What is love? (Baby stop hurting!)
Human relationships are a major part of our daily lives. And yet, I can’t really say, that I’ve figured it all out. What I know is that there are tons of books and guides out there that teach you how to get love. But hardly anything that teaches you, how to actually love.
We connect on so many different levels, for so many different reasons, all influenced by our patterns, wounds, needs and definitions of love. It’s a dance of giving and receiving, yet everyone has different ideas of what one should give and especially receive. We connect to get reassurance, affirmation, safety, happiness, support etc. etc. regardless of what kind of relationship it is, we have an unconscious agenda behind it. We wanna be seen and heard, we wanna feel sexy, valuable, smart or thousands of other things. And we see, hear and rate according to our personal matrix, formed by all our experiences and general personality.
The problem with this is that it clouds our perception. We stop actually seeing the other person. As soon as we try to fill a lack, the focus is on us. Even if we think that we’re crazy about someone, we’re actually crazy about what that someone makes us feel — an illusion of wholeness. Affection that comes from an emotional scarcity turns quickly into dependence. And then, as soon as our expectations aren’t met, we get disappointed, turn away, feel lonely, get needy or close down.
So what is human love? At least not many of those feelings that we consider being it.
Real love is generous, and yet without the feeling of cutting your own needs. To be able to truly open up, we have to learn to fill our gaps ourselves, do what makes us happy, learn to appreciate and love ourselves.
Because real love occurs from a feeling of emotional abundance. When we feel whole, there is no dependence, no grasping, no fear, that’s the moment when love can really unfold. When it just is, without an „if“ and „when“. And it’s there without the grasping and wanting to own. It allows us and everyone we love to be free. It just simply exists, peacefully, calmly, warmly.
Let’s start with some awareness. With realizing what our connection to someone consists of. Is it nourishing a lack? Does it come from a feeling of scarcity? How can we get behind that feeling and start seeing and listening again, and simply enjoy the state of love within us, filled with positivity and openness?
Let me recommend a book, that really switched something in me. It’s the first work I found really useful in this topic: Susan Piver — The 4 noble truths of Love
And its core message is:
Love is about curiosity and presence over conclusions and a need of assurance.
Let’s connect with curiosity and wakefulness instead of seeking affirmation and making conclusions. Letting go of how another person is supposed to be like, and most of all of what we think that person should do to make us happy. And simply just open our eyes and see who that really is in front of us.
Will Smith wrote his wife an adorable and brilliant love note for their 20th anniversary, which sums up everything:
Love is Like Gardening… I have learned to focus on HELPING you to BLOSSOM into what YOU want to be (into what you were born to be)… Rather than Demanding that you become what my Fragile Ego needs you to be.
I’ve learned to take pleasure in Nourishing YOUR dreams… Rather than wrestling with you to Fulfill my Selfish Needs & Satiate My Insecurities.
I have learned that
Love is Listening.
Love is Giving.
Love is Freedom.
And again: This is not just about romantic relationships and this does NOT mean giving up yourself for someone else. In contrary! To be able to act with this emotional generosity and do it with ease, you have to create your own emotional abundance inside! So let’s start with practicing more love in general, love for ourselves, for people we like, even for people we have issues with. Because love is beyond expectations, beyond anger, fears and insecurities. Love is kindness, love is attention. And then we will start opening up, start to truly see others! That’s where love begins.
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