Your Soul Mate Might Not Be Who You Think They Are
A lover of love and intimate relationships, I am one of the many who has fallen hopefully for the idea of there being a one-true-love for each of us. My first romantic love swooped me off my feet at the age of 15, a fall that had me relentlessly convinced we were meant-to-be for the long haul. The relationship was built on thin ice, quickly becoming too fragile and breaking just a few short months later. Though the relationship had crumbled, the beliefs I held about love harboured beneath the surface.
On one level, I came to understand quickly that love and relationships are far more complex and fragile than I would have cared to believe. And even though the idea of having a soul mate (in its traditional sense) was laid to rest, something within me continued yearning for ‘the one’.
From princess plot lines to the structure of our societies, the reasons that many of us yearn for a single, unwavering soul mate are many. While we could point our fingers at each of the influences that lead us into false beliefs about love, it might be more helpful to confront our misunderstandings head on — with compassion, patience, and non-judgment.
So, let’s consider for a moment all the things our soul mate is not, before broadening our sense of what such a partner might be:
Your soul mate is not an analgesic.
Soul mates are not pain relievers — they are not here to mend us of our difficult pasts or heal the wounds we have yet to nurture ourselves. While they may provide some type of relief in their love and affection, it is not their job to take our pain away. That is something we ourselves need to sit with and work through.
Your soul mate is not a fantasy.
A soul mate is not someone that lives in our mind. So, our soul mate is not someone of the past and it is not someone of the future. Our soul mate — if we believe in such a notion — is the person (or people) of our present. Flaws and all. While we might fantasize about the ways in which we wish they were different, our soul mate will never be our image of perfection. They come as they are.
Your soul mate is not ‘the answer’.
When life gets hard, cold, and lonely, a soul mate is not the answer. While a partner arriving in the midst of life’s difficulties will undoubtedly bring softness, warmth, and joy, they are not the answer to life’s difficulties because they do not owe it to us to be there. They were not placed on this earth to save us. True ‘answers’ must arise from within for them to hold real weight.
Your soul mate is no guarantee of a conflict-free relationship.
Humans are complex. When we enter into any form of intimate relationship, all sorts of things rise to the surface — things that are not always comfortable to look at. In many cases, those we have the most to learn from will stir plenty of challenging stories, thoughts, and feelings within us.
This is not to overlook real red flags that a relationship is unhealthy; it is simply a reminder that our relationship won’t save us from our own suffering. In many cases, it will illuminate where we might open to growth. When both we and our partner (or our ‘soul mate’) are willing to let hands get dirty, the potential for such growth is extraordinary.
So, if these are all the things our soul mate is not, is it possible still to hold onto some sweet sense of what a soul mate might be? Do soul mates exist at all, and if so, how might we understand them in a way that facilitates our growth and expansion?
The fact of the matter is this: a soul mate is what you make it. It’s a real concept, or it’s not — up to you. As I explained, I’m a lover of love, and so I choose to believe that soul mates are real; however, my understanding of soul mates now looks something like this:
Your soul mate is the person you’re with.
I believe that we are always where we are meant to be — not because of some cosmic magic, but simply because we are where we are. Everything that happens in life leads us to the next stage, and so if our soul happens to be mingling with another soul, it’s likely that there is something unconscious and wonderful stirring.
This doesn’t mean that the person you’re with is your soul mate. It simply means that if you choose to view them as such, well, it’s as simple as that. This also doesn’t mean you stay with your soul mate forever (especially where there is any type of abuse), which leads me to the next point.
Your soul mate might be one or they may be many, shifting over the course of your life.
Our souls are not limited by the egoic confines of our human experience. Instead, our souls intermingle with numerous souls throughout our lives. This doesn’t mean that everyone is your soul mate, but it does mean there could be numerous people who have, at one point or another, danced powerfully with your soul.
It really doesn’t matter how you define this, as it doesn’t make a difference to your lived experience. If you choose to believe that everyone you encounter is your soul mate, that’s wonderful. If you choose to believe that you have one — or zero — soul mates, that’s fine too. Or, you might feel there’s a handful of people that have at some time been worthy of the title. It’s up to you. Bear in mind only that these are simply beliefs that may change overtime; let them come and go as they please.
Your soul mate is your teacher — and you are theirs.
Whether romantic or platonic partner (yes, friends might fill this role, too), our soul mates are here to teach us things we didn’t previously know about ourselves. Soul mates of any form help us to grow and evolve if we are open to personal development; and, we offer the same to them in return if they are open.
If you are with a partner right now, consider this: Of all the people in the world you could have bonded with, this is the one you are playing and exploring with now. If this brings you joy, faith, or curiosity, explore it further with courage, honesty, and compassion. If, on the other hand, your partnership involves abuse of any sort, the teacher is your inner compass trying to guide you safely towards higher ground.
And, if you are on your own, consider if you might be your own soul mate. Can you expand your understanding of this notion to include the union between your soul and your body-mind vehicle? What does your own soul have to teach you? How can you grow alongside what lives within you?
Our soul mate might not be what we think; and at the same time, we are free to think of them as we please. We can choose to believe in them or not; and our belief or disbelief does not change our lived reality.
If we choose to believe in the union of soul mates, we might use these words as an invitation for deeper inquiry into what this notion means to us. Where does this belief hold conditioned ideas about love and where might it hold potential for growth and expansion? Is the notion of a soul mate helpful to us or does it hold us back? As we explore these questions within, we begin to unravel old beliefs that no longer serve us, coming into a new relationship to both life and love.
