You’ve Never Met Me Before, But We Share The Same Story
Before you completely disregard this letter, I plead with you to consider it and give me a chance. To soften your heart and invite compassion into this space.
My spirit speaks to claim that you already know who I am even though we have never met. I sense that you have known all along. For a long while now, I have felt it heavy on my soul to share with you my side of the story. Not to prove a point or right a wrong, but simply to share it and own up to it; just as I would hope you can do the same with your part of the story. I know it does not change anything, as you probably have already exiled me to the nether corners of your now blissful life with him.
But, once more, and with double the vigor this time, I need you to know my side of the story.
First off, I sincerely apologize that I did not think to see things from your perspective. That I surpassed your needs and experiences in an attempt to try and replace them with my own. Truth of the matter is, I longingly vowed to erase you from his very embodiment.
The sheer magnitude of all that you must have endured, in discovering such a highly anticipated, yet all together, devastating revelation.
You were about to be a mom.
Devastating in the sense, that this was not according to your own timing and plans. But a mom nonetheless, already anticipating the new life ahead of you, and the new beginning that was about to arise. This was your chance to start over with him — to finally have a real family. I cannot even begin to wrap my head around how scared you must have felt. You needed your rock, and he has always been your solid ground.
But I want you to know that I was there. Perhaps not in the physical and actual sense, but I felt and experienced every single emotion, purely because he did.
All the inner turmoil his heart felt as a result of your wounded spirit. The constant running in place that he defaulted to, in response to your actions and choices. The resentment he held within, keeping it all contained and under control, as a means to protect you, fearing that he would undoubtedly lose you this time around.
It was exhausting. Every interaction with him was stained with the essence of you. There was no room for anyone else. We were always running on borrowed time, and it was only a matter of “when” this would end. I should have let him go a long time ago, so that he could be there for you; with you. I take responsibility for this selfishness of mine. This was not a decision that was mine to make.
However, let me clarify that this does not mean that I support or approve of your methods. It simply means I understand. I truly, truly, understand. This is the gift and legacy that I desire to leave behind in this world. The power of understanding.
To be loved is one thing, all in and of itself. Although, to be fully and truly understood, that is the start of everything.
Throughout this healing of mine, I have come to learn that in order to truly forgive someone, you first have to admit that what they did hurt you deeply. You need to stop denying the pain and consequently give in to it. What you did, in spite of its tangibility, hurt me immensely.
The toll that you have on him.
The betrayal in your actions.
The ultimatums that you so carelessly threw at his feet.
The power and control you have over his heart.
What you both did, continue to do together, hurts me. Every. Single. Breathing. Moment.
With complete transparency I admit, that the old me would have played the same moves you did to keep him. He really is a rare gem, isn’t he? A soul far too precious and real to be existing among all the false pretenses that this world has become engulfed in.
So how can I possibly fault you for loving him, when I love him with all the same force, if not more?
Ergo, this is me setting aside my ego and wishing you both the best. Not in a “bigger person, passive-aggressive” manner; but in a hopeful, big love, transformative, progressive kind of way.
This is me waving my white flag, and resetting the happiness-suffering scale within our intertwined lives. You were suffering without him; he was clearly suffering from trying to resolve all that he will always feel for you; and I was suffering from losing him over, and over, and over again.
We were all suffering.
It’s time that we reclaim our happiness again.
For all of us.
For our future selves.
Our future investments.
Our future endeavors.
For the legacies that we have brought into this world.
Regardless of the mistakes and choices we have made, we deserve this opportunity. Our hearts will work through the rest, bringing us each to where we truly belong.
Throughout the course of all this, I have often wondered how long it would take for lost souls to find each other. To gravitate and latch on to the magnetism that erupts from completely being understood by another. I believe that in an eerie, yet resonating sense, our three souls were meant to find one another. To become intertwined into each other’s stories, for the sake of absolute understanding and restoration to finally occur in our perspective lives.
The final, missing puzzle piece in all this you ask?
Your daughter. It was her, it always has been her. She was the last soul in our interwoven stories that needed to be brought to the surface. Her legacy will serve to rectify the endless chaos our minds have each created. The repeating narratives that we each play out in order to avoid truly feeling and living.
The love we each have for her, in their own unique intricacies, is what we all have been searching for all along. The kind of love that stands for something other than false realities and over generalizations. The kind of love that never fades, but instead, persists until there is nothing left to give. The type of love that requires total surrender and utter restraint of the ego.
So, you see, you and I have never met, but we undeniably share the same story.
Sincerely,
JP
