How My Ego Made Me a Lazy Writer; A Mistake to Avoid if You Love Your Work
What is something you love so much that you won’t even exchange it for a million dollars?
Have you ever loved something so much that it made you feel alive like you couldn’t understand how the hell you were living all this time without this one thing?
I have.
To me, it’s writing.
To be very precise, I was never good at anything. I never really felt important, not with the work I was doing or the people I was with. It’s like I was there, existed. I could see, touch and feel. But I couldn’t understand ‘Why would God make someone if he/she is not good at anything?’
Then, after years of existence and constant comparisons, I found ‘writing.’
Truth be told, I don’t know how to express my infinite love for writing. Towards words that can make someone feel understood and loved. Words that feel like a soft kiss on your forehead or a comforting hug from a loved one that you thought you had lost.
To me, writing is all that and more.
They say, ‘You find yourself in your passion.’
But in my experience, when you are truly in love with your work, ‘You lose yourself in it so much so that you forget you exist at all yet at the same, you feel the most alive.’
When I write, I feel lost. I completely forget what’s happening around me, who said what, who is climbing the corporate ladder, or who became a millionaire. It’s like I have got something more. Something that feels like a slice of heaven — hidden from all, it feels like a religious activity.
But….
Stupid that I am, I lost this spark for a while. I forgot why I started. I lost track of ‘Why I write’ and what it does to me.
I made this religious activity into an ego-centric identity.
At some point in time, you will make this mistake too. You might be doing it now. So let’s dive into how, when your ego gets involved, you ruin your devotion towards your work. A mistake you must avoid at all costs if you want to enjoy what you do.
The Little Plays of Ego:
‘Your ego wants you to feel important and superior.’
There are two ways to approach your work, life, relationship, or anything that you do in life:
- You do it with love, care and secrecy
- You feel competitive, more important, and desperate to get it all. You want people to acknowledge your achievements and give you the importance that you think you deserve.
After doing my work in both ways, let me tell you the direct difference between the two approaches and the result of them.
When you do your work with love and care, be it your professional work, cooking a basic meal for yourself, or perhaps knitting a scarf, you feel kind of lost in it. It’s like beyond this work, you don’t feel there is a world that exists and you need to pay attention to it. You just feel the essence of the present moment deep inside you and an energy that seems to travel deep inside you that is purer than anything you have ever felt.
I recently read, Eckhart Tolle’s book where he talks about this and says, that when you find joy in your work, the consciousness of the Universe enjoys life through it. In simple words, energy greater than you sit by your side and turns everything that you do into an extraordinary work/activity.
Note: Extraordinary not just in terms of results. But how you feel. Suddenly, you cannot understand how making a cup of coffee can feel so comforting.
The Interference of God:
“What is God?”
Humans, as idiots as we are, have created different names of God, fought against the idea of God, and destroyed civilizations for the sake of ‘our God.’
But if you ask any of these morons, What is God? I bet they will not be able to give an answer that can convince you.
In my belief, God is not a person who lives in heaven. Someone who is different than us.
God lives deep within us. I have talked about this more in my book, ‘The Magic of Creative Living; A Conscious Path to a Joyful Life.’
God is not different than you and me. God is us. We are the breathing manifestation of God. You and I are a small part of the same energy that has created this entire world. It’s like we are the drops of the ocean. The ocean is God. And the drops are us.
But why am I talking about God?
Because God lives through us. Depending on how close you are to your truth, reflects how close you are to God.
What is truth?
Truth is…….
Truth is an egoless state of mind where you feel aware of your consciousness. Aware of who you are.
A year back, I was talking to one of my school friends. He had read my articles and said to me, ‘You know, Renuka, what has happened to you is not just hard work or luck. Your work shows a manifestation of God.’
I couldn’t understand a word so I asked him to explain what he meant.
To which he said, there is a holy book called Bhagwat Geeta which is a religious scripture of Hindus. In very simple words, in it, it is explained how when God lives through something/someone, it becomes special.
He said, ‘All elephants look the same. Their appearance and power are alike. But, there is one elephant that is white and can fly. That is the elephant of God. He is special. Why? Because it’s Godly. Similarly, your writing has a divine touch. You are not doing it. The divine power is doing it through you. You are so special that you can be the mediator.’
Now, bear with me for a minute before your atheism wakes up and you pollute my comment section.
The above statement isn’t a reflection of what God can do or it isn’t one of that religious story that is told to make you believe in God. It’s more like a metaphor. God, here means your complete consciousness.
Your own consciousness is a tiny part of the same energy that has made this entire world. When you touch that energy, when you do your work being fully present in the NOW instead of wondering what it will do for you or how you can beat other people in this work or the kind of recognition it will get you, then you create something special.
Because now it is created from a place deep inside you — the place that is the source of the energy that has created this entire world.
It’s neither special nor tough to touch that part of yourself. It’s who you are. The pure consciousness. If you stay in the present moment without creating mind-made stories or dialogues, you automatically become ONE with that superior energy.
This is how I believe, I was doing my work earlier. This is how I am trying to write at the moment.
But….
I lost track.
Then what happened?
The ComeBack of Ego:
There is a popular saying in India, ‘There cannot be two lions in the same jungle.’
It means two powers cannot survive in one place. One has to kill another to establish itself as the winner. You can fit the history of our world in this one statement.
Something similar is true with our inner self as well. Either your ego can rule your life or your consciousness.
In our world, ego wins.
What is ego?
Most people think ego only means you need to be better than others. But ego is anything that is not true. Something that is not happening in the present moment is a form of ego. How?
Because what’s not happening at the moment is fake. It’s just a mind-made world where you keep playing the roles you think best suit you. Maybe your ego makes you believe that everyone always takes advantage of you. Maybe your ego tells you to fight and win your place in the world. It could be anything.
In my case, my ego took over as FEAR and the need to feel important.
Let me explain.
When I wrote my books, I never thought about how will they be received by the world. I never paid attention to whether it would sell or make money or not. I didn’t care if people would laugh or leave negative reviews.
I got the idea. I felt the inspiration and I sat back to write until I squeezed out every word.
But then six months back, my book became a best-seller. At first, it didn’t impact me. But gradually, I felt a shift. A shift in my attitude. I thought I was better than others. I thought I was taller if you know what I mean.
This was the same time when this platform, Medium was going through changes in the algorithm because of which writers were struggling to get even the bare minimum views on their articles.
When my articles stopped getting as much love and views, instead of changing my approach or not letting this impact me at all, I felt ‘Oh well, I am better off without Medium.’
And even when I was writing, I thought, my articles were so much better than others yet they were not performing well. It’s this and that and blah blah.
Then my earnings went down so low on Medium that I felt insulted. My ego then took the place of FEAR. It made me think that I should write better, I must write on topics that will create views, and I must do this and that.
What did it do?
It shifted my focus from what was true — the truth of writing my heart out.
It shifted my focus to writing what can make money and then to worry if I have lost my spark, if I am not a good enough writer anymore or if my audience is just bored of me. There was no end to this.
As a result, this religious activity became a way to first boost myself and then to revolve my identity based on the views and likes.
I am a writer. That’s the truth. Whether my book sells a million copies or my articles don’t get any views, it’s not in my hands. Thus, it has nothing to do with me. My truth, my work, my prayer is to — write. Write what I feel like.
But of course, the fear combined with the superiority complex made me forget my truth. It made me restless. Restless for views. Restless as to why are people not giving me the importance I deserve.
And that made me a lazy writer. The excitement turned into fear and resentment. I started questioning ‘Why should I write if I don’t get views anyway?’’ Or ‘It doesn’t matter if I write or not, I am great anyway.’
My consciousness was lost. The ego won and ruled my life for a while.
Until I decided that I didn’t want to feel this way. I want the peace, the comfort, and the excitement of my work back. I am just a writer who loves to pour her heart out. The rest is just a cycle of life.
So is it that simple?
Such a big article, all the explanation and I am ending it on such a small note?
Well, yes.
Ego may be big but its destruction takes only seconds. The simple realization of who you are. The simple presence of the NOW dissolves the ego.
The Death of Ego & The Birth of Peace:
What are the stories, dialogues, and scenes you keep repeating in your mind?
What you repeat in your mind reflects the kind of life you create for yourself.
The more powerful you make yourself in your mind, the less noticeable you are, probably, in your reality. If you keep playing the victim role in your mind, perhaps you are too lost in your past. Perhaps, you need that sympathy from people. The more scared you feel in your mind about trying something new, it’s your ego’s way of silencing the divine inspiration.
But the moment you stop, take a step back, and listen to these dialogues and stories your mind creates, you realize ‘how unconscious you have been all your life. How your mind is a drama addict who never lets you live in the present moment.’
In my case, the weeks of agony and the heat of superior air evaporated when out of nowhere, I realized that I didn’t sign up for this bullsh*t. I just want to write. I want to feel peace.
Seconds later, I was on my laptop writing probably on something that I wanted. I stopped thinking if I would make money with this article or not. In fact, I made my articles free for all. I don’t care about the views because I am not writing this for someone I have never met. I am writing this because I felt like doing so. I am fulfilling my desire.
Result?
I feel the same joy and love creeping inside my veins back. This is the only feeling I want to chase for the rest of my life.
Ego hates this feeling. Ego wants to feel encharged. But with consciousness on the seat, there is not a place for ego so it will try to come back in different ways — to seduce you to cheat on your present moment. To make you forget about what matters.
But remember, just a second of realization is enough to kill the ego and change your life.
Now question yourself, ‘How your ego is making you cheat on your life?’
