It may be a tough task trying to convince your spouse that you want to talk about each of your sexual pasts. But how you frame the invitation is important. If there is an obvious problem in your sex life, then it’s no secret for your spouse. Perhaps you can say, “Honey, I want to fix the issues we are having in the bedroom, and I think I have a solution that could help us both, if you’re willing to participate.” Or, if there is no apparent problem and you’ve been holding back you could say, “Honey, I think I’ve been holding back when we are having sex and I want to break out of that. Can we sit down and talk thru some things that will help spice things up?” Then let them know the basis of the conversation. Chances are they will be willing to do whatever it takes to make things better.
- Set an Appointment: Don’t just start the conversation. Set a time to get away – either actually go away to a hotel or designate a time and place that is for the sole purpose of this conversation. There needs to be no distraction and no chance of interruption.
- Prepare: While you wait for the appointment date, each of you have a little homework to do. Make a list of all your past lovers and try to determine what they have in common. Ask yourself, ‘why did I sleep with this person.’ Don’t be surprised if you as a husband or your husband’s list and reasons seem a little superficial. He may honestly have slept with the woman because she thought she had a great butt. But maybe there were others he can assess as a reason that runs deeper.
- Prayer and Introduction: I know all my readers aren’t praying folks, but that’s ok. For the people who pray, when you get together with your spouse say a little prayer to make sure that the conversation is guided and the objective pans out. Then as a couple agree to a commitment to truth and honesty. Make sure that there is an understanding that both people want resolution. Each party should make sure that they commit to ‘no judgment”.
- Start Talking: Begin one at a time going thru your lists and share with one another what you found. Lovingly ask one another questions about it. Let your spouse get everything out. Expect for this conversation to potentially be tearful at times. Expect for it to be uncomfortable as well. Husbands in particular prepare for your wife to be upset with some of the choices that she made, even if it doesn’t make sense to you why she beats herself up so bad over certain relationships. Expect your spouse to express shame over some if not all of those past relationships. Your job is to be understanding and love them thru it. At times your spouse will require more information from you. Be prepared to answer questions and provide details if necessary. Sometimes reliving those details will help you move past and help your spouse to understand why it was traumatic.
- The point of this exercise is not to pry, but it’s two-fold. It’s to removing all traces of the hold that these experiences have on your subconscious and second it’s to create or build more intimacy in your marriage. With nothing hidden from one another, you are completely free. You have dumped possibly some of the ugliest parts of your past in full view of your spouse and you see they still love you. It creates such a freedom and great potential for release in your married sex life.
Further, having had this type of discussion it will be a cake-walk to be able to communicate with each other about how to move forward in learning how to get better and better with pleasing one another sexually.
If you have this conversation with your spouse, please let us know how it goes for you.
Thanks for reading, commenting and sharing.
About the Author:
Alan Smith is a dating consultant and a blog contributor for http://www.loveawake.com free dating site. He writes his best ideas, advices and tips about relationships, online dating and marriage for Loveawake.com official blog which is dedicated to change romance for the better.
