Your playbook to date and conquer.
Get your game face on. The busiest day of the year for online dating is today.
It’s that time of the year. New year resolutions, though fragile, are fresh. And at the top of the list is the mission to find a +1 who will make the next round of holidays slightly less miserable. The busiest day of the year for online dating is today. You’ll need more than photo filters to persevere. To survive the dating games, you’ll need rock solid dating advice. Here’s the playbook to master the game.
Tactic #1: Pick your battle field.
This should be obvious, but I’m persistently baffled by the masses of lovelorn seeking their soulmate on Tinder. No matter how tight your game, you can’t win on the wrong board.
Here’s the quickie guide to dating apps:
- Prefer to treat dating as a numbers game? Tinder.
- Tired of swiping and want to feel the slow burn? Try my new dating app, Happy Endings.
- Covet long-term vanilla and prefer to get right down to business? eHarmony.
- Want your own Virginia and Vita? Her.
- Want your own Anderson and Benjamin? Surge.
- Find romance in missed connections? Check out Happn.
- Are you a chick looking for well-heeled boys? Bumble it is.
- Do you prefer your love with a side of kinky? Kinkoo.
- Don’t know what the hell you want? OkCupid.
Tactic #2: Pick your bait.
Yes. The bait is the photo. But without the switch. Here’s your cheat sheet for the perfect profile photo.
Special note: If all you have are selfies, sit this day out. If all you have are feline selfies, sit this year out.
In it for the hookup?
MEN
Don’t even think about the dick pic. Just don’t do it. Even if you’ll never amount to more than a half-night stand, straight women and gay men will want to see who they’ll be fake smiling as you walk out their door. By all means, give a taste. But don’t be a cliche. Anticipation is your secret weapon. And it can’t be wielded with a bromide.
WOMEN
Showcase your secret weapon. That would be your tits. Or your hourglass. Or your ass. But keep the goodies covered… Barely. Make them work to imagine what’s underneath. But not too much.
For the love of Buddha, whatever you do, don’t post a close up of your face. Boys and girls are oddly attracted to all sorts of bodies. But with the close crop, they’ll assume you’re camouflaging the opposite of what they crave.
In it for the love story?
MEN
Don’t even think about a dick pic. Just don’t do it.
Bonus points if you can make yourself look tall and rich.
WOMEN
Show your secret weapon. But be more subtle. Class up that ass shot.
Bonus points if you can make yourself look young and thick.
(Yes. Both sexes are superficial AF.)
Here’s your photo tool kit:
- Need help to pick the best photo? Dating Photo Analyzer
- Need help to remove that ex? Remove.bg
- Need an instant makeover? Lensa
And the billion dollar question? How much retouching is too much? Just enough to get the date. Not so much that they’re pissed when you arrive.
Tactic #3: Write Your Propaganda
Men need visuals. Woman need it all. Fellas? That makes your job much harder. If you want this… you gotta write for it.
In it for the hookup?
MEN
Here are your rules of engagement:
1. Don’t splay it. Play with it.
Bad example: I’m into MILFs.
Good example: I can’t wait to get you alone when your kids are at school.
2. Save it for the hookup.
We get it. You’re keen, borderline desperate. But whatever you do, don’t give away the ending. Bring it to a simmer and end with a cliffhanger.
Bad example:
They ask, “what are you going to do with me…?”
You respond, “I can’t wait to cum all over your ass.”
Good example:
They ask, “what are you going to do with me…?”
You respond, “That ass of yours has inspired plenty of ideas. All of them start with a ride in a crowded subway.”
3. Don’t state the obvious. Being horny is a given.
Bad example: I’m horny.
Good example: [Just stop typing.]
WOMEN
Here is your rule of engagement:
Don’t even bother with text. Just add more photos.
In it for the love story?
MEN
Here are your rules of engagement:
1. That long list of “do nots” you hold sacred? Do not do it. Turn those lemons into lemonade.
Examples:
No: “I don’t want drama.”
Yes: “I adore a woman who can keep her cool.”
No: “If you have kids, don’t apply.”
Yes: “I savor the freedom of not having any kids.”
No: “I don’t do vegan.”
Yes: “Nothing compares to a whiff of crisp bacon and fresh coffee in the morning.”
*Note the single use of “woman” versus “women”. Trust me. It makes a difference.
2. You’re being judged. Every picture. Every word.
Sorry, fellas. I don’t know what to tell you other than ProWritingAid is your best friend.
3. Spare a few sentences about a hypothetical future with your special whip in it.
Trust me. This shit is catnip.
Example:
I’m searching for my +1. Someone who wouldn’t mind an impromptu jaunt to Costa Rica, our days a random playlist of cycling, scuba diving and beach picnics.
Warning:
Don’t mention marriage or kids unless you’re a master wordsmith. Otherwise, stick to vacations, an active Saturday or a lazy Sunday.
WOMAN
Unless you’re queer, don’t worry about the bio. Men won’t bother. (But for optics, have two to three filler sentences of anything that doesn’t include kids, marriage or cats.)
We can’t change that photos are visual magnets for men. So don’t waste your time writing essays. Instead, focus on writing succinct, clever photo captions that will help him savor the eye candy even more. Bonus points if you can spoon-feed him an opening line.
Example: I had a love/hate relationship with my pack. Can you guess where I’m hiking?
Queer or bi? Give that future hypothetical a go.
Tactic #4: Execute in the field
Rules of Engagement
1. Send the first message. (Or with Happy Endings, a submission.) Man, woman. Non-binary, fluid. It don’t matter. If your target finds you attractive, the gesture will be appreciated.
2. Never send a second message, if they haven’t responded to the first. Unless you’ve added significantly more photo effects, a second message won’t make a lick of difference.
3. Two sentences + one question relevant to your target. The question shouldn’t have anything to do with how they look in the photo. But rather, on what they’re doing in the photo.
Final Battle Cry
Get to work. Dust off your digital photo feed. Stretch your fingers. And dig deep for an inspired profile. You’ve only 24 hours to find the “one” or the “one for tonight” before the holidays are forgotten and the resolutions disintegrate. But if you’re lucky, 24 hours is all you need. Go forth. Date and conquer.
Until the next chapter,
Harlem
—
Behind the Smoke and Ceiling Mirrors
I’m Harlem. Fully stacked, I’ve built a cheeky, new dating app called Happy Endings. Chemistry can’t be swiped, but it can be written.
Originally published at happyendin.gs on January 6, 2019.
