When I Look at that Person, I Shudder
You’ve probably got a person like that,
The person you can’t stand to be near,
But you hover close by, waiting to see what terrible,
What “Did you hear that?” words you can hardly wait to repeat.
Because you are shocked.
And so am I.
But maybe I’m more shocked by myself.
Because I am old enough to know better
Than to act like a mean girl in high school.
And I tell myself I’m not that girl
Because this dislike is legitimate.
It has roots because
“Did you hear that?”
And I can’t believe a person like this exists in my world
Because that means something is wrong with it.
Or with me.
I don’t like where this is going.
But I also don’t like disliking myself for disliking someone else.
So I briefly flagellate myself, but beneath those shallow wounds
A deeper pain pulses, that of recognition.
I look at her, and I see
The me I keep well hidden.
Every terrible thing she does comes
From her loneliness and need for love.
I know those feelings, but don’t tell anyone, especially me.
If I didn’t watch myself, keep the lid on, act like a grownup,
I’d be like her.
That’s why I can’t ignore her.
She’s a warning sign that reads,
“Don’t blame other people for what you don’t like about yourself.”
And I do.
Knowing this cuts deeper than my best efforts at self-flagellation.
Although I bleed,
This pain sets me free.
