Top Dog

I know what you’ll think. Forty two years old, still living with Mother and no long term relationship on the horizon. Well let me make things clear. I don’t wear hand-knitted jumpers or winceyette pyjamas. I’m providing a service. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement and all I expect is to cover my expenses.

At first I was like the proverbial kid in a sweet shop. Now I have my favourites, but I rarely refuse anyone. With a success rate of 82%, I’m in demand, but my limit is twelve clients a month. According to my spermiogram, my sperm count is high and I have grade A motility — they’re strong fast swimmers basically. I’m careful to wear loose pants, I’m a healthy weight and I don’t drink or smoke. I have an excellent pedigree. I’m 1.85 metres tall, I’ve never had a serious illness, and my IQ is 140. I’m a biochemist for a pharmaceutical company.

So who are my clients you might ask. Well, mostly they’re heterosexual or lesbian couples who can’t conceive, but more and more are single career women who don’t think about motherhood until their maternal alarm goes off. This way they can have a child without rushing into a serious relationship.

I don’t judge. Mr Right just isn’t out there for some. They can use donor sperm programs of course, but home insemination isn’t nearly as successful as the service I provide. Lesbian couples and single women are often refused IVF, and for others, it’s just too expensive. On top of that, the success rate is less than 50% at best. Then there’s the potential for multiple births and laboratory mix-ups. My service is reliable and natural, and there’s no limit to the number of inseminations because my fee is affordable.

Of course, there’s a degree of trust involved. I have a check-up for HIV and STD’s on a regular basis and I provide medical records showing blood tests, biochemistry screening and urinalysis. I ask my clients to do likewise and I don’t have unprotected sex with anyone who can’t provide me with adequate documentation. It’s in their interest and mine.

My clients sign a legal document waiving any claim to child support and my name isn’t registered on the birth certificate. I don’t have parental rights, but that’s how I like it. My offspring can access my medical information should they ever need to. It’s all above board. Sometimes I have repeat business which is very satisfying and the mark of a job well done.

What’s the process you might wonder. Well, I can receive a request any time through my online profile. I’m on call so to speak. I’ll admit to being quite excited and I respond promptly. I try to allow a couple of days for each appointment if it involves travel, and I advise my client to meet me mid cycle, two days before ovulation. There are all sorts of ovulation testing kits available, and I’m usually available at short notice.

I like to tailor my services to individual requirements. Some clients prefer to come to me, and Mother stays with my aunt. I’ve lived alone with Mother since I was eight years old and my father died. We don’t talk about my service. Mother doesn’t approve, but she wouldn’t want me to marry.

If I travel to my client, I either rent a motel room and we carry out the process there, or for singles and lesbians I stay at their place to keep costs down. Some clients like to personalise the conception and prepare dinner. I wouldn’t usually agree to this for married clients — I prefer to keep it impersonal.

I remember the first time a couple wanted an emotional conception, opting for copulation. The partner was insistent he should watch — I have to say syringe is more usual for couples. Having caught me off guard, it was difficult to perform and unfortunately they had to use the syringe in the end. They were rather disappointed and I left with my tail between my legs.

The whole emotional thing seems peculiar, but I try to put myself in their shoes. Some couples have been trying for so many years that an unfilled longing pushes their boundary.

Serious feminists prefer to do it themselves and I don’t get involved, only to supply my sperm. Every client is different and I respect that. Some women like to spend the evening in a restaurant to get to know me a little first — it’s the least I can do, and actually, I enjoy it. I don’t get to meet many people otherwise. Laboratory work can be solitary. Once, a client asked me to undress her. I found that rather personal and awkward, but I aim to please.

Position is all important. It’s worth knowing that doggy style increases the chance of fertilisation because you can get closer to the cervix. I’m ashamed to admit I was a virgin until I started this service. I used to feel nervous, but now I’m in complete control and it’s the client who feels nervous. I’m like an experienced doctor, putting people at ease. Relaxation is key.

I’d like to think my clients find me attractive, but I’ve never asked them. I admit I’m often turned on, but I’m discreet and professional. Some clients like to take a photograph of me. I don’t object to that. It’s important to know who your father is.

I’ve sired eighty-three children with clients from nine different countries around the world and I have another six children in the pipeline. I’m a bit of a globetrotter and I’m rather proud of my achievement. I’ve been told that I’m the world’s most prolific professional father. A top dog.

I never attend the birth, but I’m appreciative that most clients send a photograph. I have a timeline on my bedroom wall and I record the baby’s name and date of birth. I know all of their names and I test myself so that I don’t forget. You can tell they’re mine because they’ve got my distinctive chin. I inherited that from my father. At one end of my timeline I’ve placed a photograph of me in my father’s arms and at the other end, a recent passport photograph.

I don’t have regular contact with any of my offspring, but around Christmas time I invite them all to a small party. It’s fairly straightforward really. At least it was until Rafael’s letter.

Rafael is my oldest — the offspring from my union with Pia, my first client. She’s Spanish but she’s fluent in English and French. She’s a translator. I like to read Rafael’s letter out loud so I can hear the words.

Hello Dad. I liked seeing you at the party. I think you look like a cool dad. I think about you a lot and I keep your photo in my special box. I think you will like me when you know me. You can visit whenever you want. I asked Mum and she said yes. I like football and my favourite team is Real Madrid. What is your favourite team? I play for my school. I am a defender but one day I want to score goals like Cristiano Ronaldo. My favourite food is peanut butter and my favourite books are Horrible Science. They are cool and science is fun. I have a dog. He is a spaniel and I call him Robbie like you. From Rafael.

There’s a drawing of a red sports car and ‘MASERATI’ in capital letters. There’s also a photograph of a dark-haired boy wearing Real Madrid kit and on the back, in pencil, ‘Rafael aged 9’. I wasn’t expecting this.

Rafael has my chin and my curly hair, and his mother’s eyes. Pia has beautiful eyes. I used to play football… my father would be cheering from the sideline. It was never the same when he died. Rafael thinks I look like a cool dad. I think about that… and about what I’m afraid of.

Image from Pixabay