My Husband and I are Consciously Uncoupling, Too
Why Conscious Uncoupling Isn’t Just for New Age Celebrities
My husband and I, much like Gwyneth and Chris, are consciously uncoupling.
We’ve been together since 1999. Married since 2005. We had a daughter in 2010. Almost half of my life has been spent with him. We’ve grown up together. He was my first boyfriend. He is my best friend, the father of my child and someone I have deep admiration for.
We love each other — a lot — but we also know that the romantic side of our relationship could be a lot stronger. We realize that somewhere along the way, the best friend-ness of our relationship took over and the romantic relationship took a back seat.
We’ve done therapy, we’ve communicated about every piece of the puzzle and we have looked at the relationship from every single angle. We’ve been honest with each other about what is working and what isn’t and, at one point in time, we even thought about trying an open marriage.
We’ve read books. Everything from, “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” to “The Five Love Languages” to books from the Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle. We’ve meditated together, performed mantras, shared activities, gave each other space and gone on romantic trips together. To say that we’ve tried everything is fully encompassing of our experience.
After we tried it all, we realized that we still loved each other but we weren’t one hundred percent happy romantically so we decided that a separation was the next best step for us. We are now in the process of consciously uncoupling. And, we are totally okay.
In a few weeks, he is going to move into an apartment with a new roommate. He won’t be far from my daughter and I and he’ll still come over every morning before she goes to preschool to hang out with her. He’ll continue to drop her off at school every day and he is going to continue to help me with some of the larger household chores like yardwork and garbage day. He’ll likely still do his laundry here if his new place doesn’t have those facilities.
We’re going to split weekends and allow each other one full weekend a month to be child-free (we’re going to have to squeeze in meeting new people and dating somewhere!) but we’ll continue to co-parent and maintain a healthy, strong and positive family experience. If our daughter is sick, we’ll co-parent her here at the house until she’s feeling better. My husband can sleepover at the house whenever he needs to.
From the outside looking in, people are naturally going to view the dissolution of our relationship as a failure. As something we didn’t work hard enough on. As a problem. As being detrimental to the welfare of our child. But, it’s the exact opposite for us.
We’re not angry, we’re not bitter and we’re taking steps forward in such a way that we’re looking at the most beneficial outcome for everybody. We are keeping love, respect and kindness at the forefront of our separation because there’s no reason for it to be any other way. We might have fallen out of romantic love with each other but it doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other and the family we’ve created.
The Paltrow / Martin Debacle
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin recently announced their divorce and, when I read their joint announcement, I literally cheered. Not because of the divorce but because their announcement could have been written by my husband and I. The tenderness that came through in their words and their sincerity about their breakup was exactly what we were experiencing. In fact, I had sent the article to my husband and said, “You need to read this… this is us.”
Gwyneth and Chris have been under fire not because of the breakup itself but over their use of the term “conscious uncoupling.” A lot of people think it’s pretentious and some feel that they should just call it what it is: divorce. I disagree with those people. I think that their approach is brilliant, positive and beautiful. And, I get it because it’s my reality, too.
This isn’t about sugar coating a breakup or, as one of my Facebook friends had said, “making the dirty reality of divorce pretty” — this is about living your life from a place of awareness. From consciousness. This is about reframing the idea of a breakup and abolishing the negativity that so often comes along with divorce.
I say kudos to Chris and Gwyneth for challenging the status quo. Kudos to them for taking the high road and being aware enough about their situation to know that while it may not be the right relationship, they are still intertwined forever as human beings and as parents.
When they used the term “conscious uncoupling”, I understood what they meant immediately. The way that I interpreted it was this: they are approaching their separation from a place where they are standing in love and honoring the best possible outcome for everyone involved. They are fully aware of the impact their separation has on the people they love and they are being conscious about how to unravel themselves from each other.
Divorce and separation is loaded with negative connotation and it often makes people uncomfortable. Try telling someone you’re getting a divorce — what do they say? How does their body language change? Often times people will say, “I’m so sorry to hear that” when the reality might be that you and your partner are really excited about the change. It might mean that it’s the most positive step forward you can take with your relationship. Divorce and separation doesn’t need to be messy, heated, angry or ugly. It can be but it doesn’t have to be.
What if the way that Paltrow and Martin reframe divorce and separation helps other people to look at the dissolution of their marriage in the same way? What if instead of infidelity and anger we simply approached the end of a relationship as just that: the end? Isn’t that a much better direction to head in then messy separations, custody battles and divorce court?
Is It Naivety, Idealism, Progression or Something Else?
This might seem New Age-y but I like to think that we are moving to a space of heightened consciousness and, in the years to come, we’ll be more open about reframing things that have stayed stagnant. That we won’t react to certain events in a specific way simply because that’s how they’ve always been reacted to.
We’re evolving and I like to think that our evolution is going to create more understanding, compassion and beauty in this world. Is it naive to think this way? Possibly. Is it idealistic? Perhaps. But, I’m okay with taking this approach if it means that I get to keep my family happy and together in the way that it makes sense for us to be together.
We’re all co-collectively sharing experiences and love is just one of those experiences. Maintaining your love and respect for the person you’ve shared so much of your life experience with is a gift that should be honoured in the right way.
I’m excited that my husband and I are taking steps to stay as positive as possible through this experience and while a lot of it is sad, as one stage of the journey is ending, a lot of it is also for the highest good. So, if you see us posting family photos of us enjoying the park together in the months to come, don’t be confused.
This is what conscious uncoupling looks like.
This is true love.
