9 Reasons SmartPhones Have Made Everybody Suck
Living in the anywhere-but-here
One of my favorite cliches is: Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one.
My parents would tell me this as a child any time that I knocked something they enjoyed, but only to remind me that opinions are to be expressed when asked for or in the correct medium rather than shoving them in people’s faces.
It has become increasingly evident, however, that we can amend the cliche above to something a little more relevant to today’s society: Cell Phones are like assholes, everybody has one. You could even twist the statement to be: Opinions are like cell phones, and you’re an asshole.
It seems that cell phone use has plagued everybody in the nation. Everybody always seems to be checking their social webs, talking over the phone (usually when behind the wheel), or texting. I can take a quick walk across campus and every face I pass will either be illuminated by a little screen or yammering on about something better suited for private conversations or plugged into music with that thousand-yard-stare people get when they’re afraid to talk to people, yet can’t stand silence. While cell phones are great for their reach-me-anywhere-anytime capabilities, people really seem to use them as a get-me-away-from-what’s-going-on-in-reality outlet. So I decided to compose a list of the top 9 reasons why cell phones have encouraged people to suck.
9. Distracted Wheelman
This is nothing groundbreaking. Everyone knows that driving and texting/talking is pretty inconsiderate of the other lives around you.
But everybody is still doing it.
Maybe its the egocentric way of thinking: I won’t suck balls at driving while on the phone, I’m not an idiot.
Guess what? You do, and you are.
8. Thanks for the Cheek Sweat
Ever answered the phone on a hot day, looked at the screen, and noticed a greasy film from your cheek layered over it? Imagine that, plus whatever your fingers touch (boogers, butt jam, doorknobs, and, gross, other people’s hands) all collecting on your little phone thousands of times everyday for the entire time you’ve had your cell. Some say cell phones carry more bacteria than a toilet seat; one man even contracted the ebola virus from his infected phone. This means that every time you shake hands with someone and they happen to have used their cell phone at all that day, you’re getting a little gift from the bacteria fairy.
When was the last time you disinfected your phone?
7. Nobody Cares about Your ‘Private’ Conversation
Seriously, shut the hell up.
6. Captain’s Logs
You have a ‘friend’ on social media that posts about everything they do. Actually, everything is an under-exaggeration. Its almost like social media replaces their social life.
Therein lies the problem.
People get the illusion that they have more friends than they do and that each of them wants to keep track of every individual thought that crosses their minds without filter (opinions and assholes, this is a cliche for a reason). Cell phones have paved the way for the I’m introverted except when I’m texting breed of humans.
5. Um… So Now What?
I’ve fallen victim to this on many occasions. You plan something out with a friend who seems all too excited to hang out over text and you text endlessly about something, but when it comes to actual hang out time, its weird
What do I say that I haven’t already said? Do we keep talking about what we were texting about, or move past it? Pretend we never texted each other that stuff and move on with our lives?
With so much to question, I try to text only what needs to be said, if that.
Hang out? Sure. When? See you there.
The end. I don’t need nor care about anything extraneous. Save it for actual human interaction.
4. Google It.
Actually, one of the primary reasons I use my smartphone is to Google whatever piques my curiosity at the moment.
Although it is very convenient to have an entire wealth of info at your fingertips for everything you can imagine, Google, bless your heart, has crept its way into everyday conversations.
Maybe I’m just bitter, but I liked it better when arguments were won by persuasion, face-to-face. Now, if you can’t find something immediately backing what you said by simply using Google, nobody wants to hear what you have to say. Every modern, face-to-face debate typically ends with a consensual ‘Google it,’ rendering any personal knowledge or experience to the contrary on any topic worthless.
3. Regurgitation
Number 4 on the list sort of ties into this one.
Due to the convenience of Google, everybody is a walking opinion regurgitation machine. Seriously. People will use it to form their opinions (there’s an old cliche for opinions…) and regurgitate what their favorite search engine spat out for their vague queries. Without using your smartphone, can anybody tell me what they think about a potential decrease in the value of the U.S. dollar? *Crickets*
2. PAP
Passive-aggressive posters.
You know who I mean. Those people who always have something to say about a particular situation that happened during their day. But rather deal with the problem directly and say it to the problem-causer, people post what they wish they would’ve said in that scenario.
Really? You can’t believe someone would do that? Why don’t you tell them?
1. Awkward
Excessive smartphone use has effectively made everyone ages 12-26 (pretty much every one who has a cell phone and uses it for more than the occasional text or call) a social midget. Seriously. All common courtesy has fled society and nobody is willing to have a human interaction these days. Go anywhere. If you’re in someone’s way, do they say excuse me? Or just avoid eye contact and pretend you aren’t there? Does anybody meet your eyes when passing them or ask you how you’re doing?
Probably not.
But what happens if you’re dying and that person you just bumped into without so much as a ‘scuse me is the only one to help? Wouldn’t you want to have at least been friendly to that person in hopes that they will help? What if they just pretended you didn’t exist and kept right on with their business?
What about (and this is one of my favorites) when you see someone who you don’t have the best of relations with walking towards you? Do you smile and be a good person and acknowledge them, or do you pussy out and bury your face behind your smartphone? Do you pretend they won’t see you, or do you pretend they aren’t staring at you, attempting to greet you, like normal adults?
Smartphones are popular for their convenience and capabilities, but, unfortunately, it makes their incessant users useless.
