Why You Should Stop Saying “You Should Already Know” to Your Partner
Words that are bound to start a fight every single time.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we didn’t have to tell our partner what we wanted? That instead of explaining the what’s, when’s, and where’s of our desires, they could just read our mind instead?
Well yeah, actually, that’d be great. But is it realistic?
It took a year of fighting tooth and nail with my husband to realize that the phrase, “You should already know,” were fighting words. That by simply uttering them to my husband, I was unknowingly setting my husband up for failure. And no one likes to fail. Just like clock work, every conversation between us that started with those words no doubt turned into an argument, and later, a full blown fight. A fight that in the past, I would’ve never backed down from of course, because to me, he should’ve already known.
“You should already know” is equivalent to saying “read my mind”.
No one is a mind reader. We can drop as many hints as we want, let’s say for example, about the spa day you’re hoping to get for your birthday or the diamond earrings you’ve had your eye on for months. But let’s be honest — sometimes people just don’t get it and/or just don’t remember. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for one year or one decade — sometimes people don’t have a clue.
And it’s not necessarily because they’re not trying. Some people just aren’t wired that way. For instance, I’ll remember something my husband was eyeing at the store one day that he’ll say he needs and make note of it. However, I can tell you with absolutely certainty that my husband is not the same. We are complete opposites. He doesn’t catch onto clues or subtle hints. He doesn’t even remember what I tell him five minutes ago.
Don’t be afraid to be straight up.
Sometimes it just takes being 100% straight up with your partner and telling them like it is. I learned this the hard way. However, before you tell yourself things like, we’ll we’ve been together for so long, he should already know what goes on inside my head. Let me ask you this: do you even know what goes on inside your head?
Last year on Mother’s Day, I had expected my husband to go all out. After all, it was my very first Mother’s Day with our infant and I wanted it to be special. Weeks before, he had asked me what I wanted and I simply told him, “You should already know.” In my mind, I wanted him to do his own research and learn about how to pamper me on my special day. I imagined he would start the day with serving me breakfast in bed, surprising me with a pretty floral arrangement like he had every year prior, yummy take out for lunch, and a delicious homemade steak for dinner, with dessert to boot.
When the day finally came, he surprised me with matching T-shirts for me and my infant son that had the phrases “World’s Best Mom” and “I Love my Mommy,” respectively. Don’t get me wrong. I loved the gift, but when I discovered that was all he had planned, to say that I was livid would be an understatement.
“That’s all you had planned? Where’s my breakfast in bed? You should already know that I wanted more than this. After all we’ve been through, this is how you treat me on my first Mother’s Day?”
After all my screaming and theatrics, he apologized, yet dared to counter me with, “You didn’t tell me!” to which I angrily replied, “You should already know!”
Then he proceeded to utter the words that made me step back and realize he had a point, “I’m not a mind reader, babe. You can’t expect me to know what you’re thinking.”
Now, I’m hardly ever wrong, but when I am, I’m not afraid to admit it, and frankly, he had a good point. But given that it was Mother’s Day, admitting fault was not an option for me, and I knew I had to get the last word in. Despite my better judgment, I looked him dead in the eye and roared with all my might, “Why not?!”
My first Mother’s Day was ruined and it was all because my husband couldn’t read my mind and figure out what I wanted. Sounds ridiculous, right? I can’t believe I had even expected such a thing of him. Granted, my husband could have tried harder (you know, like those guys who end up on the news for extravagant displays of affection for their significant others), but that’s a story for a different time. I love my husband for who he is, and I’ve come to accept that our expectations for going “all out” and showing how much we love each other are completely different. I can’t even read his mind, so why should I expect him to be able to read mine?
Throw it out of your vocabulary.
This year on Mother’s Day, I was determined to not have history repeat itself. When my husband asked what I wanted, this time I laid it out bare. I told him what meals I wanted, what I wanted to do, what I didn’t want to do, and what I wanted as a gift. And you know what? The day turned out perfect. It went off without a hitch. It was so wonderful in fact that it made up for the crappy time I had last year. And all it took was me being completely honest and realistic with my husband and not asking him to read my mind.
So take it from me. If you want to fight significantly less with your partner and decrease the number of times you’re disappointed that they couldn’t look into your mind and summon up your deepest desires, then please throw out the phrase, “You should already know,” from your vocabulary.
You’ll live a lot more peacefully that way.
