How to eat from the salad bar
Choose mixed greens. Spinach is fine, but it’s usually better once it’s been wilted, and when raw it can become overly chewy if there’s too much of it. Iceberg lettuce is the main ingredient in McDonald’s salads because it’s basically textured water. So choose the mixed greens and get some degree of flavor, that hint of bitterness and soil that lets you know you’re eating something from the earth.
Next, add ingredients that will impart some heft, but that are not carb-y. Do not add potatoes or potato salad or pasta or pasta salad to your greens, you animal. Sometimes, those items can taste good in salads, but invariably they are potato or pasta dishes that happen to have some greens in them. You’re not at the salad bar to build a pasta dish. You’re building a salad.
Instead, try mushrooms. Or, if you’re at Ruby Tuesday or another enlightened establishment, scoop up some edamame. Carrots can work, but I’ve found that baby carrots or sliced carrots are far inferior to the shredded version. Sliced or diced cucumbers are perfect for this, too.
If you need something sweet, get a scoop of peas. I see you looking at the raspberry vinaigrette at the end, there. You’re not getting that. It may say “fat free” but it’s also got a bunch of sugar in it. Eat peas.
Sometimes, eating protein from the salad bar is appropriate. Do not add sausage crumbles to your salad. I’ve seen this on a salad bar before. Whoever put that on the bar is a maniac. Do go ahead of grab a small scoop of cubed turkey or ham, or some tuna. If there’s another type of meat on the bar, question whether you’re at a salad bar or the buffet line. Do not eat steak off a salad bar.
When you’ve filled your plate with greens, a little bit of heftier stuff, bits of textural or sweet-flavored ingredients, and (perhaps) your protein, it’s time to choose your dressing. Mainly, worry about the sugar you might dump on your plate. In other words, that syrupy vinaigrette is out, and so is the honey mustard. If there’s a “Greek” dressing, that one’s likely to be low-sugar, as are ranch and balsamic.
Regardless of which dressing you choose, however, you’ll have to guard against putting too much of it on your salad. Imagine how much dressing seems about right. Cut that in half. Put that amount on your salad. You’ll be surprised at how far dressing goes. After all, you’re eating a salad, dammit, not a bleu-cheese-dressing soup with some spinach on the side.
In the end, you should have a plate that’s about half greens, half other stuff, 90 to 95 percent plants and fungus, perhaps 5 percent protein, and perhaps 5 percent dressing. We’ve been over the pasta. Ignore croutons, a.k.a. stale bread that’s more liable to crack your tooth than make your salad taste better.
When you finish eating your salad, feel free to go back for more. But don’t get the pasta. Because pasta is not salad.
