Remember Venus in Sagittarius? Of course you don’t — you didn’t read my story on it, you asshole. Still, I’m gonna tell you about another astrology transit: On Dec. 9, Venus, the planet of love and money, moves into conscientious Capricorn.
2022 Venus in Capricorn could see you saving and investing like Scrooge McDuck or Daddy Warbucks. So, if you find yourself suddenly lusting after cryptocurrency, diving into piles of coins or buying red-afro’d orphans, you’ll know why.
During Venus in Capricorn your desire to build is sky-high. Rather than wasting time hooking up with randos, you’ll be building a creative brand, starting a new side-hustle and/or finding a way to capitalize on other people’s needs a la Jeff Bezos (a Venus in Capricorn native).
There’s no better time to build and/or obsess over money, collateral, funding and revenue–all of which are huge turn-ons for Venus in Capricorn, btw. That, and lengthy games of Monopoly. (Also, sidenote: am I the only one who thinks Jeff Bezos and Daddy Warbucks look the same? CUZ THEY DO.)
Of course, I can’t really tell you how 2022 Venus in Capricorn will affect you, but I’ve tried anyway. Read it and weep, fuckers:
Your 2022 Venus in Capricorn Satriscope
Aries ♈
And Just Like That was a flop, but HBO picked it up for another season. You too could have a similar stroke of luck in your love life: you may fall for an older person–a Menopausal Miranda, perhaps?–or a boss, mentor, or authority figure who reminds you of Mommy or Daddy (um, ew)…
Taurus ♉
Trade in those Christmas gifts for a ticket to a faraway land. This trip may seem selfish, but who gives a shit. You desperately need a Christmas vacation and will find comfort in exotic spaces and places. You may also attract a Mr. Miyagi figure who inspires you to learn more about yoga or karate…
Gemini ♊
Get serious and start investing in your future. Better yet, just wait until cash from wealthy relatives comes pouring in–seriously, nothing feels better than spending or investing someone else’s money. If you don’t have a rich grandma, you could just steal mammy’s Kohl’s cash. Also, do you know Scrooge McDuck’s net worth? ‘Cuz I don’t…
Cancer ♋
Commitment issues got you down? Venus in Capricorn doesn’t really help you with that. In fact, you’re very Gordon Gekko this month, concerned solely with business dealings. By which I mean, watching Wall Street-based erotica, sensually counting all of your cash and/or ignoring other people in lieu of putting your nose to the grindstone…
Leo ♌
Life’s vexations are about to piss you off a little bit less. Venus in Capricorn helps you give less fucks about those idiots you call fellow employees. This, in turn, makes you more productive. Yep, getting shit done has never been easier, and you feel like a boss–or maybe you’re already a boss, idk…
Virgo ♍
Venus in Capricorn boosts your ego and vanity. You’re primping like a peacock and flirting like Gemini at a singles bar. Horny AF, you may also be tempted to download a dating app and swipe right on a handsome sommelier. Just remember: That wine-drinking son of a bitch would be very lucky to have you…
Libra ♎
Look, Venus in Capricorn doesn’t do much for you on a personal level. Sure, it helps you build your surroundings, and makes it ten times easier to make money from home (or, at the very least, gives you a stronger desire to do so), but it also means you’re spending more at Home Depot. So…
Scorpio ♏
Savor the little things in life–a Starbucks Strawberry Acai Refresher in the morning, the powdery white snow on the ground–then think of how you can exploit them. This shouldn’t be too hard: Venus in Capricorn boosts your inner entrepreneur, and you may just end up pitching a Starbucks Winter Drink business idea on “Shark Tank.”…
Sagittarius ♐
Self-reliance soars, but your income has you bugging. Where did your cash go? Um, you spent it ‘cuz you don’t have any impulse control, dum-dum. Here’s a thought: If you want to earn it back, you could get a seasonal job at Scheels. Who knows, you may even charm the pants off a Christian coworker…
Capricorn ♑
Charm, tact, and peace of mind are not on the agenda for you, amigo. With Venus in Capricorn, you’re even more self-seeking and even more lusty for success than Sigourney Weaver in “Working Girl.” Btw, if you’ve been looking to spruce up your look with bangs or new clothes, now’s the time to do so…
Aquarius ♒
Alone time is an absolute must, especially if you feel exhausted by all this “Joy To The World” Christmas bull shit–I know I do. While alone, you may reflect on past loves or past purchases you wish you never made. Those acid wash skinny jeans from SHEIN might be at the top of that list…
Pisces ♓
Peer groups are hella appealing RN. You want to find your people–as long as they have the skills that will help you succeed. The rest can go fuck themselves. Call it self-seeking, but this mindset helps you stay on track towards your hopes and dreams. And that’s more important than any fly-by-night friendship, isn’t it?
Did you like some of my oh-so obvious product placements in this horoscope? Good. Here’s another:
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