Why Your Wedding May Succeed, But Your Marriage May Fail
Announcements of engagements and weddings are wonderful moments in time. It’s an exciting season, full of joy and anticipation of what lies ahead, yet sometimes the anticipation for the wedding day blocks our vision for what lies ahead.
In life, we are required to plan and prepare for all sorts of things. Before I was ever left alone in a classroom to teach, I had to complete four years of university and hours upon hours of professional practice. We never allow young people to get behind the wheel of a car without undergoing lessons followed by rigorous testing. You could never imagine a professional athlete being successful without receiving the appropriate coaching and training well. Yet, when it comes to a lifelong commitment to live alongside another individual, we waltz on through like it’s going to be a breeze.
Whenever a couple announces their engagement, it doesn’t take long until the conversation is steered towards the details of the wedding. Couples spend months, even years, planning the wedding of their dreams. Hours are poured into every little detail from the font used on the invite to who Uncle Tony should be sitting next to at the reception. No stone is left unturned as we endeavour to host the best damn wedding that represents us as a couple.
Yet the wedding only marks the beginning of a hopefully lifelong adventure with another human being. This isn’t an easy task. It requires hard work, preparation and planning, just like any other challenge you undertake in your life. This is why most weddings are amazing but many marriages fail — we misdirect our preparation.
Here are three reasons why your wedding may succeed, but your marriage may fail.
You’re having too many conversations about canapes and not enough about your expectations for your marriage.
Yes, I know, food is very important, but here’s the truth — picking the best combination of canapes to kick-off your wedding reception will have no impact on your marriage at all. I know that the tension can build between a couple who is divided by the fried chicken or the smoked salmon, but it’s not going to derail your marriage.
Couples spend hours agonising over all these details in the lead up of their wedding, but this shouldn’t be the things you agonise over. You should be discussing the expectations you have for your marriage. Both of you will be coming from a unique set of experiences of what it means to be married, therefore bringing in individual expectations for your marriage.
My suggestion is to set aside some time to discuss these expectations and get them out on the table for discussion. You might find that you both have similar expectations and that’s great, but you might find that you’re divided over a few things. It’s better to learn that before you get married rather than finding out on the run.
Here are some topics to get the ball rolling for you:
- Decision-making: How did your parents make decisions? Who made the final call for purchases, job decisions or holiday plans? Who is responsible for these things in your marriage?
- Conflict: How do you deal with conflict? How do you expect to deal with it? Do you prefer to avoid it to keep the peace? Or let it all out until it has been resolved?
- Finances: How do you spend your money? What do you spend it on? How will this work with shared finances? Will you even share finances?
- Household Duties: How did your parents split household duties? Who was responsible for what? How do you plan on dividing the responsibilities?
There are plenty more topics to discuss and if you follow the next piece of advice, you’ll certainly get into those depths.
You’re spending too much time with a wedding planner and not enough time in pre-marriage counselling.
When people get married, the first ‘outsider’ they often enlist to support is a wedding planner — someone who knows the best venues, great wedding bands and the perfect florist. Couples spend hours, and a bit of cash, with this wedding planner and that’s fine. But there’s another support person you should enlist in your preparations and that’s someone who can take you through some pre-marriage counselling.
We all come into a marriage as individuals with strengths, weaknesses and even a little bit of baggage. Sitting down with a trained person to put these all on the table and discuss them as a couple can be extremely fruitful. My wife and I were able to do this with our celebrant and his wife. It was fruitful to be able to do it with a couple who had been married for years and had the experience to speak from.
You can seek out pre-marriage counselling from a range of sources, whether it’s your celebrant, a counsellor or a local spiritual leader. Even if you only spend a few sessions in it, you’ll reap the benefits in your marriages.
Counselling can sound full-on and intimidating, but for us, it wasn’t. What it looked like for us was this. We started by completing a short survey individually, then the results were sent to our celebrant. The survey is used to identify areas of differences or potential challenges for your upcoming marriage. They then used these as topics for the sessions, we covered topics like communication, child-raising and conflict-management.
I highly recommend you seek out this kind of support for your marriage. Build the strongest network possible around you and your future spouse.
You have a vision for your wedding, but not your marriage.
You know exactly the vibe your after for your wedding. Whether you’ve opted for a high-budget extravaganza or you’re keeping it simple with plenty of DIY elements, you know what you want it to look like. You’ve pictured that first dance — the song that’s playing, the person playing it and the faces in the room watching you. But what does your marriage look like?
Research any successful business, project, event — anything really — and you’ll find somewhere written down is a vision statement and a set of values. Having a vision statement and an agreed set of values helps people remain focused on what they’ve set out to achieve. They help better decisions be made and help to maintain a healthy culture. Why should our marriages be any different?
Take a break from dreaming up your perfect wedding and starting dreaming big for your marriage. Some of the things you should consider are:
- What do we value as a couple? What are our priorities?
- What do we want to be known for? What words do we want people to use to describe us?
- How do we want to use our home? Is it our private sanctuary? Or is it our vehicle for hospitality?
Write down the things you value and what you want your marriage to look like. That way you can keep coming back to it over the years to review, assess and address anything that needs to be changed.
Plan a good wedding and prepare for a great marriage.
There’s nothing wrong with investing time into your wedding. It’s one of the best events you’ll ever have — how often do you get all your friends and family together to celebrate you and your best friend? But don’t let it be ‘the best day of your life’ as so many people often say. You have a whole marriage ahead of you to have even better days together!
Do you and your partner a favour and invest time in your marriage, before you’re even married. Have the hard conversations, enlist the right support and dream big. The wedding day is only the beginning — prepare for bigger and better things in your marriage.
