of your thoughts and behaviours coupled with compassion and empathy for yourself and others, you can break through the chains of pain that are keeping you locked into this unconscious pattern.

As you begin your journey towards wholeness through self nurturing and self love, you will find that it feels like there is nothing to hold onto. With nobody there as a mirror to reflect an identity back to you, you will wonder who you really are. This can be a frightening and anguish filled experience.

Instead of feeling grief or fear for this unknown person that you are, see it as an adventure of self discovery. Treat this new relationship with yourself like you would a new relationship to a potential partner. When you become attracted to someone you want to know everything about them, right? Take this natural tendency and turn it onto yourself.

Kris Gage is a writer on Medium that I’ve been following since I started my healing journey as a recovering codependent. Her insights have been invaluable to me and I highly recommend taking a look through her writings about love and relationships. She said it best in her piece Most Of What We Think of As “Love” is Bullshit:

“Whatever you are attracted to or think you want or need in a partner is actually what you should first provide for yourself.”

The questions that you have asked about a potential partners in the past, you should be asking of yourself now as you go through this healing process:

What do you like?
What are your favourite things?
What makes you feel happy?
What makes you feel safe and secure?
What makes you feel truly loved?

Use the answers to these questions to validate yourself by showering yourself with the attention you’ve been craving all your life and that you would normally be showering upon a potential partner. Cook yourself a delicious meal, buy yourself flowers, do all of those little things for yourself that you would wish a partner would do for you.

Accept yourself as unconditionally as you would accept your potential partner. Understand and forgive yourself of your character flaws just as you would in a potential partner. Fix these character flaws within yourself as you would wish to do for a potential partner.

Accept that you can’t control or change anybody. There is only one person in this world that you can change and that is yourself. You can help someone, you can support someone, but you cannot change anyone. Only they can do that for themselves just as only you can truly give to yourself the love and attention that you so desperately want.

Most of all, you should not feel ashamed. Not of being a recovering love addict/codependent nor of the conditions from your childhood which are the root cause of your addiction. Surround yourself with those who will support you and your truth. If they do not support you or if they make you feel guilty in any way, then these are not the kind of people you need in your life.

As scientists are discovering, the cure for addiction is connection. For a love addict, recovery can be very difficult as the thing that a love addict is addicted to is actually also the cure — other people! So, for a love addict, the most important connection to develop first is the one that you have to yourself. Next are the connections that you have with your support network of friends and family, and then to all others. Develop and nurture these valuable connections as you develop and nurture yourself.

As you begin to shed away the years of conditioning that you have put upon yourself, you will begin to feel the love that has always been there waiting for you right there inside of you. There will come a point in time where you will be so overflowing with this love that there is then only one thing left to do. Share it!