{62} Messy

This is a feelings post.

I am awash with feelings which as we all know is a terminal condition. My problem is that these are new feelings, not the comfortable straightjacket of repression and anxiety I’ve been wearing for…decades? A lifetime? Close enough.

A good friend reminded me today that a year ago I was a mess; a year ago, I knew I was a mess and yet here I am today, feeling better and happier and more stable and SO MUCH MORE MESSY.

It was therapy and meds and close friends and a steady job that got me to this point, this disaster of emotional slushie. Am I in love? Am I unfulfilled? Am I determined? Am I vulnerable? Am I…changing?

Yes.

As another friend put it (thanks, Kim McShane!), I’m molting. I’m the crab after growing out of its shell, my protection gone and my body stumbling along, vulnerable and exquisitely sensitive. And soft.

(we eat “soft shelled crab” for a reason…)

So I want to hide, but I won’t. Maybe I can’t.

Contrary to all I’ve ever believed, this messy life is not my undoing, it is my salvation.