Waiting without Losing It

“A woman with a ponytail wearing a jacket in a field of grass by a pond in Canada” by Tim Foster on Unsplash

It’s not like anybody likes waiting. I know someone who arrives late everywhere to avoid having to wait for things to get going. Even the airport is timed in a way that they’re mostly running to the gate to meet a boarding plane rather than leisurely relaxing at the gate before boarding. That level of adrenaline is too much for me. I’d rather get to places early and wait a few minutes for the action to start.

But those are mundane things. The real issue with waiting is when it has to do with something you really want but have no real control over whether you get it. You’ve studied, gotten good grades and applied to your favorite schools. Now you have to wait for them to decide to accept you or not. You’re almost done with school and waiting to hear back from potential employers. It’s out of your hands. You’re waiting to hear if you got that promotion, or won that bid. Waiting to hear back from publishers.

They love me, they love me not.

You’re waiting for the day your single status changes, praying you meet the right person to start a new life with. You’re waiting to know if you’re pregnant, dreading the beginnings of those abdominal cramps that signal what you don’t want to see. Waiting to hear the diagnosis, praying that everything is ok and that it’s “gas” causing your symptoms. Waiting to hear from your child, the one who lost her way ten years ago but you have everlasting hope for.

Whatever it is you’re waiting for, the time is hard because you don’t know how long you’ll be in that state and you don’t know what the answer will be. I suppose, in truth, the issue isn’t so much the time, it’s the not knowing. Not knowing how much time will pass and not knowing what comes at the end of it.

“For a while” is a phrase whose length can’t be measured. At least by the person who’s waiting.” — Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

So what do you do? How do you get through the uncertain times with your sanity intact?

1. Don’t pretend you don’t want whatever it is — you know what I mean right? This is when you work hard to convince yourself and others around you that it’s not a big deal and you don’t really want it. That it’s fine either way. Like someone who swears up and down they never want to get married but stays in a toxic relationship nursing secret hopes. Denying what you want can rob you of the chance to examine the things that are coming your way against the standard of quality you’re expecting. Depending on how well you’ve lied to yourself, you might not have allowed yourself to imagine how what you want should look. So you’ll grab anything that resembles it even vaguely. It’s ok to speak out loud what you want. Breathe life into it and expect it.
2. Know when to truly slip into waiting mode and stop the over-analysis— we’ve established that you’re waiting for something that you have no control over. You’ve already made the efforts to set everything up for the best outcome, now it’s time to step back and let things unfold. Any over-analysis or strategizing to influence things will likely be a waste of time or may even sabotage you. Leave it alone and try to focus on something else. This is even harder when what you’re waiting for is the key to transitioning to the next phase and you can’t move until it happens. While this is understandable, the energy you expend obsessing over it can be better spent on thinking of alternatives.
3. Don’t drag down your mood while you wait — you probably started ok in the beginning but your smile gradually became a frown as one day after another passed by. It’s hard to stay positive when you can’t see the way out. But don’t allow yourself to get miserable. There’s no point as it doesn’t speed up the arrival of your answer, neither does it guarantee that you’ll get what you want. Misery likes company but company doesn’t like misery. All you’ll succeed in doing is alienate the people around you who care. So do things you enjoy, watch your favorite shows, stay active and generally change your focus to what you do have.
4. Take it one day at a time — sufficient is today’s grace for today. Don’t try to get ahead of yourself, picturing a week or a month or a year going by and growing weary ahead of time just thinking about it. Just live one day at a time and take care of what you need to. Be mindful and live fully in each moment.
5. Fill your time with positive things — this is related to #3. Allow yourself to be happy while you wait. Try new things. Make memories that will allow you to look back fondly on the journey after you’ve reached the destination. Life is hard and unfair at times, it can be hard to find joy in anything but sometimes, even the little things can help lift your gloomy state of mind. Seeing someone’s smile after you’ve shown them a kindness. Even something as small as that can lift your spirits when you think upon it. Show love every chance you have. That positivity you share broadly will feed your soul and help you get through your challenge.

Photo by Xan Griffin on Unsplash

Don’t multiply the darkness. Seek to crowd it out with light. Before you know it, a day has passed, then one week, then one month, a year, however long it takes. And then you’re on the other side of it all, better, wiser and richer of mind and spirit. And hopefully, in possession of the desires of your heart.