10 Reasons I’m Thankful for My Hysterectomy

Disclaimer: This is neither a medical endorsement nor a recommendation. It is merely a personal account of why I am grateful to have discarded the center of my wombiverse.

We are expected to speak about it in hushed tones, especially among mixed company. Uttering the simple statement of “I’m menstruating”—or the detailed, “I am currently shedding the bloody lining of my womb through my vagina”—may summon the full wrath of the curse. All females are conditioned from prepubescence to speak in code when talking about the monthly sloughing of excess uterine baggage. My favorites include:

Bitchy witchy week
Code red
Crimson tide
On the rag
Red badge of courage
Shark week
Taking Carrie to the prom

To appease the sensitivities of readers who have a hard time discussing such delicate feminine matters, I will use the vernacular adopted by my friends and I when we joined the hematic sisterhood: Aunt Flo. The following are the 10 reasons I chose to renounce my membership in the menstrual sorority.

1. Barren economics: No supply = no demand: Aunt Flo insisted on luxurious accouterments when she visited: super cotton plushness delivered in a pearl case…