View unremembered
She said you shot the dog right in front of us, the dog with the broken leg you had accidentaly run over not once but twice, and now for lack of money to fix it yet again, took us for a drive for Thanksgiving dinner, pulled over to a large field and took it out a ways in the weeds and shot it between the eyes. He was a beagle, just a small young dog, perhaps one of your hunting dogs but one of many we had. I do not remember this, perhaps I do not want to.
She told me many stories that night. Telling me that my memories of back then were skewed, for I thought you had left when I was five, she now tells me I was three and that you had visited when I was five. I don’t remember much of back then. I know the walls in the kitchen, old and yellowed ran in stripes of fruits, like something out of the scene with the lickable wallpaper in Willy Wonka, but that memory came to me later and was after we no longer lived there.
I remember bad things, dead things like cats and rabbits, fodder for the coyotes and wild dogs that roamed, but not THAT image from the car. Not the image of you shooting the poor dog with your rifle raised. I know things were different back then, times were hard and raising kids out in the sticks was a tough existence, hunting to put meat on the table, growing vegetables and fruit trees for canning staples for the winter. I didn’t eat meat as an adult for 25 years. I really don’t like it now but that’s another story.
But you, you were just a black and white blip in my mind until you returned. You wanted forgiveness and I gave for I had no reason not to. You wanted to be a part of my life, telling me that you weren’t allowed to before, that she wouldn’t let you. We live now playing this he said/she said game. I do not play games and will only give what I can to the entire affair. I crave my balance and so I will leave views unremembered for that is the only way I know how to keep my soul clear of this. You are an old man now, I know you are in my life for a reason and I will let that edge of my existence play out. It’s too late to change my diapers or watch me walk down the aisle but you will have your space in my life and she will have hers too, but never the twain shall meet so to speak. I create new views, leaving out the rest that is unimportant. It is history yes, but it is not one I care to recall. I know people have the capacity to change, that time can heal wounds and that everyone will always have their own perspective of what happened and how it played out. I will choose light over that darkness. Forty five years of my life have passed and you may not have much time left. I will give you a part of myself for what ever time you have left. I will allow the bandaid to be pulled off to let the healing begin, but I will not leave you alone with the open heart until I know it will not be broken again. I have to. It is my view I will remember.
You tell me you love me, and I see now how much alike we are each time we talk and share stories. This will be the you I will remember. This will be the you I will see, leaving the rest behind as I close the curtain on yesterday and move into tomorrow.
