You’re Too Young To Get Married
An exploration of the unsolicited feedback you get from strangers when you decide to get married (subjectively) young.
A few months out from my wedding, I visited a house inspection for a rental property. My mum tagged along as my fiance was unavailable. We wandered through the prospective home as I tried to imagine my new life as a married man. As we strolled through, my mum struck up a conversation with the real estate agent, dropping the fact that I was getting married soon.
“What? He’s getting married? You can’t let him get married, he’s far too young,” the agent said with a horrified look on her face, sizing me up and down.
My blood started to boil, who was she to say I can’t get married? As my mum and I walked away from that property, I rehearsed the rant I wish I’d given her in response. Something spicy with a ‘who hurt you’ thrown in to make it personal.
Throughout our engagement, Christine and I encountered some situations like this. It shocked me how quick people I barely knew were to give their thoughts and feelings about my engagement. We both knew that we were quite young compared to the average married couple — I was 22, she was 23 — but it was the way that people expressed these feelings that caught me off guard.
There were three consistent themes whenever someone told us that we were too young to get married. Each of them is significantly flawed. Whilst I wanted to believe each of those people said it from a place of concern, it was hard to take it that way when I considered each of these factors.
The Relationship
Growing up, I was obsessed with The Sims. I remember making these little people and forcing them into doing some pretty outrageous antics. One of the features of the game was that each character had a level of relationship with the other characters, ranging from ‘Enemy’ to ‘Love’. There was this middle ground where the characters had no real relationship and it would be labelled ‘Just Met’ or ‘Acquaintance.’
The people who wanted to tell me I was too young to get married fell into one of these two categories. I had no genuine relationship to them, and yet, they felt it was their place to tell me the hard-hitting truths.
This is what hurt the most. Investing years into a relationship, deeply contemplating the prospect of marriage, speaking to the people that matter and coming up with the decision to propose is no overnight thought. To have people say you shouldn’t do it as though you just ordered something crap off the menu is hurtful.
These people, who may have had good intentions, knew nothing about me, my fiance and our relationship. Whilst initially receiving these words hurt, I was quick to remind myself that they didn’t have sufficient information to have an informed opinion. Any thought that maybe they were right was quickly quashed by the reminder that no one who truly knew us had expressed any concerns at all. The people who mattered supported our decision to get married.
The Delivery
Sure, I was young when I got engaged, but I was still old enough to understand that importance of good delivery of a message. I’d like to think that if I wanted to confront someone about a decision they were about to make, I’d arrange a time to sit down and discuss it in-depth and express my concerns. This is something the people who disagreed with my intentions to get married hadn’t thought through.
When it comes to good delivery, how you say it and where you say it is really important. Each occasion that I was told by a stranger or an acquaintance that I shouldn’t get married came with poor delivery. The real estate agent was one example. She expressed her concerns, standing in a rental inspection with other strangers in earshot, by not even addressing me directly. She spoke to my mum like I wasn’t even in the room, or worse, not capable of deciding for myself.
Another occasion came after I had gone out to lunch with a group of friends. There was a guy in the group who I hadn’t met and as we were leaving lunch, walking back to our cars, we were introduced. A mutual friend introduced me and excitedly announced I was getting married soon. This guy that I had just met busted out laughing and sneered, ‘who do these kids think they are, rushing into marriage like this?’ Mind you, he wouldn’t have been much older than me, nor did he even ask how old I was.
When it comes to telling someone that you don’t think they should get married, pick a setting better than a property inspection or a busy commercial street. When you tell them, address them with respect and come from a place of understanding. Laughing, sneering and making broad-brushed statements do not help.
The Reasoning
Finally, ‘you’re too young’ is not a complete and legitimate explanation as to why you think someone shouldn’t get married (unless of course, it’s a legal thing!) Whenever someone expressed this concern to me, they could never elaborate any further than age being an issue.
For Christine and I, after dating for four years, we decided that we wanted to get married at some stage. We weighed up waiting another 6 or 7 years to get closer to the average age of marriage, but we decided that the time was right. Key people in our lives were so supportive in helping us make this decision, guiding us in thinking about the right things. At no point did someone who we respected tell us that our age was a barrier. They helped up explore the things that mattered.
If you have an issue with someone getting married ‘too young’, I’d suggest you provide sufficient reasoning to support your case. No one was able to do that for us so it was hard to see that their claims held any weight.
The Takeaways
I could understand if someone I trusted and respected sat me down and explained to me that I needed to reconsider the timing of our marriage. I would have heard them out and tried to understand their concerns, but that never happened. The people who were claiming we were too young did not come from the right place, nor did they deliver an appropriate message to us. Instead, their claims were hurtful, unsolicited and uninformed.
I suspect there are two groups of people who are reading this.
To the people who have told someone else that they are too young to get married, it’s okay.
We know it comes from a place of care, but thoroughly consider how you go about saying it. Honestly, I’ve looked at other couples who have got engaged young and thought maybe they are too young, but I hold my tongue. I know how much it hurts and how little information I have to make that judgement.
If you genuinely believe the timing isn’t right for someone in your life that you have the right relationship with, find time to talk through it with them. Your truth-bomb could protect them from a world of hurt. Please, do it from a place of trust and love, otherwise, it will fall on deaf ears.
To the couple that has been told they are too young to get married, trust your judgement and seek advice from those you trust.
I know it hurts when someone attacks a decision you’ve thought deeply about. Consider where that claim is coming from. Do they know your relationship? Do you respect their opinion? Do they have a valid point? Strongly consider these things with the right people.
At the end of the day, no one knows your relationship as well as you do. Back your judgement, seek wisdom from mentors and make a decision that you are proud of
After nearly five years of marriage, I can safely say it is this best decision I’ve ever made. I love that people are still shocked when I say that we’re married, probably due to my charming baby-faced good looks and my wife’s ageless beauty. People wonder why we ‘settled down’ so young. We tell them, we’re just getting started.
