Worst Loss in Franchise History? Giants v. Cowboys Week 1 Recap
Now that I’m several hours removed from experiencing the football equivalent of having my home invaded, while being chained to a radiator as one pillager repeatedly kicks me in the groin, and the other puts my cast iron pan in the dishwasher while crapping in my sink — I’m ready to open up and discuss the New York Giants’ cataclysmic failure of a start to the 2023 season.
On their opening drive, Big Blue found some success moving the ball via some patented Daniel Jones scrambles and Saquon Barkley runs up the middle. This morsel of offensive success turned out to be the sole crumb that fell on the lap of the Giants as they open-mouth chewed the single largest portion of humble pie imaginable…on national fucking television.
While obviously not sustainable, getting 7 points on this fluke of a first possession would at least give the G-Men a chance to win the “grind it out”, 20–17, rain-soaked slog I began to visualize in my big, dumb, brain.
But then — on 3rd and 2 from the Dallas 8, our All-Pro Tackle false starts, our prematurely crowned “Franchise Center” snaps a literal ground ball into the gap, and we’re forced to settle for a 45-yard field goal try. The blocked kick and ensuing return for a touchdown will not only be a permanent part of your social media feeds, but will also be referenced ad nauseam by the shittiest Cowboy fans you know for eternity. To cap it off, the aforementioned All-Pro Tackle apparently tweaked a hammy chasing down the Dallas DB he had literally no chance of ever catching.
Saying “the wheels fell off” from that moment on is about as gross of an understatement as you could make. These wheels were not only removed, but flung across the Hudson River — right onto the $4,000 studio-apartment sized “Cloud 9” some of you morons began renting after a single competent drive in a preseason game against the Carolina fucking Panthers (could never be me!).
Micah Parsons and Co. had their way with our pathetic excuse of an offensive line every single snap, for 3 consecutive hours. If he wasn’t getting drilled by free rushers, Daniel Jones was throwing interceptions. If he wasn’t throwing interceptions, Daniel Jones was throwing incomplete passes that should have been interceptions.
“But Bill, the second pick wasn’t his fault, Saquon dropped it because it was rainy!” — Moron DJ Apologist and/or Mrs. DJ
I get that conditions were horrid and your O-Line can’t stop a nosebleed — but quite frankly — reads like this need to be made when you sign a $160m contract. You don’t carry a “game manager” price tag anymore and you’re paid to not completely crumble after falling behind 2 scores in bad weather. Be better.
Now let’s circle back to the offensive line, that not only got dominated by the Cowboys’ admittedly dominant starting group, but by their second unit, and their third stringers as well. My patience with Evan Neal has completely run out. As of right now, he is Ereck Flowers with a slightly better attitude. He says the right things, is (for some reason) endorsed by the coaching staff, but is literally a revolving door for any bum-ass pass rusher looking to pad their stats.
The assumption that Neal would magically develop into a starting caliber tackle, along with forecasting drastic improvement from our interior guys may ultimately be the undoing of a team that showed so much promise a year ago. Adding pass catchers to an offense that can’t block is just a formula that will never fucking work. The sad part? We’ve been making this exact same mistake for over a decade now.
In my eyes, both Reese and Gettleman’s biggest respective failure as GM was not properly evaluating the talent up front, and instead supplementing the skill positions. See the below “Cretin GM Shopper’s Guide” to fixing an offense:
- Spend Premium Draft Capital (1st or 2nd Rounders) on Odell Beckham Jr., Sterling Shepard, Evan Engram, Saquon Barkley, and Kadarius Toney
- Sign washed up veterans (Brandon Marshall, Golden Tate, Kenny Golladay, Kyle Rudolph) to massive deals
Its obviously early and the price tags (a 3rd rounder for each) don’t line up with the moronic spending shown above, but I’m rightfully skeptical that adding Darren Waller and Jalin Hyatt will make this soggy Roman Candle of an offense any more explosive. The defensive fronts on our schedule and specifically within our division are just flat out dominant and we saw just how significant this mismatch can be on Sunday on night. But fuck it — let’s get Mike Evans in here for a 2nd!
Is it possible we’ve given this front office and coaching staff their congratulatory blow job a little early?
The Giants were one of the “winners” of the 2021 draft by taking Neal and Thibedoux in the top 10. That was with the expectation that both of these players would develop into say…Rashawn Slater and Micah Parsons (2 players we passed on for Kadarius Toney) respectively.
We were also crowned as some sort of incredible “Cinderella Story” for knocking off the Minnesota Vikings in the playoffs. Who else could have upset this obviously fraudulent juggernaut? Probably every other team that made the postseason.
The response to this miraculous feat was then to go “all in” with a roster Schoen and Co. were in the process of gutting. Now we’re left hoping the core of a team that got dog-walked by Philly in the divisional round can “close the gap” and win a Super Bowl.
Obviously this criticism is pretty unfair after just one game into their sophomore season. But when that one game is potentially the worst loss I’ve ever experienced as a Giants fan, these sort of thoughts ring louder and louder in your head.
A good majority of this is undeniably an over-emotional response to a traumatic event. After all, the reason last night hurt so damn bad was because it was coming off months of expectation after experiencing the most success we’ve had as an organization since Super Bowl 46.
I know it still hurts a day later but fully buying into all of that bullshit I spewed earlier is no way to be a fan. What’s the point? You get to be the “I told you we suck” guy after a 40–0 loss? Congrats Nostradamus, who you got this Sunday?
With that being said — the Honeymoon phase for Daboll and Schoen is officially over. They skipped over the embarrassingly low bar set by their predecessors and then quickly soiled that leeway with last night’s performance. They now face their first legitimate adversity and will need to prove they’re the truly the saviors we’ve made them out to be over the past year and change.
The good news? The Giants have potentially the best “get right” game imaginable coming up against the Arizona Cardinals. Our issues are so glaringly obvious that the coaching staff and management have no choice but to address them. Beat the living shit out of this Philadelphia reject and his cat-shit roster and move forward.
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