“You Don’t Have to Get Me Anything” and other lies I tell my husband
It is my 37th birthday. It is the 37th time I will have a cake and blow out my candles. It is the 37th time I will be the center of attention and the target of affection for doing nothing other than being born. It is the 37th time I will wake up a little extra giddy in anticipation of all the extra love and perks. And it is the 37 thousandth time I will tell my husband that he doesn’t need to get me any thing because I have everything I could ever want…and be 100 percent lying.
I say that because, in theory, it’s true. I say that because it’s a nice thing to say and I want to be a nice person who says such nice things. I say it because at certain points of the year I probably even mean it. But darling husband, let me assure you, on this particular day, I don’t mean it at all. Read between the lines (the lines being streaks of mascara streaming down my angry red face if you show up empty-handed). I want a present. I expect a present. And birthday shit will hit the birthday fan if you turn up without one.
I am sure this can be confusing. We are both intelligent grown-ups, both professionals who know the value of direct talk and making one’s expectations known. And yet, I still feed you this load of birthday selflessness crap. So allow me, my love, to share with you now all of those things that I say but do not mean. Because I love you and I don’t want to have to hurt you.
“If something happens to me, I want you to find love again.”
I know this is a bit macabre. I feel badly even bringing it up. But in the interest of honesty, which it seems is something we have decided to value in our relationship, I feel compelled to tell you that I do not want you to move on after me. I do not want you to re-marry. I may be okay with an occasional date so as to give you a forum to tell other women who are interested in snagging the hot widower all about your wife who was so top-notch that her demise really could only mean you’d have to quit at happiness all together, but that is really the extent of love that I am comfortable with you experiencing post-me. You may however join an all-male bowling league in order to get out of the house and socialize. I am not, after all, a monster.
“I don’t get jealous — I trust you completely.”
I am very secure in our relationship. I am 100 percent sure that this is it for the both of us ’til death do us part (but not even really then because see above. You, my captain, go down with this ship.) With that said, bitches be hungry and I do get jealous every now and again when there is an appealing sort of lady thrown in your path. I don’t believe you’ll cheat on me. I don’t believe you will leave me for another woman, even your penultimate Mandy Moore. But know that the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head from time to time and should Ms. Moore ever try to lure you away with her “Candy”, there will be words. Like, strongly-worded-letter kinda words and they’ll be headed in your direction.
“I won’t get mad at you as long as you are honest with me.”
I think it’s fair to say that if nothing else comes of this conversation, we at least both walk away understanding that honesty exists on a sliding scale and sometimes, most times, you need to stay away from those edges or risk falling to your death. Don’t be a liar. Nobody wants that. But also, don’t be that guy that feels the need to share every.little.detail for the sake of honesty only. You don’t love the meatloaf I made for dinner? Lie. You’re not a big fan of the new mom friend I’ve finally made that makes t-ball practice bearable? Lie. You do, in fact, notice the extra 5 lbs I’ve found over my birthday week and do not actually believe it just means more to love? LIE. Let’s be honest with one another. But let’s also not be morons.
“Whatever you want!”
This one’s a favorite because it’s just so versatile. This could be the response to, “What do you want to do for dinner?” Or maybe it’s, “Where should we go for our anniversary?” I have even used this phrase when you’ve wanted to know what I thought about the next type of car we should lease. “Whatever you want.” And depending on the circumstance, I could mean, “I am too tired to have an opinion,” or “No, I did not cook dinner and yes, we will be ordering…again,” or, “I have a feeling you have an agenda at play here and I would like to hear what that is.” Regardless though, the rest of that sentence, the second part that is floating in my head is, “So just imagine that you are me and decide what it is that I most want.” Because in as many scenarios as I use the phrase, “Whatever you want,” I am hard-pressed to find the one where I mean, “I would like to just indulge your whim, darling, so go for it!” Now if what you want is within my same realm, think middle area of Venn diagram, well, then yes! I absolutely mean we should do whatever you want. But if whatever you want has something to do with an expensive sports car that doesn’t fit booster seats, getting our kids hopped up on ice cream and oreos and calling it dinner, or something involving scantily clad women, just trust that I don’t want you to do whatever you want. I want you to do whatever you think I want you to want.
See, dear husband, it is as much the lies we tell as the truths we share that make us a solid couple, a working partnership. It is having the consideration to know when to gloss the details as much as it is knowing when to openly communicate the major issues. Is it work to decipher the code? Sure. Does this make me high-maintenance or what 80’s hairdye commercials would call “worth it”? Possibly. And I will happily reciprocate when you tell me that all of the kids have brushed their teeth but we both know that those stinky little monsters’ enamel is decaying as we speak. But in the end, the happy life we create around this dialect of tiny untruths works.
Now let’s close this out, because did I mention it’s my birthday? Not that you need to get me anything…
