You Choose Who Gets Your Energy
The decision is always yours, even if it doesn’t feel that way.
Sometimes we believe that certain people in our lives have more power over us than they do.
I’ve struggled with when it’s okay to ask for what I need versus respecting others’ boundaries throughout my life. As a person whose anxiety makes itself an intimate part of connections, I fear asking for what I need will burden my loved ones’ hectic lives. At times I became brave enough to be vulnerable and put myself out there, only to become devastated when others either didn’t respond or didn’t come through. When it happened repeatedly, I would struggle with feeling betrayed and wounded, wondering why I wasn’t worth their time or energy. I would agonize over their responses (or lack thereof) and allow myself to become consumed with needing clarity or closure from them.
When you spend so much time thinking of someone, it’s easy to feel you have a stronger connection than you do- even if you’re spending most of that time wondering why you’re not enough for them.
You can blame a person for not meeting your needs, but the truth is that we tend to give up large parts of ourselves to people who simply don’t want them. We become consumed with people who don’t match our level of effort, whether because they have no desire to, they can’t give what we’re asking, or because what we are desiring is unreasonable.
It took me a long time to figure it out, but I’ve realized now that we choose who gets our energy. We make the decision of who gets the best of us, even if it can feel out of our control.
People can decide to not be there for you. They can determine what they need is space and distance and an understanding that they can’t be depended on. You can also decide you need more from a relationship than what they offer. You can’t change them. You can ask for what you need, but if they can’t fulfill them, then you have to grapple with the reality that you choose where your energy goes.
You decide whether you will always be on stand-by for a person who is notoriously unavailable when you need them.
You decide whether you will always open up the vulnerable part of yourself to a person who does not value it or want it.
You decide whether you focus all your attention and thoughts on a person who has shown no inclination they will do the same for you.
None of us have a right to change a person to fit what we think they should. We are allowed to ask for things: we can say, “I need to know I can usually depend on you when I’m in a rough spot.” and wait to see how that person responds. We can request someone to talk to us more, spend more time with us, and be more honest with us. They have to figure out whether that’s something they want or can do.
If they can’t, then the energy we spend on them afterward lands solely on our shoulders. If they have told us they can’t meet our needs or promise they will but continuously don’t, then the only person we can blame is ourselves. We may want this particular person, but we have to accept the reality that they aren’t able to show up for us.
It doesn’t make them a terrible person; it just means who they choose to be isn’t going to be what you’re hoping for. They determine the energy they push towards you, and you do the same to them. We are all humans with complex problems, histories, and struggles to work through daily. We often try to demonize the other person because it’s easier. Yet we refuse to admit that we are the ones who keep setting ourselves up for the hurt and disappointment we’ve sworn was solely in their hands.
This doesn’t mean to throw away a connection if a person is genuinely trying and makes mistakes along the way. Even those with the best of intentions are going to let you down. However, you can usually sense whenever a person is giving it their best effort and when they don’t make any effort at all. Sometimes people are doing the best they can and need support, and you make the choices on when that’s called for. We will all go out of our way to some extent for people we care about.
At the end of the day, only you decide who gets your energy. You can choose to invest it in those who won’t ever reciprocate, or you can choose to turn that attention elsewhere.
You can decide to open yourself up to those who not only want to hear it, but will handle it with care.
You can decide to invest in those who will be present for you when they’re able to, and prove that again and again.
You can decide to focus on the ones you can depend on when you’re having a difficult time because they want to help you through it.
You can take your time, attention, and admiration and point them towards those who put in the effort to know and love you — because they see all of you and want you in their life regardless. They are the people who get you in ways that others don’t, and the ones who don’t view you as a burden but as a beautiful and important part of their lives.
When you start choosing to give yourself to those who accept it and want to return that love back to you, you’ll be surprised at how different love and affection can feel when you don’t have to beg for it.
When you look back, you’ll wonder why you waited so long to do it.
