{5} a bit of introspection

A few days ago I posted about the surprise realization of how much I hate myself. I’ve been dwelling on that reality since.

We’re such a cause-and-effect driven society, it’s hard to think about what simply exists, as is. Things come from somewhere — made, or born — and feelings are reactions to situations or thoughts, and behavior is learned from the cradle.

We think it gives us power, this cause-and-effect perception, because if do everything RIGHT, if all we cause to happen is good and correct, then the effect will be happiness and prosperity. Whole mega-churches have risen out of that pile of crap.

But many things are what they are, and if they have cause, they still might be causes we cannot control (such as your height, which is the effect of both your genetics and your nutrition as a child).

Hating myself is one of those things that exists, as it is.

I don’t have any solid idea why it exists, about why I feel the way I do about myself. I can certainly make some educated guesses, based on my parents and my own personality, but…is that even necessary? If it was not one singular traumatic event that caused this belief to take root, then there is no one single cause to blame. Having a general frame of reference might be enough.

The mere fact that this is how I currently feel does not make it immutable, though, or eternal. I believe I can change this reality. At this point I don’t have a solid plan on how to approach this change, just the determination that change must happen.

In the meantime, I try to remember that even what I feel to be truest about myself is still something I merely believe, and nothing more.