5 Ways Murray Bowen’s ‘Differentiation Of Self’ Can Improve Your Leadership Skills.
Differentiation of Self is a profound concept developed by psychiatrist Dr. Murray Bowen in the mid-20th century. It is a vital key to unlocking our personal growth and understanding the dynamics within our relationships, which sadly doesn’t get as much attention from the mental health community.
Originating from Bowen’s extensive study of families and observations of animals in nature, this theory offers an insightful framework for examining our individuality and our interactions with others.
In this article, I want to give you a little context into what Differentiation is and emphasize its significance in fostering leadership skills.
A Definition of Differentiation: Disentangling S.O.F.T: Self, Others, Feelings and Thoughts.
The essence of self-differentiation lies in our ability to identify and separate our thoughts, feelings, and the influences exerted by others and what goes on within our ‘Self’. I refer to these four ideas as Self, Other, Thoughts, and Feelings. In the image above you’ll see that our ability to do this is on a spectrum, with a fully differentiated person at one end, and a completely undifferentiated person at the other.
Here’s the bad news. No one is at 100.
Here’s the even worse news: We are all somewhere in the middle of this scale.
Becoming more differentiated is a process that sounds simple but is in fact, surprisingly hard for most of us.
Self & Other:
Undifferentiated: Spot how many times someone in your life refers to a ‘We’ in a conversation, even though you asked them about their ‘Self.’ In some regards, they are talking on behalf of another person, which is a blurring of Self and Other for me (as a therapist).
Another example, is considering a leader who is debating whether to ask Jimmy in accounting to redo the typo-ridden report he just handed her. This could be a blurring of Self and Other if there’s an internal debate. ‘Will he be upset?’ ‘Am I asking too much of him?’ These are all very caring and polite thoughts to have, but it might be that Jimmy’s (Other) and his feelings are a little too much in the mix of this decision.
Differentiated: A differentiated person is able to separate out what belongs to them (Self) and what belongs to another person (Other). This leader (Self) needs a report they can hand their boss, and it’s Jimmy’s (Other’s) job to provide accurate and typo-free reports so they will ask Jimmy to redo the report, and to check it before he hands the next one in. It’s not that this person doesn’t care about Jimmy’s feelings, but they’re able to separate out feelings of guilt (Self) and Jimmy’s job role (Other) and make the decision.
Thoughts & Feelings:
Undifferentiated: You’ll hear this all the time, and I’m guilty of it myself, “I feel that the weekend wasn’t long enough”. That’s actually a thought, and granted it conveys a feeling, but in terms of Differentiation, this is a blurring of thoughts and feelings.
Differentiated: Differentiation goes beyond simply recognizing an emotion or a thought; it’s about the vast array of information that comes to our conscious when we can think about our feelings and have feelings about our thoughts…. before we act on them. Human beings are generally happier when we have choices that come from having all the information available to us.
As a family systems therapist, I believe this discernment is crucial in family therapy obviously, but it is also important to understand in the workplace and any place where people are in a relationship with each other. Which, if you really think about it, is everywhere.
An individual who has achieved a high level of differentiation can engage deeply in relationships without losing their sense of self, ensuring that their bonds are both caring and genuine and not overly influenced by others. A leader who can do this can make the most informed decisions about their team, the company, and their goals.
If you’re interested in learning more about this, the link to my website is at the end of this page.
1. Enhanced Decision-Making
In the realm of leadership, the ability to make clear, well-thought-out decisions is paramount, and this is where the concept of ‘Differentiation of Self’ truly shines.
Leaders who have cultivated a high level of differentiation stand out in their decision-making process. They possess the unique ability to sift through their own thoughts and feelings, have feelings about their thoughts, and thoughts about their feelings. Feelings are often a source of data that should be considered, but not usually acted upon without thinking about them first.
The differentiated leader remains calm in the face of uncertainty and in the face of influences and emotions of their team or external pressures. T
his clarity allows them to evaluate situations more objectively, free from the pitfalls of groupthink or emotional reactivity. Such leaders can discern the core of complex issues and make decisions that are not only sound but also aligned with the organization’s values and goals. That’s much harder to do when you’re overtaken by emotions or anxiety. On the flip side of that, if you’re not considering any of your feelings, you’re missing out- they tell you things.
In being less swayed by the emotional undercurrents of their environment, these leaders can navigate through challenging scenarios with a balanced perspective, ensuring decisions are made with a blend of empathy and rationality. This skill is especially crucial in times of crisis or uncertainty, where decisive action based on a clear understanding of the situation can make the difference between success and failure.
2. Greater Emotional Intelligence
A key facet where ‘Differentiation of Self’ markedly benefits leadership is in the realm of emotional intelligence.
Leaders who have honed this aspect of differentiation demonstrate an acute awareness of their own emotional landscape. In my private practice in Los Angeles, I offer Executive Coaching services. I have my clients check in on their feelings every time they pull up to a red light. It becomes a habit, and there’s a lot of red lights on the drive home over here. This self-awareness is pivotal, as it enables them to navigate their emotional responses effectively, particularly in high-stress or challenging workplace scenarios.
I recently helped a young entrepreneur decide if he should sell his business or not. He spent the first 34 minutes of the session telling me how awful and stressful the company was, how it had caused him physical illness and ruined a relationship. Yet he was uncertain if the offer was for the right amount and didn’t know what to do. We worked on S.O.F.T together and he realized that his feelings of dread and nausea and despair at the thought of working a day longer at this company he’d brought outweighed a fairly generous offer. His feelings won because they were giving him vital information.
The impact of this heightened emotional intelligence extends beyond self-awareness. These leaders are adept at recognizing and understanding the emotions of their team members. They can empathize deeply, discerning the underlying feelings and motivations of others without becoming enmeshed in them. This empathetic understanding fosters a supportive and responsive work environment where team members feel seen and understood. In my experience, everyone longs to be understood by their manager or leader.
This style of leadership not only enhances team cohesion and morale but also drives productivity and innovation, as team members feel valued and understood, motivating them to contribute their best.
3. Resilience Under Stress: Reactivity Or Responsiveness?
Resilience under stress is a hallmark of leaders who have achieved a high level of self-differentiation. Such leaders are adept at maintaining composure and clarity, even in the midst of challenging or high-pressure situations.
The key distinction here lies in their ability to be responsive rather than reactive. An undifferentiated leader often falls into the trap of reactivity — where decisions are made impulsively, driven by unexamined emotions and immediate pressures. This reactivity is a sign that their thoughts and feelings are entangled, leading to choices that are not fully considered and may be influenced by the heat of the moment. In contrast, a differentiated leader approaches situations with a mindset that is both thoughtful and measured. They have the ability to pause, reflect, and separate their emotional responses(feelings) from their thought processes. This separation allows them to consider the information that their emotions are signaling, without being controlled by them.
As a result, their decisions are more informed, balanced, and aligned with long-term objectives. This ability to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively under stress not only enhances the leader’s effectiveness but also instills a sense of stability and confidence within their team. It creates an environment where challenges are met with reasoned strategies rather than knee-jerk reactions, fostering a culture of calmness and resilience.
4. Balanced Independence and Collaboration
Murray Bowen’s insights into over and under-functioning in relationships provide a valuable lens to understanding managing teams. Bowen talks about the idea that two people with lower levels of differentiation can fall into reciprocal relationships in which one person does more than the other, and because that person is doing more, the other person does less.
Lets go back to our example about Jimmy’s typo-ridden report. An undifferentiated leader might lean towards over-functioning and take it upon themselves to correct Jimmy’s report typos before submitting it to their boss. This not only burdens the leader with additional tasks but also inadvertently fosters under-functioning in team members like Jimmy, who may become less vigilant about their work, knowing that the leader will cover for their mistakes.
In contrast, a differentiated leader recognizes the importance of allowing team members to function independently. They can realize their Self is doing much more than it should for Other, and they call it out. They understand that by stepping back and resisting the urge to over-function, they empower their team members to take responsibility and grow. This approach not only fosters a sense of accountability but also encourages collaboration. Team members are more likely to contribute their unique perspectives and skills when they feel their contributions are valued and necessary. By maintaining this balance, a differentiated leader cultivates a team environment where independence and collaboration coexist harmoniously, driving the team towards collective success and individual growth.
5. Improved Conflict Resolution
Effective conflict resolution is a critical skill in leadership, significantly influenced by the level of self-differentiation. Leaders who are less differentiated often find themselves more emotionally entangled in conflicts, which can cloud their judgment and escalate tensions. In such cases, their responses might be driven more by emotional impulses than by objective assessment, leading to decisions that may not effectively resolve the underlying issues. These leaders can get swept up in the ‘anxiety storm’ of their colleagues or employees, making it challenging to maintain a clear perspective. On the other hand, differentiated leaders exhibit a remarkable ability to manage conflicts with objectivity and composure. Their self-awareness allows them to recognize and regulate their emotional responses, preventing them from being overwhelmed by the emotional climate of the situation. This detachment does not imply a lack of empathy; rather, it enables them to understand each party’s perspective without being biased by emotional involvement. As a result, they can navigate through conflicts by focusing on the core issues and facilitating solutions that address the concerns of all parties involved. Their ability to remain calm and collected, even in the midst of emotional upheaval, not only helps in de-escalating conflicts but also models a constructive approach to conflict resolution for their team.
I hope this helps sell you on a topic I’m quite passionate about and would be thrilled if you shared or liked or … clap? I can’t keep up.
I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist who provides executive coaching in Los Angeles coaches executives in this systemic way of thinking and managing teams. I write about differentiation of self a lot on www.MyPeoplePatterns.com.
I would love for you to check it out.
