Why Do We Treat Our Loved Ones Worse Than Our Houseguests?
(Hint: It’s not only because we can.)
In a response to my Letter and Envelope story, Master Yoda raised a variation of this question, positing that we should treat our partners as equals rather than as children or property. (Seems reasonable?) John Gottman, the renowned relationship researcher, makes the houseguest comparison. He points out that we would never scold a guest for leaving a personal item such as an umbrella behind, but we don’t hesitate to snap at our partners for the same kinds of mistakes. And partners in therapy often complain that their friends and coworkers treat them better than their significant others.
How to explain this curious reversal?
The most common explanation that I hear from couples is that it’s “safe” to take out our anger on loved ones because we know they won’t leave us. This phenomenon is frequently observed by parents of young children. Toddlers or younger kids may hold in their frustrations at school or other more public places in order to conform to social expectations in those settings, but then loosen their controls at home where they know their parents will be more accepting (assuming that’s the case!). While there may be some truth to this in the case of significant others, it’s probably a more fitting interpretation for…
