By Gabe Delahaye and Jane Marie
Illustration by Lindsay Mound
“I am addicted to stalking my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. That is already a problem I probably need some advice for, on its own, but: I just accidentally liked her photo on Instagram. This also maybe wouldn’t be a big deal if I hadn’t recently fav’d one of her tweets. How do I either stalk more carefully or just stop this insane behavior altogether?”—Anonymous
Let me just see if I have this right: It seems like the main problem is that she’s not the first person he has ever loved, and to make matters worse, sometimes this other woman goes to brunch? One time the ex-girlfriend had a funny comment about last night’s Scandal and it reminded the new girlfriend that prior to her current relationship, the boyfriend watched television on someone else’s West Elm couch? Yikes!
We can all relate to the sweet, tiny pangs of jealousy when someone we love mentions their ex. When people with romantic history start dating other people with their own romantic histories, it can highlight the fragility of love. “If he loved her then but loves me now, does that mean one day he will love someone new and she will be stalking me on holographic-Instagram?” But that doesn’t seem to be what this woman’s doing. This seems like sport to her. And if it’s sport, then you have to ask yourself: How do you win?
If you end this with saying “You win by pulling yourself out of the game” I will be so mad, Gabe. I’m 100 percent behind this kind of behavior in almost every way. The internet was MADE for stalking, wasn’t it? I wasn’t there, but I’m pretty sure it’s the only reason it was invented. My question for her is, why don’t you stalk more exciting prey? Who fucking cares what this lady is doing or looking like when she wasn’t even awesome enough for your boyfriend to keep dating her? They’re obviously doing things your boyfriend finds boring and lame, and looking like shit while they’re at it, right? Right. If you really want to torture yourself, you should be stalking your ex-boyfriends new girlfriends. They ARE prettier! They ARE smarter! They ARE cooler, no doubt about it.
I know that you are very pro-snooping, Jane. Snooping is like your whole thing, and I’ve heard you make a compelling argument for it. (Basically that Harriet the Spy either finds out she was right and extricates herself from a bad/dishonest situation, or Harriet the Spy finds out she was wrong and it deepens her sense of honesty and committment or whatever. Is that about right?) For me, though, spying is like watching porn. It can be fun and exciting at first, but it can also make you feel numb and detached and a little gross. And at the end of the day, real sex is always better than jerking off. So, maybe she should redirect that sneaky energy into active engagement with the people she actually knows and cares about, like, just as an example, HER BOYFRIEND.
1. I don’t think you’re watching porn right.
2. When Harriet the Spy finds out she’s wrong, it is imperative that she confesses her transgression to the victim and asks for forgiveness. If she gets it, she confirms she has chosen a sympathetic partner. Win-win.
3. Putting energy into your relationship has absolutely nothing to do with being curious about the branches of your sex tree. What’s more fun than finding out that your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend is a raw vegan Etsy model AND a skateboarder? (But how does she stay so bruise-free?) Nothing, trust me.
Just don’t be sloppy. If she gets caught, she deserves to get caught. I feel like you’re telling her not to have any fun in life?
If she’s having so much fun, why is she writing to an advice column? Look, I’m all for living your life however you want, which can include spying on ex-girlfriend/boyfriend social media accounts, but if that’s the case, then Sheryl Sandberg Lean In. Own it. Fave all of her photos. Tag her in your tweets. Put her on blast. #GoNuts. But if there’s something about it that makes you feel nervous or gross, and I’m getting the sense there is something about it that makes this person feel nervous and gross, then block her. Block everybody. Go outside. Read a book. Rewatch The Sopranos. No one has ever been like, “I’m rewatching The Sopranos, please help, what should I do?!”
I think she’s writing because she’s been told that she’s doing something wrong but it doesn’t feel that wrong and the wrongness doesn’t keep her from doing it, so she wants a magic bullet or to be pardoned. I’m pardoning her. Giving her permission to do it — which she already has been given by the person PUBLICLY POSTING HER PHOTOS AND THOUGHTS ON THE INTERNET, WHICH BELONGS TO EVERYONE — might make it a little less enticing, too. Like, “I could rummage through her tweets again, but I can do that any old day. Maybe today I’ll rewatch The Sopranos. JK, I learned The Sopranos sucks the first time.” Did I just start a fight with you, Gabe?
Don’t worry about me, Jane. You saying that the Greatest TV Show of All Time sucks is your problem, not mine. I just feel sorry for you. If this woman needs permission, then let me just add to the chorus: Permission granted! Live your life! This is not that big of a deal, and no one is really getting hurt in this process, not really! But, to muddy the issue, because muddying the issue is what I do best, just because you have permission doesn’t mean what you’re doing isn’t kind of toxic and a waste of your time. We all have the scabs that we like to pick because sometimes picking scabs feels the good kind of bad, but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be better off not touching the goddamned scabs. I guess what I’m saying is this is totally fine, normal, modern behavior that we can all relate to, and if all this woman wants is empathy, then she has it: We have all been there. At the same time, we could all stand to do a little better. In conclusion, life is hard, make some choices.
More Great Advice from Gabe and Jane:
Need some great advice? Want to feel slightly better about the not-great thing you’re probably going to do anyway? Send your questions to Gabe and Jane, at matteradvice@medium.com.
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