What I Learned On My Road Trip Through Alcoholism
Navigating life with a faulty GPS
When I was in my 20’s, my only goal was to outlive my dad who didn’t make it to see his 30’s. But once I turned 30, I achieved my only goal in life and had no idea where to go next. So what did I do? I did what I always did; I drank.
The word befuddlement comes to mind when I think about how I made it this far in life. Having five incredibly close calls with death, and an equal number of concussions, I decided my guidance system was either broken or possessed by a thirsty demon. No matter what course I was on, I always ended up with a drink in my hand.
Bored? Drink. Stressed? Drink. Drink? Drink. You get the picture.
For four more years, my faulty GPS kept me on the path of this lubricated lifestyle. But shortly after turning 34, I opened my eyes to reality. On the morning of December 23rd, 2019, just a few days before Christmas, I realized I spent the last 15 years of my life coming to the conclusion that my drinking was going to kill me. I was faced with a tough question: drink or die? I faced this question before but never had I felt as ready as I was on this morning to answer it. 13 months later, I’m sober, and still here.
There’s a Devil in My Sobriety, but That’s OK
Now that I’ve been sober for a while, I’m sure you’re expecting to hear me say I’ve never felt better. Now, while that is true, it has not been an enjoyable journey. In fact, it started terribly. If I learned anything in my first few weeks, it was that this world is nothing but a torturous, spinning rock.
Fortunately, once I regained the ability to function before 3pm, my feelings changed for the better. I started looking forward to waking up clearheaded and coffee never tasted so good. Mornings were the easy part. I knew the nights were going to be the hardest, and they did not disappoint. They were a roller-coaster of ups and downs.
During my first few months of sobriety, I cycled through so many emotions while binge eating through alcoholic cravings. When I wasn’t eating myself to the brink of extinction, I was battling an incessant barrage of questions like:
“Am I doing the right thing?”
“Why can’t I have just one drink?”
“Why can’t I drink like a normal person?”
“Is there something wrong with me?”
The first question, “am I doing the right thing,” was an easy one, it was yes. But it never stopped popping up in the back of my mind as the cravings crept in, no doubt driven by the same evil that possessed my GPS for 15 years. This devil in my head was hell-bent on getting me to drink again. He would constantly challenge me with the second two questions, “why can’t you just have one drink?” “You really can’t drink like a normal person? I bet you can this time, just go ahead, have one.”
I knew he could not be trusted. This voice, the one I hear when I’m at my weakest, begging me to pop the tops and bring on the numbness, is not who I am, and he no longer has any sway over which direction I take my life.
Though I have ceased listening to my devil, I am still thankful he exists because without being aware of his constant presence, I may forget the dangers that lie inside the bottle. Which brings me around to the last question, “Is there something wrong with me?” That’s an easy one too, and the answer is yes; Alcohol.
How Everything Fell Into Place
I was nursing a hangover on the couch while watching a YouTube clip from The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. The clip starts with Craig doing his opening monologue, but instead of his normal routine, he informs the crowd that he’s “going to do something a little bit different.”
The monologue, though still sprinkled with a few jokes, turns into a deeply personal story where he compares the situation Britney Spears went through in 2007, to the times he often found himself when he was deep in the throes of alcoholism. He tells the audience about a time he was thinking of jumping off a bridge on Christmas to end his life, but got drunk instead and forgot to do it.
When he was watching Britney Spears deal with her problems under the spotlight, he was reminded of himself in his darkest days, and says to the crowd, “she clearly needs help.” The point Craig was making in his monologue is that we all need a little help every now and then, and it’s important to recognize that.
Something inside me connected with this story and it shook me to my core. At that moment I knew if I continued on the path my devil was carving out for me, I was going to have a story like his, or worse; no more stories to tell at all.
Taking steps
That video inspired me to put forth a solid effort at quitting. So, in my way of reaching for help, I signed up for Audible with the sole intention of listening to self-help books, and downloaded my first book; “Alcohol is Sh!t,” by Paul Churchill.
I have listened to this book four times through. It isn’t your typical self-help book where the author whispers sweet nothings in your ear while trying to guide you to some far off, beautiful place in life. Instead, it’s full of profanity, cold hard facts about alcohol, and lots of stories from similar people in the same situation in which I found myself.
Learning From the Past
Now, when I hear that devil’s voice, I think about all the pain and negativity alcohol has inflicted upon me: the few times I almost killed my best friend, the multiple times I almost died, the time I woke up in jail, the time I woke up in the hospital, the time I woke up to the police at my door waiting to take me to jail, and the second time I woke up at the hospital with a catheter inside me, broken ribs, a lacerated liver, a collapsed lung, and stitches in my head with no recollection of the previous night’s events.
Thankfully, my best friend — the one I almost killed a few times — spent the night in the hospital with me that last time and was there when I came to. He was able to fill me in on what happened the night before, including the multiple times he and the nurses had to tell me to stop pulling on my catheter. Yikes.
These were the realities I needed to hear, and all of these events became the memories I would keep with me when I found myself digging in my pockets, searching for my keys to drive myself to a drink. Without these reminders, I might forget the pain alcohol has caused me, and inevitably end up back on the path of the lubricated lifestyle.
Rerouting Your Course
If you find yourself in a similar situation to mine, especially after having endured the abomination that was 2020, give Paul Churchill’s book a download, or watch the Craig Ferguson video I found so inspirational. Maybe you will connect with something in it the way I did, and it will jump-start your motivation.
Once you decide to take the path of most resistance, there are so many things you can do to fill the void that alcohol once occupied in your daily life, you just have to look for them, and give them a try. Here are a few things that work for me:
- Stay moving: Go on a walk, ride a bike, spend a few minutes of each day outside, smell the fresh air.
- Avoid silence: Silence is zen for some people, but it’s my kryptonite. My thoughts take the path straight to the darkest parts of my brain if they are left to wander in the void of noise. Keep the podcasts, playlists, and audiobooks rolling.
- Find a hobby: Be it writing, reading, golfing, fishing, working out, or getting super into something on Netflix, keep your mind occupied.
- Reach out: Like Craig Ferguson found out, life is easier with the help of friends and family (or even anonymous strangers!). This is not going to be an easy road to turn down, but it is far from impossible.
No matter what you decide to do, you aren’t too far gone. Nothing, aside from death, is irreversible.
If you feel like you’re on course for that ultimate irreversibility, reach for the steering wheel from the least heard parts of your mind and make an attempt to turn it. Even if you just graze the wheel, you will end up in a better lane and on a far better course than the one you were heading down.
If you feel like you are unable to change your course, and feel yourself veering toward the exit ramp, please get in touch with the people at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800–273–8255 (24 hours a day) where you will find people who are willing to listen to you and help gently guide you back onto your highway.
Congratulations, You Fixed Your GPS!
Once you decide to increase the quality of your life by cutting out the things that are holding you back, stay on your course, and don’t let that devil in your head keep dictating the directions you take. That red bastard belongs in the back seat and he is only there to remind you of what you shouldn’t be doing. Like all backseat drivers, he has no idea what he’s talking about. Fuck that guy, I believe in you.
Help Helps When Seeking Help
Here are a few resources that will jump-start your journey down a new road.
- SAMSHA: This website has a lot of information on mental/substance abuse disorders. They will even let you know about local support groups and treatment centers.
- How to Stop Drinking: This is an article posted on the Healthline website that provides “easy” to follow steps that will aid you in your mission. What I found interesting about this article is that it asks you to look inside yourself to examine your relationship with alcohol, and find out what it really means to you. It even provides you with an arsenal of things to say when your friends ask you to either have a drink or go out for drinks with them.
- What Happens to Your Body When You Stop Drinking Alcohol: This is a WebMD article, and it is a semi-annoying, click-through style piece. If you can get past the style of this article, it does provide you with 12 beneficial things you can look forward to if you are able to quit, or even just cut back on your drinking. A little P.S. about this article, there are only 12 pages to click through even though it says 13. If you click next on the 12th out of the 13th page, it will take you to a different article and if you’re like me, you don’t appreciate being swindled.
As always, thanks for reading, and if you need any further help or have any questions on my thought process or internal struggles, feel free to email me at j.mike.stanley@gmail.com (!)
