What Happened When I Stopped Apologizing to the Grocery Clerk
The four steps to greater self-worth.
We live in a culture where women and other marginalized groups are conditioned to apologize for taking up space. When a friend pointed this out to me, I started to notice how often I apologized for things I wasn’t even sorry for! And for that matter, I was apologizing for things that were not a fair burden for me to carry.
When a grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted to donate money to a charity I had never heard of, I heard myself say, “I’m sorry, no….” When I needed help from my boss for a computer issue, I heard myself utter the classic phrase, “I’m sorry to bother you, but….” The feelings that accompanied these utterances included feeling guilty for not pleasing people, and ashamed for needing help. Once I identified these issues, I vowed to put an end to this, both for myself and others.
The issue of over-apologizing is related to my own journey through trauma and anxiety, and my work as a therapist and life coach has shown me that I am not alone in this experience.
Telling people we are sorry when we are not (as I did to the grocery clerk who asked for a donation), and apologizing to people for having needs (as I did to my boss for having a computer issue), are related to two intertwined themes that need to be addressed: people-pleasing and low self-worth. Examining these issues helps us claim our own space on this planet, so we can get on with loving ourselves.
Once I realized that apologizing to people was related to my self-worth, I started to notice how unnecessary apologies had snuck their way into my day-to-day life. A therapy client who used a wheelchair parked his chair extremely close to me, causing me to feel uncomfortable. I debated not saying anything at all, but finally said, “I’m sorry, can you please back up a little? I need some more space.” When a person is violating my sense of safety, I have NO reason to apologize to them.
But the truth is that I felt bad for having my own needs, and didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable about his own poor behavior! Thinking of it now, it seems ridiculous. But I know that this experience mirrors that of others.
Why do we apologize when we aren’t even sorry? I started asking myself this question and exploring it with my clients. “I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?” or “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” are classic examples of things we don’t need to be sorry for. My interviews with friends and clients led me to believe that many of us feel bad for having needs, feel shame in taking up someone’s time, and worry that we have somehow let them down by needing something from them.
Underneath this behavior is often the belief that we are not worthy of someone’s extra effort. Furthermore, if we request this extra effort from them, they may not like us. In order to reclaim our power, enhance our self-worth, and stop the people-pleasing, we need to combat these issues.
Eliminating the need for other people to like us eliminates the need to apologize. It gives us the freedom to just be ourselves.
We can’t address an issue that we are unaware of, so by reading this article, you have already begun to alleviate the problem. Here are the four steps to increase your self-worth while breaking the habit of over-apologizing:
1.) Developing Self-Awareness
Now that you know it could be a problem, you will start to notice your use of the word “sorry.” Be sure to note how it makes you feel when you say this word. Do you feel small? Ashamed? Embarrassed to have needs? Given the culture we live in, these are normal feelings, but that doesn’t make them warranted. You deserve better. Knowledge is power, so by noticing your use of the word, you are already on your way to reclaiming your space in a healthy and assertive manner.
2.) The Decision to Change
The second step sounds simple, and in a sense, it is. It’s to make a decision that something needs to change. If you’ve read to this point, I’m guessing you may have decided this already. Now you can declare to yourself, “I am worthy of someone’s time. I am entitled to my opinion. It’s okay to have needs.”
This will take repetition. Many of us have a default voice in our head, which focuses on the negative. For example, our minds often reach toward shame when we have a need. Being aware of these issues gives us the power to summon what I call our “Voice of Reason.” Using your Voice of Reason is like talking to yourself as though you were your own friend. Making the decision that you are going to use your Voice of Reason is the way to start reclaiming your worth.
3.) Compassionate Action
Your third step toward eradicating the epidemic of over-apologizing is your action phase. Once you are noticing yourself feeling apologetic and inappropriately apologizing, it will be time to start replacing your apologies with direct statements of your needs. Try, “Excuse me, can you repeat the question?” instead of “I’m sorry, what did you say?” or “Hey, can you help me with this?” instead of “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” And when you make these statements, feel what it feels like to be worthy and deserving of your question, of people’s time, of having feelings and opinions.
You might need to fake your confidence for awhile. That’s okay too. And when you catch yourself over-apologizing, be sure to be compassionate with yourself. You are learning new skills, and you are working to undo habits that took most of a lifetime to develop. So instead of beating yourself up for over-apologizing, try using your Voice of Reason to praise yourself for noticing!
4.) No More People-Pleasing
Finally, it will help to work toward abandoning the idea that people need to like you. A friend of mine put it this way: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” This is another one that will take time and repetition, and deciding to work towards this is the necessary catalyst for full-on abandonment of the need for approval.
For many over-apologizers, apologizing for our own needs compromises our own values in favor of people-pleasing. If I don’t want to donate my change to the grocery store charity, I don’t need to feel sorry about that. Apologizing to the grocery clerk is something I did to try to make them feel better. People are not always going to like us. Eliminating the need for other people to like us eliminates the need to apologize. It gives us the freedom to just be ourselves.
