Student Shares the Emotional Toll of Dating a Porn Addict
Erika* isn’t a fan of the porn industry. After being with a partner who was morally distressed about his porn use, she left the relationship feeling confused about her role as a romantic partner…
By Jessica Huynh, Storyteller for RU Student Life
Erika’s Story is Part 3 in the Let’s Talk About Porn Series. The series recounts the stories of four university students and the role pornography has played in their life. How does pornography influence the relationships we form with ourselves and others? Is there something between the sheets we aren’t talking about? Click here to read the other stories.
Content Warning: This article contains mature content and sensitive topics surrounding sexual violence, trauma, abuse, sex, and pornography.
The first time Erika watched porn was when she was 12 years old. She was curious to know what all the fuss was about so she snuck onto her family computer and watched her first pornographic video. “It was pretty basic stuff,” Erika recalled. “[The first video I watched was] of a man and a woman having penis-in-vagina sex. I didn’t really understand it, but I remember feeling excited like I had discovered a secret or something.”
With limited knowledge on sex, particularly female sexuality, Erika continued watching porn rather regularly for the next few years. Porn was interesting and novel, but it also left a bitter taste in her mouth. Erika couldn’t shake this gnawing feeling in the back her mind that something felt off. She couldn’t quite place her finger on what exactly bothered her about what she was watching, but she knew it troubled her. “I think most mainstream porn is abusive towards women and perpetuates harmful myths surrounding sex,” Erika decided. “Even as a kid, I couldn’t watch ‘straight’ porn. I favoured girl-on-girl porn because it felt safer.”
When she entered her first relationship in her sophomore year of high school, she witnessed first-hand the detrimental effect porn has on some viewers. Behind closed doors, Erika’s first boyfriend had a full-fledged porn addiction.
Erika’s ex-partner, Michael*, grew up in a deeply religious household. Both his parents were Catholic, which Erika believes heavily influenced his views on sex and masturbation. “He was very insecure about his porn use,” she remembered distinctly. “He would cry to me when he watched porn which was a hassle because I had to take care of him emotionally. He treated porn like he was cheating on me.”
In Catholicism, a moral sexual act is one that is marital, unitive, and procreative. Non-martial sexual acts such as masturbation, adultery and pre-marital sex are considered sinful. Ronald L. Conte Jr., a Roman Catholic theologian and Bible translator, believes these sexual activities are inherently evil and immoral because they “lack the marital meaning, which is required by God for sexual acts to be moral”. Ironically, Tech Addiction found that the most popular day of the week people watch porn is Sunday, a holy day in many religions.
Elwood D. Watson, a gender studies professor at East Tennessee State University, told Huffington Post that 50% of religious men and 20% of religious women believed they were addicted to pornography. While regular church go-ers are 26% less likely to watch porn, those who identified as “fundamentalist” were 91% more likely to look at porn. In fact, Christian men are 10% more likely to report being addicted to porn than non-Christian men, according to The Fix.
While pornography was clearly a source of stress for Michael, Erika never once felt as though masturbating to porn was equivalent to cheating. After all, she was watching porn consistently herself. Like any loving partner, Michael’s willingness to be open and vulnerable with her was something she didn’t take for granted. She comforted him when he needed her, even when it meant putting her own needs aside. Soon, his distress became a persistent issue in their relationship. Erika found herself consoling him constantly. She suspected he was masturbating to porn daily but wasn’t taking any steps to be proactive about his situation.
“It was a lot of work having to comfort him all the time,” she admitted.
According to Psychology Today, porn consumption can be distressing for many individuals and couples. Studies have shown that porn addiction has more to do with one’s perceived psychological distress, such as guilt or shame, than the actual amount spent watching porn. Negative associations from porn often stem from moral or religious beliefs. In a study published in Sex Roles, researchers found that when a male partner used porn excessively, the female partner’s self-esteem and sexual satisfaction within the relationship decreases.
Once Erika and Michael became sexually active, sex quickly became the main focus of their relationship. Michael was needy and manipulative; he would often guilt Erika into having sex to avoid resorting to porn. The relationship became about his wants and his needs at the expense of Erika’s. “I wasn’t a person with needs and wants; I was more like a treasured object. When it came to sex, no wasn’t an option [for him],” Erika remembered.
“His porn addiction made it impossible for him to view sex normally.”
Michael wanted Erika to be like the girls he saw in porn as he took on the role of the male porn star. He was entirely too rough and often made Erika bleed during sex.
“I think he was ignorant to fact he was being too rough,” Erika speculated. “I think porn made him think that that felt good [for women]. He was selfish in general, but I feel porn and his inability to know fiction from reality promoted violent sexual behaviours and strange ideas about female sexuality.”
Sex was unsatisfying for Erika as it was always over when Michael got off. The entire relationship was mentally and physically exhausting. By the end of her junior year of high school, she had had enough. “He was causing me more pain than happiness,” Erika explained. “He made me feel responsible for his well-being on basically every level. I fully cut him out of my life at the end of grade twelve, but it was a messy journey.”
Throughout their one year-ish long relationship, she didn’t know bleeding during intercourse wasn’t normal and that women could experience an orgasm during intercourse — that is, until she started dating her current partner in university.
After leaving the toxic relationship, Erika found herself unable to watch porn for a long time. She was very confused about relationships, particularly her role as a romantic partner. With time and maturity, she was able to clearly see that the way her previous partner viewed her was not a reflection of her self-worth. Erika’s current partner is “very big on communication and very focused on [her] pleasure.” Nowadays, Erika rarely watches porn. She isn’t a big fan of the porn industry but she believes porn can be consumed in a healthy manner when used in moderation. “It’s important to understand that porn is fantasy; it’s not real sex. [In a relationship], you have to keep in mind that the person you are with is their own person,” Erika advises her peers.
“Communication is always important!”
If you are a survivor of sexual violence and interested in receiving support, please visit Ryerson’s Office of Sexual Violence Support and Education for services and resources available to you.
As other stories in our series show, porn has a variety of influences. If you are concerned about your porn use (or a friend’s porn use), Ryerson University’s Health and Wellness department provides information and resources on sexual health. Counselling is also available for those interested in speaking with a professional.
You are not alone.
*Names have been changed to protect the subject’s identity.
