Bullshitter Smackdown: Donald Versus Hillary
The Presidential Election: Maintaining the storied tradition of excellence to which we have become accustomed in the Oval Office.
Not.
Let’s go back in time for some perspective. Reagan, “The Great Communicator,” beloved by conservatives from sea to shining sea, famously used to nap through his cabinet meetings. Bill Clinton? Two words: women and cigars. Nixon? Deep Throat much? Kennedy? He may have rivaled Clinton in extra-marital dalliances.
The list goes on, but you should get the point. Being shady and being President have never been mutually exclusive. But somehow, this campaign cycle feels different — more in your face, no pretense of discretion. Like many Americans, you may feel this election is simply a choice between the lesser of two presumptive bullshitters.
So who should be President? Hold on, we’re just not there yet. First, let’s do some comparisons on a few choice contests, and see who should be inaugurated as Supreme Bullshitter. Maybe we can make our choices from there….
5. Women’s Rights
You would think Hillary has an advantage here, seeing as she is a card carrying woman herself, but the contest is closer than you would think. Hillary (or more accurately, her supporters) has alienated some female voters by implying they are anti-women’s rights if they don’t vote for her. Politico wrote an excellent piece about the division between Hillary’s appeal to aging women, and the disdain young women voters feel for her. Some of these seem to be blow-back from two of the most estrogeny women around, Gloria Steinem and Madeleine Albright, who both basically said to all women, “If you aren’t with us, you’re against us.” Tactical mistake, if you ask me. If there is one thing we modern women don’t like, it is being told what to do or think, even if it is coming from another woman.
But then there is Trump, who famously called journalist Megyn Kelly a “bimbo” and claimed she had “blood coming out of her wherever” when she dared to challenge him during a GOP debate. (He claimed he meant the blood was coming out of her eyes. Huh.) Thinly veiled menses references aside, I think Trump was ticked off that a hot woman wasn’t pickin’ up what he was puttin’ down, despite his billions of dollars and alleged not-small hands. If we know anything about the man, it is that he is confident in his appeal to women. How do we know this? Read his books (or don’t, just Google it). In his 2004 book How to Get Rich, Trump claimed, “All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” To a female reporter he once stated, “…you wouldn’t have your job if you weren’t beautiful.” In an 1991 interview with Esquire Magazine, he said, “…it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.” In 2011, Trump allegedly called a female employee “disgusting” when she asked for a break to pump breast milk for her infant. This is just the tip of the iceberg folks. I haven’t even touched on all of the horrible things he has said about Carly Fiorina, Bette Midler, Cher, Rosie O’Donnell, etc..
I invoke the slaughter rule on this one. When it comes to women’s rights, Trump blows.
Bigger Bullshitter: TRUMP
4. Foreign Affairs
Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013. Was she amazing? Wilson Center scholar and Middle East peace negotiator Aaron David Miller claims, “She was a fine secstate but not consequential.” Not exactly the kind of resounding praise you want on your campaign bumper sticker: “Hillary! Not Consequential!” But when you look at this a little closer, that’s a remarkable assessment, considering the U.S. had an Ambassador killed in Benghazi, Libya, during her tenure. (RIP Ambassador Christopher Stevens, Information Officer Sean Smith, and CIA employees Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods.) The bullshit factor comes into play when we evaluate what she knew about the Benghazi attack and when. Initially briefed off talking points by then UN Ambassador Susan Rice as a demonstration gone awry, it took a while to get to the truth of the matter — that this was a pre-planned attack by al-Qaida. Despite what feels like a lifetime of riveting CSPAN, questions linger about Hillary’s involvement due to her role as Secretary. Reportedly, requests had been made by the consulate for security enhancements prior to the attack, which were denied by the State Department. We remain unsure how much about the denied requests and the true nature of the incident were known to Hillary.
I could write for days on Trump’s foreign policy bullshit (I won’t, I promise). For the sake of brevity, I will just say his foreign policy is abysmal. Where does the bullshit factor in? How about the Don claiming to know anything about sensitive foreign issues? (Rest soundly my friends, word on the street is he is going to start getting security briefings.) From his recommendations to ban Muslim immigration, to building a wall financed by Mexico, to nuking ISIL — this guy is just repeatedly bullshitting his way through the topic. How do I know? I quote former Mexican President Vicente Fox: “I’m not going to pay for that fucking wall.” Nuking ISIL? Where? In Syria? So your proposal is to also kill hundreds of thousands of Kurds who live next door? Utter steaming pile of bullshit.
Hillary took responsibility for Benghazi (thereby reducing the bullshit factor) and Trump is literally so bad at the foreign stuff that he was forced to cancel a trip to the Middle East in December of last year after none of the countries he was going to visit wanted to host him. How bad is it if the Prime Minister of Israel thinks your comments are too anti-Muslim? Or that the UK Parliament had to debate a popular petition to keep him out of the country entirely? Wow. Our allies think he’s bad. Want to guess what our enemies think?
Bigger Bullshitter: TRUMP
3. Social/Environmental Causes
Here we have to distinguish between Bill and Hillary. The hubby and former president gets the distinction of implementing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the military’s weasley policy for refusing to acknowledge your sexual orientation while still expecting you to risk your life for your country. Granted, this was likely more a sign of the times than Bill’s personal position. Possibly. Hillary has always branded herself a social progressive, but where exactly she falls on certain issues has changed at times since her 2008 run for president. While some call it waffling, her campaign describes this as “evolving.” (Don’t they all?) Here are a few examples.
- Marijuana: In 2008 Hillary did not support decriminalization. However, in a presidential debate this year, Hillary claimed to support the use of medical marijuana.
- Environment: In 2010, Hillary was “inclined” to support the Keystone XL Pipeline. By 2015, she had expressed her opposition against it.
- Gun Control: During a 2008 primary debate against then Senator Obama, Hillary stated, “having any kind of blanket rules doesn’t make sense” in reference to federal gun control laws. By January of this year, she was singing a different tune, “It’s time to act. As President, I’ll take on the gun lobby…”
For any of us who have kept a peripheral eye on Trump over the years, we remember a time when he identified as a Democrat. Weird, right? Where to start on this one…how about race relations? In 2011, Donald claimed to have “a great relationship with the blacks” and that he has “many, many black friends.” Are the little racist warning bells going off in your head too? Fast forward to a late 2015 interview in which mere seconds apart, Trump states, “I am the least racist person that you have ever met,” which was followed by a question about the Black Lives Matter movement, to which he responded, “Is it a big movement? I don’t know if it is big or if it’s small.” Follow this up with a quote from a press conference last summer where Trump stated, “There is no such thing as racism anymore. We’ve had a black president so it’s not a question anymore. Are they saying black lives matter more than white lives or Asian lives? If black lives matter, then go back to Africa. We’ll see how much they matter there.” <crickets chirping> <stunned silence> Surprised? Well after describing Mexicans (and later other Latinos) as “criminals,” and “rapists,” and “killers,” and kicking U.S. Citizen and journalist Jorge Ramos out of a press conference for asking a question about immigration policy by telling him to “Go back to Univision,” what do you expect?
There are so many more examples about Trump trying to bullshit around his views on social and environmental causes. From his stance on arresting women for having an abortion — wait, he backpedaled on that, now it’s the doctors who perform an abortion — to then speaking out against — and then for — universal health care, he has yet to take a firm position on these issues. He is known to use H-1B non-immigrant work visas to staff his businesses, but his campaign website detailed a proposal to add a recruitment requirement forcing companies to hire domestic workers before looking abroad. How about the environment? In 2011, Trump was quoted as saying, “I have a great environmental record.” Contrast that with his April 2016 interview with Sean Hannity, who asked him about his plans for reducing government waste: Trump was ready for the question, and without hesitation responded, “The Department of Environmental. I mean, the DEP is killing us environmentally, it’s just killing our business.” (In case you missed that, he thinks there is a federal Department of Environmental P-something. Besides being grammatically incorrect, no such department exists. Guess that means we get to keep the EPA.) If tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt, wait. Despite being such a fabulous environmentalist, in 2012 Trump tweeted, “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.” Not convinced? How about this tweet from 2014, “Any and all weather events are used by the GLOBAL WARMING HOAXSTERS to justify higher state taxes to save our planet!”
In the social/environmental bullshit-off, there is more than enough poo to throw around. We have a tight race between two expert flip-floppers. But in the end, Trump takes the cake. Or the cow pie.
Bigger Bullshitter: TRUMP
2. Appearing Sincere
I wasn’t sure what to title this one. How do you debate sincerity in a contest of bullshitting? This is what I mean: Who are they? Are they authentic? When they get on the stage and talk, can you actually smell it wafting toward you?
Hillary has traditionally come across as stiff on the campaign trail. In the Oval Office; as a Senator; while Secretary of State; in life. It’s just her. She’s stiff. It’s okay, we aren’t electing someone to get up there and do a late show monologue. I can handle stiff if it comes with a hearty dose of intellect, drive, and integrity (uh oh). Where Hillary loses me is when she tries to be something she’s not when she is standing up there. Okay, she’s got some resting bitch face going on. Don’t make her get up there and try to make the crowd laugh. It isn’t going to work — it isn’t sincere. Remember that moment in the 2008 campaign where she teared up? Yeah, maybe it could have been perceived as a “feminine” sign of weakness, but that falls apart when you consider how striking the moment was, precisely because it was spontaneous, unusual, and authentic. I bought it. I don’t think she was stabbing herself under the table to force a cry.
Trump keeps presenting two different guys to us. But that’s the problem. One guy is gracious, the other is an asshole. My fear is, he is being sincere when he is the asshole. You’d like some examples? Here you go.
On Marco Rubio:
Gracious — Earlier this month (after Rubio dropped out of the race) Trump was heard at a campaign rally in Nebraska saying Rubio is a good guy and very popular in Florida.
Asshole — Trump has referred to Rubio as “Little Marco,” too sweaty to be president, and a “con man” who could not “get elected dogcatcher.”
On Ted Cruz:
Gracious — Earlier this month (after Cruz dropped out of the race — see a pattern here?) Trump referred to Cruz as “one hell of a competitor. He is a tough, smart guy. And he has got an amazing future.”
Asshole — He nicknamed him “Lyin’ Ted.” During a February rally, Trump repeated a supporters comments, calling Cruz a “pussy” before laughing and saying the comment was “terrible.” After being defeated by Cruz in Wisconsin, Trump’s campaign issued a statement which accused Cruz of illegally cavorting with super PACs, and asserting “…Cruz is worse than a puppet — he is a Trojan horse, being used by the party bosses to steal the nomination.”
On being presidential:
Gracious — In February, Trump responded to former Mexican President Fox’s comment about Mexico paying for a border wall in which Fox dropped an F-Bomb, “I saw him use the word he used. I can only tell you, if I would have used even half of that word, it would have been national scandal. This guy used a filthy, disgusting word on television and he should be ashamed of himself and he should apologize.”
Asshole — During a rally in New Hampshire a few days earlier, Trump said, “We’re going to have businesses that used to be in New Hampshire, that are now in Mexico, come back to New Hampshire, and you can tell them to go fuck themselves because they let you down and they left.”
I grossed myself out writing this one. Ick.
Bigger Bullshitter: TRUMP
1. Personal “Indiscretions”
Remember folks, this is about Hillary and The Don. This is not about Bill Clinton, so Paula Jones, et al., do not count.
Let’s just do the big ones. Whitewater; classified State Department emails on her personal server; or my favorite, Vince Foster (who knows how much of this story is fact and how much is Vince Flynn-style fiction). The basic details begin in 1993, when Foster watched the movie A Few Good Men, and then used his father’s .38 revolver and shot himself through the mouth on a park bench in Washington, DC. Hillary was facing possible testimony over the firings of several White House Travel Office employees, and it appears Foster found himself in the unenviable position of possibly having to perjure himself or rat out his friend and employer. The rumors that follow the story are many, detailed and sordid. Here are the main allegations: Hillary and Foster were having an affair (his wife denies this); Foster was shielding Hillary from the Whitewater scandal; Foster was shielding Hillary from the Madison Guaranty Bank scandal; Foster was going to testify against Hillary before Congress in the Travel Office Scandal; and here is the mother of all the conspiracies — Hillary had Foster killed by a hitman. This is where I actually turn on this rumor mill and feel a little sorry for Hillary. Whether Foster was her friend or her lover (shudder), she obviously cared for him. Just look at the photos of her literally leaning on him at her father’s funeral. So she lost this important person in her life, and then people accuse her of having him killed. Investigation revealed before his death many colleagues noted Foster appeared subdued. The weekend before his death he and his wife took a romantic getaway, during which time she reported he cried when she asked him if he felt trapped. When they returned from the trip, he called his doctor and received a prescription for an anti-depressant. The next night he was found dead. Did dealing with Hillary’s scandals lead him to his death? Sure seems like it. Did she contract his death? I’m not buying it. However, the reluctance of the White House to turn over documents in the wake of his death sure did add fuel to the fire and make many question the Clinton’s loyalty.
The Donald has his share of questionable decisions in his past. Wouldn’t it be interesting if the two nominees for president are both called as witnesses for their own defense in court? Hillary for her emails, and Donald for his scam of Trump University? You can’t make this stuff up. Anyway, Trump has his four bankruptcies, stories of trying to force sweet little old ladies out of their family homes using eminent domain to take the land to build parking lots for casinos, and poor wages and benefits for immigrant employees. Your run-of-the-mill billionaire businessman scourge. He also has his own public infidelity. (As this story goes, Trump’s first wife, Ivana, busted him having an affair with Marla Maples during a vacation in Aspen. By most accounts, it appears the affair had been going on for a while, maybe as long as two years.)
So in this throwdown of personal shade, it pains me to say it, but I think Hillary narrowly beats out Donald. He doesn’t seem to have a problem flaunting indiscretions.
Bigger Bullshitter: CLINTON
…And the Winner Is?
Like the Washington Capitals advancing past the quarterfinals in the playoffs, Hillary Clinton didn’t stand a chance against the Donald Trump bullshitting juggernaut:
We hereby confer upon Donald Trump the official 5 ‘n Dime title of Supreme Bullshitter.
This Bullshit Endorsement is, ironically, also Bullshit. But hey, everyone likes a winner.
Have some of your own great examples of campaign bullshit? Post them here so we can all laugh, groan, and hang our head in shame at them.
Please feel free to share this story on Facebook or Twitter. Click the Share button below.
