I Don’t Have Time For Work, I’m Being Healthy

And you should quit, too, if you don’t wanna die soon

Photo by Anna Pelzer on Unsplash

I open my eyes at precisely 6.30 am. I don’t need an alarm — my circadian clock is always on. I check my Fitbit to see the sleeping score. 92! All week straight 90s, I’m the boss in bed. Mental high-five.

I go to the bathroom for my morning bowel movement. I don’t actually need to go now, but I will sit on that toilet until my bowels understand the cue. Starting your day without defecation is bad for you. Healthy crap = healthy life; that’s my bumper sticker.

When I’m on the toilet, I don’t check my phone, I don’t read a book, I concentrate. Did you know that prolonged sitting on a loo can give you hemorrhoids and cut the bloodstream to your anal area? Nobody wants that. Besides, you should be mindful of what you’re doing at all times.

I proceed to the sink, wash my face, and scrape my tongue. To think that a few years ago, I didn’t even know what a tongue scraper was. Disgusting.

I go to the kitchen and prepare my morning glass of lemon sea salt honey water. Tepid — never cold. Ayurveda says that cold drinks extinguish your digestive fire. That’s probably why you can’t shit in the morning.