Tyrell Corporation, errr… Amazon, has rolled out a beta version of it’s new delivery service Amazon Prime Air. The new service claims same day delivery on all your daily need items, delivered by a quad-copter Delivery Drone. Now when you order your wolf urine, tattoos for babies, and vaginal speculum (large pack), it will be flown to your front door.
This may all seem like good news, but after only one day of service, the Amadrones have reported multiple problems.
A new sport in Pakistan “Peg-A-Drone” (where young men gather in the streets to throw rocks at the Amazon Delivery Drones) has become wildly popular. A young boy, Adnan Inayat Ali, has emerged as champion. Earlier this morning he knocked out two rotors of a drone during it’s delivery of a Top Gun Blue-Ray DVD to one Subata Iftikhar. He got a total of 50 points out of 100, which is the highest score to date.
And that’s the least of the problems in Pakistan. Two drones from Obama’s Spying For Liberty campaign reportedly gunned down two Amazon Delivery Drones. The Delivery Drones struck back by swarming over a group of school children, protecting them from drone gunfire. One of the boys, 6 years old, had been accused of being a terrorist for bringing a slingshot to school. As a result, the Obama administration has declared war on the Delivery Drones in Pakistan.
Bezos, totally fucking irate, began accelerated development of a lightweight delivery drone prototype that features a mounted machine gun. Rumors from Amazon employees say that Bezos can be heard from the opposite side of the building maniacally laughing all day.
Needless to say, the U.S. government is just jealous that Amazon will have more surveillance data than the NSA. With the Amazon Delivery Drones being cheaper by orders of magnitude, the amount of data gathered will trump the data of the NSA, ten fold.
China / Russia
In China, Chinese hackers have reportedly stolen over 70% of all Amazon Prime Air Delivery Drones, reprogrammed them, and used them to smuggle unwanted female newborns into Russia. The service is said to fetch a few grand USD per China-baby. Some people have began to call the service “Amazon Stork”.
With the leftover hijacked drones, the Chinese have repainted Alibaba logos over the Amazon logos, and began a similar, competing service.
Businesses in the shipping industry began dumping their stock, and short selling all of their competitors’ stock. Employees, laid off due to being obsoleted by drone robots, roamed the streets digging in garbage cans trying to feed their children. A man in Plymouth, Ohio, stands on the side of the street in his postal gear, holding a sign that says “I got five kids to feed”.
The CEO of USPS organized a press release, trying counter the bold moves by Amazon’s CEO:
“This isn’t the first time Bezos fucked us. Bezos’ fucked us up the ass every chance he gets. He already busted down our prices by threatening to switch Amazon shipping over to FedEx. We lowered our prices, but now he’s sidestepping us completely… Our job at USPS is to keep shit slow, and expensive… that’s how we make money. We make sure all of our employees at the little shipping counter are total dicks with no lives, nothing better to do than criticize you for not having your shipping labels prepared right. We make people lose their place in line and write the shit down on the side. Now, Mr Fancypants at Amazon thinks he’s gonna ‘fly’ packages to all of our customers. Well, to him, I say ‘they shut down the Pony Express, but they ain’t shuttin us down’.”
The Wall St Journal, newly acquired by Bezos’ personal venture fund, refused to comment, but did say that “USPS and FedEx are full of stupid antiquated assholes, who will throw your TV over the gate when they think nobody is looking.”