Who loves, dies
He was no longer in his clothes. The few scraps on his body were soaked. His ripped skin could barely be seen beneath the blood, as well as half of his face. He was sitting on a chair. He got up with a lot of effort but still smiled at me. “It’s okay, let’s make that trip we planned tomorrow, remember? It’s okay,” he said, smiling. Despite the immense pain, he still smiled. He always spoke as if there was no problem at all. He was strong. I couldn’t stop my tears when I saw him like that. Especially, seeing that he pretended not to feel anything. Seeing all that strength, the strength I couldn’t have when I needed it. And yet, he said, smiling, “Don’t cry, silly. You’re not hurting.” He was always so kind. He came slowly toward me leaving a large trail of blood that kept flowing. And we hugged each other. And we loved each other. His body was shaking, he fell to his knees. He was too weak. His blood mingled with my tears as I held him in my arms.
“When I was alone, I called you to help me walk safely in the dark, because I was so afraid to go alone, so I first held your hand, which I created myself. When I learned to walk on my own, I’d let go of your hand, and let you go.” When I said that for the first time, I didn’t think it’d sound so selfish now. That’s not how I thought it would end. “I don’t want to let you go anymore.”
“I think it’s a bit late to think about it,” he said in a joking tone. “Go to sleep now, you’ll wake up better tomorrow. Dream of our walk in the park and that delicious cake you said we were going to make. Wasn’t that what you wanted? I said one day, didn’t I, that our wishes can be granted and that it’s not always the nice way. Now, go. Be happy.”
And he closed his eyes. Maybe to a dream where we’re both walking in the city park on an endless Sunday and eating a delicious cake. Or maybe he went into a darkness even greater than the one I had inside me before I met him. But I didn’t want to think about that.
If we were in a movie, this is the time it starts to rain and play a very sad song. Blood dripped more and more. I can’t imagine the pain he was feeling. But even so, he smiled to the last moment. One day he told me “even if there is night in the heart, it’s worth smiling, so there are stars in the darkness.” A quote he read while surfing the internet. I always thought about that when I was sad. But at that moment, crying was inevitable. I had that torrent of feelings tearing inside, destroying me mercilessly. A pain that seemed to transcend the body. But as I stretched my arms out to him, I could only see my fingers squeezing him against me. The infinite I was feeling didn’t leave my skin. It was stuck inside my head, and it made my eyes burn hard. That was when I realized how miserable I was. That although entire worlds lived inside me, on the outside I was someone who can only extend to the tip of his fingers. That despite the impetuous force inside me, I had to learn that one of the meanings of life is to say goodbye to those you love. That despite these feelings being catastrophic bombs that explode my lungs and my throat, I couldn’t do anything. I was miserable.
I held him very tightly in my arms, as if trying to rescue that little bit of non-existent life. But it’s no use trying to quench your thirst with an empty glass. And though I knew that, I couldn’t just let him go, despite his eyes were already closed. And the salty tears mingled more and more with the carmine, now a large pool beneath our bodies. That was the greatest test. In the ultimate disaster, a single instrument, a single note. Who doesn’t love, doesn’t die. Who loves, dies.
