New Royal Scandal

Are they ever going to stop?

So Kate Middleton has been caught out photoshopping. I’m not much into family portraiture myself — literally, I’m often asked to stand to one side ‘so there’s more space for the kiddies, Mick’ — but could someone explain to me why anyone would want to photoshop them? I thought the whole idea was to catch everyone in a state of ‘au naturel’. It wasn’t going to appear on a stamp or anything, was it? If Princess Charlotte was doing something unsavoury just take another picture for goodness sakes.

This only deepens the mystery though. We were told the Palace released the photo because of the uncomfortable silence about the Princess of Wales’ ‘abdominal surgery’. The less I know about ladies’ bits the better as far as I’m concerned but I’m given to understand it’s all become something of a national obsession. Which is my point. I appreciate everyone’s a bit strapped for cash these days but surely a footman could have been let go to hire a professional photographer for such a vital task. But no, it was DIY time down on the ranch. Amateur hour at the old corral.

My theory — and I want to emphasise it is only a theory — is the ‘men in tights’ are embarked on one of their serpentine backroom plots. First they make laughing stocks of William, Kate and their three heirs apparent. Then they do to Charles the Third what they…