You Deserve More Than Someone Who Tries To Change You
It seems so simple, doesn’t it?
We all want to be loved for who we are. We strive to find someone who will look at us, flaws and all, and still choose to be with us. We want someone to learn about us, understand our history, and know about everything we went through to become who we are. Even if we are still wrestling with loving ourselves fully, we want someone to look at us and believe we are more than enough.
On the way there, though, we make compromises. We try to play it cool even if we are exploding with excitement on how someone makes us feel. We pretend things don’t bother us, even if they do, because we know not everyone is perfect. We start hiding pieces of ourselves to ensure that the other person doesn’t change their mind about us. We go from wanting to be loved for who we are, to simply wanting to be loved- whatever the sacrifices.
I know how that feels, because I did that. More than once. I would fall so deeply in love with someone, and could already see our whole future laid out before us. I would feel the spark, and just know that they had to be in my life. The same issue seemed to arise in every circumstance — that they liked me, but not quite enough. Something about me just wasn’t quite enough.
I’m a problem solver, and I think on my feet for the smoothest possible solution. In my mind, I was the issue, so if I could fix myself, I could make things work. So that’s exactly what I did.
Where I once was too open about my feelings, I kept them private. When something bothered me about the person, I ignored it because I refused to be seen as disagreeable. If they ever mentioned something to me about talking too much, about being too clingy, about being more organized, I immediately did a 180 and changed those aspects of myself.
I would say it was for the best, that they were simply looking out for and wanted me to be better. Yet the reality is that I wasn’t changing those aspects to improve myself personally. I did it because the common message was “You’re great, if you can just tweak these things. Then you’ll be perfect.”
Of course, our decisions are ours to make. Sometimes we make the choices we do because we are afraid the other person won’t accept us, so we don’t give them a chance in the first place. Or there is a miscommunication that leads to our belief that we have to be someone we’re not to keep the relationship alive.
I didn’t want to admit that I was making the decisions I was making in order to please someone else. I hated the idea that I was trying to fit into the mold of someone else’s perfect person, when I personally loved who I was- flaws and all. Yet I also couldn’t stand the idea of watching someone walk away who I cared for so much, especially if I could do something about it. I refused to communicate how I felt because I didn’t want to risk them walking away by asking them to accept me as I was.
Despite what I was telling myself, I knew ultimately I had to face the fact that this person I was so in love with, who I thought the world of, just wasn’t comfortable with who I was. They viewed me as someone to mold, not someone to admire. It can be hard to admit to ourselves when this is happening because we think the world of this person. We wouldn’t be with them if we didn’t.
It’s one thing for a person to talk to you about bad habits in your relationship or something they dislike. It’s okay for someone to have desires and ideas of what they want in a partner and a relationship. It’s necessary for two people to talk about these things. If there truly is a problem between the two of you, then, of course, you want someone to discuss it with you.
Yet when someone starts projecting what they want onto you, with the implication that you have to fulfill the gaps to make things work? You need to walk away.
Because when someone starts pushing you to become someone different, they are reinforcing the idea that who you are isn’t enough to be loved. That the person you are may be good, but not good enough. That their love is worth so much that you should gladly want to switch things around to keep it in your life.
It took me so long to accept this and wholeheartedly believe it. Yet once I finally started communicating with the people I loved that I am a flawed but still incredible person, and that I wanted to be loved for that, things became much smoother. People show their true faces whenever you give them no other choice. The ones who couldn’t accept me, walked away. It hurt at the time, but when I looked back all I could feel was thankful. Because it left so much space for me to grow, to fully become the person I wanted to be whenever I wasn’t being held back by someone’s idea of who I should be.
So I’m telling you right now, that you deserve so much more than someone who tries to change you.
You need to remember how much your love is worth, too. That you are a remarkable person who has worked hard to become the person you are today. Are there things you can improve on? Yes, because we all do. Yet the change needs to be because you believe it’s better for you, not because you’re trying to convince someone you’re worth it.
Change doesn’t come from another person putting pressure on you or manipulating you- it comes from your own personal want to be different. If you choose to change something about yourself because you think it’s best, then that’s great! Yet if the person you’re dating isn’t satisfied with who you are as a person, you need to know you deserve more.
The way you look, the interests you have, the friendships you keep, the way you respond to the world around you, the dreams you hold- so many aspects go into the person you are. If someone is looking at you and only sees problems to fix, rather than a person to love, it says everything you need to know. When someone loves you, their hope shouldn’t be to strip away the quirks, ideas, and thoughts that are uniquely you to make you someone better suited for them. Love doesn’t sit around and dissect someone like a project to improve. Love looks at someone and says, “I’m absolutely crazy about them.”
It’s hard to always know when someone is trying to change you and when they are trying to help you in their own way. You need to ask yourself, “Will this actually make me a better person or just a better person to them?” The answers might actually surprise you.
No, they don’t have to love all the same things you do. No, they don’t have to do everything exactly the way that you would. They do need to understand what matters to you, and they do need to commit to figuring out what works best for both of you.
Because someone who criticizes you for talking too loudly or having an uninteresting hobby, or who makes insensitive remarks about the way you look is only interested in making you a more palatable version of a person they want to be with. Love isn’t about fitting into a mold to make life easier for someone else- it’s about coming together and learning how to navigate life, no matter what might happen.
The truth is, you deserve someone who wakes up in the morning and is excited to spend another day with you. Someone who doesn’t look at your imperfections as something to fix, but instead as something to embrace, because they know they aren’t perfect. They don’t look at the things you love as useless or annoying, but as things that matter to you. They respect you and your decisions because they believe in you.
You deserve someone who works with you, not someone who bulldozes over your ideas and decides they know what’s best. Someone who listens to you and understands you, not someone who tries to convince you that who you are isn’t quite enough.
Because the people who truly love you aren’t trying to change you to fit their idea of happiness. They love you regardless of what’s going on because you’re the first person they want to celebrate with, run to, or vent to. They believe that their life is better with you in it. They understand that love requires sacrifice on both sides, not just yours.
You deserve someone who looks at you and sees so much possibility, not constant roadblocks. Someone who looks forward to building a life and creating memories with you. Someone who supports you when you’re trying, and who encourages you when you’re struggling.
You deserve someone who loves you, for you, period.
