Women. You Need to Pay on Your Dates.
Ok. Writing about gender roles is taking a tread through deep and murky waters, but I’m actually a sea creature myself — been called a starfish on more than one occasion! So I’m fit to take the plunge and sink to the bottom of this topic.
It’s 2017 and Silicon Valley is blowing up over accusations of systemic sexism and misogyny, the GOP is trying to legislate women out of existence, and still, I don’t have a boyfriend. Being a lady has never been harder, except for most years in the past.
There is one thing, though, I see women doing — particularly, urban, college-educated, professional women, that drives me absolutely bonkers, and I don’t see very many women calling it out.
Allowing, or worse, expecting, men to pay on dates.
In 2017!
That needs to stop.
“But This is Different From Other Gender Goals For Some Reason”
If you have a college degree and a salaried job, buck the fuck up and split the check, or hell, offer to pay yourself. When I read stories about “the reach,” where a woman half-heartedly futzes around for her wallet while sheepishly avoiding eye contact but maintaining hyper-awareness of her date’s slightest move to make sure he is going to wave her away and pay, I want to laser beam this person with my rolling eyes. Even though that might backfire on me.
Advocates for gender equality lose credibility when we criticize gender discrimination in one environment, then selectively protect situations where being a woman is convenient in another. While I realize that many people enjoy certain traditional elements of dating, and prefer to perpetuate the “man courts woman with his moneys” routine, that arrangement needs to be mutually accepted or else reconsidered. Otherwise, if you want to be perceived as an independent person and woman, then you need to act like one.
I mean, if the guy is literally the heir of a Rockefeller and shows up in a top hat and monocle and says things like “But why can’t your maid just live in the stables?” then, maybe, it is acceptable to allow him to pay the bill, if he really insists. But at least insist on getting drinks at the next stop — it’s the principle of it. Also, don’t date that guy.
Otherwise, say you are both around age, and both making comfortable salaries, why on earth would the guy be expected to cover the bill?
My First Bumble Date
I went on a date this week — my first ever Bumble date, I did it, yay — and the guy suggested a fairly expensive restaurant for our first date. Personally, I think dinner on a first date is a bit much, and prefer to do something more low key like coffee or drinks where I am not committing lots of time and dollars to a stranger. At the same time, I had not been on a fancy restaurant date in a long time and decided I was willing to pay for my portion of the meal and drinks.
My date grabbed the bill as soon as it was placed, but I was already in credit-card frisbee position, ready to huck it at him like a ninja.
“Here, let’s split it,” I said, thrusting my card at him.
“No, I got it, I got it,” he insisted.
“No, really, let’s split it. Please.”
“Let me get it, I got it,” he repeated.
My guess is that the bill was around $100. This was one of those farm-to-table ecosystem type restaurants where they had dishes prefaced by the word “Aquaponics,” fine print detailing a “cattle ranching surcharge,” and the waiters were actually windmills.
Truly, I only made up the last one.
So it was expensive. And for my part, I genuinely tried to pay, had every intention to pay, and ordered according to my willingness-to-pay.
Then came the awkward part — I didn’t want to go on a second date with this guy. He was nice, and I had a good time, but I wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with him. And he had just spent $100 on me (or half that, I suppose).
Yeah, see how the power dynamics shift here?
It was his decision and insistence to pay, and that’s on him, but I would have felt a lot better about declining future involvement if the date had been a mutually shared cost. You know, because, equality.
“But Data Shows…”
I’m not discussing pay statistics here because there is so much disagreement about “the gender wage gap” I would be screwed no matter which position I took. But national wage differences aside, what actually matters is the relative position of the two parties involved in the date.
Similar incomes, lifestyles, etc.? Sounds like you should pay the same!
Oh, but you think splitting a check is “tacky” or “embarrassing?” You think the waiter gives a fuck? You think Susan B. Anthony gives a fuck? It’s 2017, everyone is broke, get over it.
In Conclusion
To be clear, I am mainly talking about first dates, or still-testing-the-waters stage. If you are already in a relationship with someone or have been dating awhile, and have your system worked out, it’s likely you’ve already discussed this dynamic and both sides are comfortable with it (I hope). Then I would say taking turns paying, or “you invite, you pay” makes sense. But I think when both people are taking a gamble, they should both bear the cost.
Women are legitimately tired of being considered “passive objects” to be gazed upon, or not respected for their actions and achievements and whole selves. But when it comes to dating, why is it that the transactional nature of the affair is still accepted — and encouraged — by so many? It’s hypocritical, cognitively dissonant, and it is not helping us progress as independent actors in our lives.
Lastly, please sign up for my new dating app, “Starfish,” which randomly removes an existing match for every conversation you don’t initiate.
