breakdown at ucf

I try to write in the morning but I had a rough night followed by a long day.

I think, the rough night was courtesy of the fact that I chose to start back sleeping in my bed. My Friend that visited has been gone for several days so my room was available, but I still continued to sleep in another room.

As I sat in my bed last night, I envisioned all the times that Love and I just sat here, talking, cracking up, saying nothing, holding each other, stroking each other, making love and wetting up this bed! I could picture the different ways we laid and how many different outfits I had on or off..how I would stack the pillows behind his back to prop him up and make sure he was comfortable….the different sheets I went through. Then as I tried to get to sleep, I tried to remember the things he said, the things he whispered, the things I said. I tried to relive his touch. I talked to him and told him I loved him.

So when I had to get up this morning at 5:45, I wasn’t ready. And as I sat at UCF all day, I realized that I could not concentrate and was so anxious and could not stop thinking about Love. One of the issues was the fact that I had told him about my concerns about a family member attending UCF and running into some not-so-good people. Love told me that the campus was huge, 3 times bigger than USF. He was right. And so I wanted to tell him about it and how it went…but I couldn’t. The realization that I couldn’t share things with him that we had already discussed. I can’t update him. I miss him. We shared so much about our daily lives and future plans.

Tears welled in my eyes and I thought I wouldn’t make it a second longer without bursting out emotionally. I decided to take the pill (I hate meds) so I could make it through. On an empty stomach, I also decided to drink 2 cups of coffee full of sugar (and I don’t do coffee). And then I spent most of the rest of the day high as a kite, a bit clumsy, but no longer feeling the sadness and longing.

This is the longest day, I believe, that I have been out of my house continuously and the furthest I’ve been from home recently. I realized just how minimally functionally I still am. And so I requested assistance from my far away family to help me get through this important task that lies before me.