Looking For Magic

while leaving traces of mine behind

‘You don’t do magic’ — She said, ‘You are magic.’

I like to live my life as if I’m writing a book. I imagine myself writing my adventures when I get home to think about everything I live, and love and feel. I’m always writing in my head the bits of conversations I have with people, trying to make the moment eternal. Trying to make my life a work of art.

And most of these conversations revolve around the word magic. About how there are certain kind of people who can make you feel that way and about how there are kisses that feel like nothing. About how someone who has someone else can become everything you think you’re looking for and more.

It was my birthday and I was drunk so when you picked me up at the bar I wasn’t standing in front of my light. I was being real, I was being totally myself when you noticed that little thing about me.

‘I don’t know why but I see sparks when you talk. There’s something about you.’ — You said, giving me more reasons to kiss you.

And I’m addicted to it. I’m addicted to the rush and the sparks I feel when I see and talk to some people. I’m an adrenaline junkie and I can’t get enough.

Even though the feeling I’m the most used to is heartache and wanting someone who does not want you back, at least not in the way you want.

The unrequited magic.

And I don’t want that. I don’t want the abstract, I don’t want the ‘almost happened’, I don’t want the fucking unfinished things.

‘Do you feel the magic yet?’— You asked me while kissing the drunkest parts of myself.

And I lied to you, because being the heartbreaker isn’t something I know how to do.

‘This is all magical’ — I replied . ‘Our bodies, the sandwich you made me, the moment before we kissed.’

I want the wild, the raw, the real. I want to photograph the way your eyes lightened up when you saw me, the way you kissed me and the way my heart was pounding when you touched my leg.

I want inappropriate touching filled with innocence. I want sweet neck kisses and sporadic hugs. I want wine at 11am that will eventually lead us to unexpected honesty and will make us forget about how it’s wrong you being with me because you have someone else. I want to wrap myself around you even if it’s just temporary because that’s magic. You were magic.

‘I feel so happy right now’ — I said while laying on your chest.

‘Is that true? Why? — You asked while touching my arm that was all wrapped on you.

‘Because today has been awesome, and like I told you, it’s always better after my birthday.’

So how do you think this year is going to be?

Oh, it’s going to be wonderful. — I replied, closing my eyes and trying to bottle up that moment forever.

And you begin to notice that you are just going through the world ‘breaking hearts with the efficiency that only youth can harness’ while leaving parts of you in all of these people. Pieces of your magic.

You are not taking care of other people’s hearts and even worse, you’re not taking care of your heart.

And heartbreak after heartbreak, you start to realize that maybe that thing you’re looking for, that ‘magic’ isn’t in all the people you are seeing. And you start to wonder what is it that they have that make them that special? Why do some people make you feel that rush?

I thought I would have my magic when we met that Christmas day and gave each other presents. I thought I would have my magic if you hugged me and gave me kisses that were meant for another person. But you didn’t.

And I thought I would be happy if you decided you wanted to be exclusive. I thought I saw and felt magic when we kissed in your room that day. The day I made you feel sparks.

But I was wrong, because it wasn’t in you or any of them.

‘Yes, I guess it’s over’ — I said, surprised because I didn’t think it would hurt that much — ‘And well, it sucks because it was special, it was magic.’

‘That person is magical because you see with eyes full of magic.’ — She started to say — ‘Don’t ever forget that, the magic is in the way you see things, not in what or who you are seeing.’

And she was right.

Why would I be looking for magic in other people when I am full of magic inside myself?