30-Something Worries: Working Through Anxiety About Debt and Supporting a Family
I recently received, for the first time in my life, my very own student loan bill. The best part is it comes with all the perks you’d expect: the tens of thousands of dollars of the original balance, which is $41,000; the added bonus of accrued interest, which gets categorized as my “current balance” of almost $44,500; a respectable interest rate that averages somewhere around 5.8%; a nice healthy monthly payment that comes in at $492.35.
The best part is the anxiety I feel as I look at it. In moments of weakness I wonder where my family is going to find the extra $500 a month to pay this off. My wife and I have talked about it, and we’re expecting to make more money through our photography business while I pick up some freelancing gigs on the side on top of my full-time job. But we barely broke even last year and there always seems to be an incident that keeps us from saving, whether it’s having to buy a car because our last one broke down or needing to replace our photography equipment. On top of this we have our 2-and-a-half-old-son, and the expenses that come with raising a child. I worry because we’re barely getting by, and because we are at the mercy of unforeseen life events.
I’ve been keeping a Mint account for a year and a half to learn where our money goes. You know that sinking feeling in your stomach that comes when you feel scared, lost, and out of control? That’s my normal state of mind looking at Mint. As my wife proclaimed one day, “Every time you look at that thing you go into a money funk.” I didn’t disagree. But I don’t know how to feel good knowing that 10 out of 12 months last year we lost money. The only thing that really saved us was receiving a tax refund.
I often stare at the screen trying to find areas where we can cut back. We can’t cut back on rent, unless we move. We can’t cut back on gas or insurance, unless we get rid of a car, and good luck doing that in Los Angeles. Maybe we should start eating less. Are we even disciplined enough to cut back? Are we smart enough to save? My “money funk” also comes with the guilt of wishing I made more money to support my family.
My son has a habit of lining up his cars and dinosaurs before counting each one. With certain things he’ll get up to 20, but the number 16 will usually get left behind. Despite that, it seems like he’s paying more attention to the numbers than his parents do.
Here is a positive fact: I have been debt-free up until this point in my life (I’m 32). It does not escape me that I am extremely lucky, or that I owe most of my debt-free existence to my parents. With their financial support and government grants I stayed out of debt while earning an undergraduate humanities degree, and they’ve helped me substantially with graduate school. They still support us with gifts whenever they can. My parents and I arrived in the U.S. when I was eight, with no money at all. My parents worked and saved, and then worked some more. Their fiscally conservative nature meant less vacations and more home-cooked meals and a do-it-yourself lifestyle.
When I’m feeling optimistic, the student debt seems more like a rite of passage. It’s another challenge to overcome; another part of growing up. But as I look at this student loan the question does pop up in my mind: “Was three years of business school actually worth it?” It’s clear that my content marketing job does not (yet) require an MBA, and I’m certainly not applying for any investment banking jobs. My career path is currently more tied to my English degree than to my business degree.
On paper the statistics are in my favor. I’ve read an MBA is one of the most marketable degrees you can acquire. In time, I will hopefully earn enough to have a pretty decent mid-life crisis, one where I freak out and maybe buy a Porsche or get a hair transplant.
For now I’m still figuring out what to do with my life, and reconcile being someone with an MBA who doesn’t have a grip on his finances. How the hell did my parents begin with nothing—my dad being in his mid-50s when we moved here from Romania—and buy a house after three years? I know that part of the answer is hard work and determination, and another part of it is because it was a much different time, but I’m just hoping some of those qualities rubbed off on me.
At the end of the day I try to do what most people probably do, which is to tell myself to not worry about it. I tell myself that I’m young and hungry. I tell myself that there’s no time to play the victim; that there’s no time to worry.
A friend’s voice echoes in my mind, “It’s time to hit this shit!” I loop back into self-awareness. What the hell is the “shit” that I’m trying to hit? I stare blankly at this bill, and all I can think of is that it has to involve paying off my student debt.
This article is the first in a new series.
Mircea Vlaicu lives in Los Angeles with his wife and son. He is a content marketer at a big tech company and recently earned his MBA from UCLA Anderson School of Management. You don’t have to follow him on Twitter: @MirceaVlaicu
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